590: Holding a Grudge is Holding Life Hostage
Guilty! There has been a few times in the past year where I have had strong reactions to some people in my reality where because they did ONE THING I did not like... I write them off completely. The relationship is forever changed within me where I no longer trust them, I've defined them forever by just that one moment, and really... I just see them as the bad guy, me being in the right, and so decide they can no longer be on the good list inside myself.
And while perhaps there are moments of seeing behaviors in others that are completely unneccessary and know it's not something I want as part of my life, it does not give me any authority to write people off or enslave them to one moment that I define as them being wrong. They lived a whole life before this moment that I was not there for, I did not see, I cannot yet understand, and so how can I say this one moment completely defines who they are? I've had a whole lot of moments in my life that I wish I could take back or re-do... and I would not like someone to define me according to them... so why would I do that to another?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a 'shit list' within myself where I place people when I think they've crossed me and decide they are no longer worthy enough to be around me and that they will forever be defined according to this one moment with them where I decided they did something wrong and now they must "pay the price" forever (GOD, that sounds familiar...)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be in judgment of others based on their behavior instead of realizing and understanding that NO ONE is perfect... that we are all just a group of consequences walking around pretending to be alive and that until I have perfected myself, - challenges the consequences of who I am, I am in no position to judge another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges within myself towards other people revealing quite clearly that I am not living forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim to live forgiveness yet when a person does something that I deem as unacceptable, I will write them off completely as if forgiveness doesn't actually exist instead of realizing that forgiveness is also about realizing many don't know who they are or what they do or why they do what they do and most of us are walking around on autopilot letting our minds as thoughts, feelings, and emotions dictate and influence our thoughts words and deeds and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that we require YEARS and maybe even lifetimes of walking forgiveness unconditionally to get out of this mess and that I will have to lead by example because if I want others to forgive themselves and each other, I sure better be forgiving others as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live forgiveness conditionally where only certain people are allowed forgiveness and those that don't are those that cause me the most friction and conflict within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe this world will be perfect instantly and without years of work, of hard ass labor, to re-create what we've accepted and allowed as human behavior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet give forgiveness to others as I have given it to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave others within me as defining them as 'bad' based on one moment with them instead of living the realization that FORGIVENESS is real, and it works, and it is the only key to create a world that is best for all and so I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to live forgiveness unconditionally - with everyone and everything equally
I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to forgive all aspects of myself as I can see the fact that I am not forgiving some implies I have not forgiven parts of myself - as all life is equal - what is here is me, in everyone, and so until I can forgive all of me I cannot forgive others
And so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility of forgiving myself as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to allow punishment and enslavement, and judgment to exist in this world through holding grudges within myself towards other people and not allowing understanding to flourish as the seed that grows change, letting go, and moving on
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everyone deserves forgiveness because each of us was an innocent child, pure, open, and life's actual expression until someone, or many, tainted our expression with beliefs of this world that does not serve what is best for all and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive each one as the innocent child that was suppressed, betrayed, abused, neglected, and dismantled all to serve an idea of separation, hierarchy, and enslavement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see innocence in all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe some people do not deserve forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there are parts of myself that do not deserve forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn people to being that which I see them as in limitation of not seeing them as life, as consequence, and as a point of forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to free life from a life of condemnation through forgiving every single thing in this world, in every single facet, dimension, and manifestation
When and as I see myself defining someone based on one moment, and deciding they are going on my shit list inside of me where I hold them hostage in not living forgiveness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand the limitation this is... the judgment this is... the lack of understanding this is... the perpetuation of what is already here as this world of abuse, neglect, war, conflict, hate, and deception. I commit myself to live forgiveness unconditionally starting with myself... forgiving all parts of myself because all parts are me and until I can forgive all parts of me I cannot forgive this world as me and until I forgive... this world we will never be free.
I commit myself to set life free through forgiveness
I commit myself to stop being the judge
I commit myself to stop defining someone based on one moment
I commit myself to take responsibility for the atrocities of this world as I realize that until we forgive, we won't see we can change and that this world doesn't have to exist the way it does... that there is, in fact, another way and the door is forgiveness. All we have to do is walk through it.
And I commit myself to continue this Journey to Life as the physical walk to forgiveness, setting me as life Free.
Artwork By: Desteni Artists
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