600: A Guest in the Theater of My Mind (5 of 30)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within nostalgia as in getting caught up in past memories that produce positive feelings as a way to distract and entertain myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question these moments wherein a memory will grab my attention and I will follow it through to playout the memory and all the feelings associated with the memory and have that be what I spend my time on instead of stopping and asking myself where the memory came from, why it came up, and what can I learn about this memory rather than letting it take me for a ride
I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to use all memories constructively wherein I look at them within a directive will, not as a guest in a theater seeing a show - where I decide to look at who I was within that memory, and to use it to see where I could take responsibility for myself or where I could have done something different or see how I've changed since then
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to entertain myself when I am in a resistance to doing other things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way where I squander time I have to live and create by allowing a resistance to trigger a point of excuse to go and entertain myself within my memories
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take every moment I have as an opportunity in life to be and become life and to instead perpetuate the state of things as being consumed by the mind as pretty images and nice feelings that soothe me and allow me to cope with the world I live in
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to directly face the difficult points within myself and so within this world and to use my mind to cover up the reality of things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lean towards the positive feelings instead of confronting real feelings about real issues in this world
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to confront the fact that I am still learning what it means to be self-honest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present to myself an image of myself of the ideal me instead of facing the truth of me which exists in the shadows of my mind that I keep in the dark, and keep secret from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go into the dark places within my mind that I know exist and to still pretend that things are okay and I can get by, by simply being optimistic and positive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-honesty as being optimistic
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-honesty is not being optimistic, but it is also not being judgmental - it is simply facing what is actually, really here as myself and being honest about what I still face, and judge, and blame, and abdicate my responsibility towards and disempower myself within
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can pussy-foot around points within myself and still claim to be changing instead of realizing the rawness it will take to face my self-honesty that will not be easy, pretty or enjoyable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make my process more enjoyable than real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my positive nature as being an optimist to manipulate myself from facing the truth of myself and so this world
I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to acknowledge within myself all the fuck-ups, failures, regrets, guilt, bad behavior, manipulation, ego, desires, fears, deception within me - realizing this doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me a human that does not understand it's own existence and is acting in separation of life and until I address the fuckups and correct the fuckups I will never be free
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the darkness, just like Christianity fears the devil, instead of realizing I will have to face the demons within and forgive them to create heaven on earth
I commit myself to strengthen my practice of self-honesty
I commit myself to stop deceiving myself with optimism and instead stick to common sense
I commit myself to stop coping with the fucked-up-ness of myself and this world with positive feelings and nostalgia in relation to memories of my past and looking to a 'brighter' perspective
I commit myself to forgive myself for everything that's been accepted and allowed, within and without
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| Art By: Desteni Artists |
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