Kristina's Journey to Life

 Hello, world. It's been a minute. Or a few months at least. I have been writing on this blog forever... Or actually a decade now and it's taken that long to get to a point in my life where I am finally committed to ridding myself of caring what other people think and once and for all, living for me.  I have been walking and working towards this point with the understanding that was ultimately the point however clearly I was so separated and disconnected from myself that it took a decade of self-reflection, self-investigation, and self-forgiveness to finally realize what that practically means.  I'm tired of caring what other people think of me and I'm tired of trying to fit in with others. I am ready to live for myself, with myself, and as myself because I am the only person I actually have to live with!  So the last month I have been diving into this understanding and practicing what it means to live self-love, self-care, self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-hones...

Decided it was time to step out of my comfort zone... It's been long overdue and it may just prove to be more practical for the moment. So here we go. Vlog time. The  Journey to Lifers Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without: Desteni DIP Lite Course  (FREE) DIP Pro Eqafe  (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc) For your Info: Destonian Wiki Equal Life Foundation SOUL (School of Ultimate Living)

Today I felt uncomfortable in my body. Feeling like the stomach is a bit bigger than yesterday. Feeling more discouraged, frustrated, and angry. And in that, a wish for it to be different. And while I was well aware of what I've been looking at and realizing the last couple days, the overall sense of dissatisfaction was still present. And while I realize some things cannot possibly change in just a day or two, I was still a bit frustrated that I didn't notice any more stability within me in relation to this point. Last year about this time, I was working out for 2 months straight, almost every day at least an hour a day. I was determined to make a change to my body... but what happened? Nothing. There was absolutely no change in my body. lol - it's kind of funny actually because no matter what I did in terms of exercise, my body did not change. And so what does that tell me? It's not exercise. My lack or continuation of it is not affecting my weight . There is ano...

Have you ever had that experience of being the outsider ? Feeling excluded from the group, you just don’t fit it, and cannot connect as seemingly easy as others seem to do? I have. Most of my life , as a child, a teenager, in my twenties, and even now and then I have this experience where I’m just on the outside of what others are ‘in on’. Like I somehow am the one looking in, standing outside of the group, or the conversation. The experience has varied throughout my life. In my twenties I suppressed the feeling by participating in social norms like going out drinking, and going to parties, putting on the facade of creating relationships with others, like I was a part of something, though of course, it wasn’t real and just pretend in a way to deny the actual experience which was when I was alone, or sober, I felt as if I wasn’t a part of anything really. In the last few years an interesting realization came up though. I was standing again in a group setting, where I was a part ...

Insecure. That is the word I would use to describe the experience I've had in the last few days. Here I am going to deconstruct my relationship to this word and how I've lived it throughout my life , as I see it's a word, I've defined and thus LIVE as a living word. First, I'll start with the definition of the word - insecure: :  not confident or sure :  uncertain :  not adequately guarded or sustained :  unsafe  :  not firmly fastened or fixed :  shaky  a :  not highly stable or well-adjusted  b :  deficient in assurance :  beset by fear and anxiety Well hello, story of my life. Although I have seen changes within me and my overall experience within myself and within my life the last few years, with the support of the Desteni Process - I can see how throughout my life and here now, coming through quite predominantly, this experience of being 'insecure'. In se...

Tonight at work I saw myself become angry - which I have not seen in awhile. There was like this rage that wanted to come out and the trigger were the words of a co-worker. The specifics of what he was saying triggered a reaction within me that I see I have been participating in the last few days or weeks even - where I have been feeling unworthy and not good enough in certain moments and instead of directing myself out of this point, I have been looking outside of myself to find this point that says "You are worthy and good enough". Perhaps I was not looking for these specific words, I was looking for an indicator that implied this, something I could use to interpret for myself that "this means I'm good enough and worthy." Well, where I have been looking for it - it does not exist. Obviously - it cannot exist outside of me and the fact that I am thinking and believing that I will find it outside of myself is a key indicator of why I allowed myself to be...

Ok, so going back to day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance , I basically opened up this point of self doubt that I was seeing within myself in moments of communication with another being. What is interesting about this point, is that I have been walking for majority if the last year or maybe 8 months, with this 'standing' of 'self confidence' in where I actually would surprise myself in how I saw a change within myself, like for instance being at school and communicating with other students. I was comfortable with myself, i was comfortable being with them, I was open and I was directive and I was willing to 'be with them' in the moment as just 'being here ', breathing, communication and actually enjoying myself. I saw this as well in my interactions with my family - where I was not so moved by reactions, but simply here, directing myself in each moment, sharing with them, interacting with them, communicating with them, opening up with them...

In this last year, I saw myself coming to a point where I was accepting myself as who I am . Meaning - I have not been wearing make up for quite some time, or if I have it has been very minimal and very rare, which is cool because I once placed much value on the way that I looked with make-up and even, can you believe it, defined myself as 'needing' to wear make-up - hmmm, I wonder where I got that idea? Anyways, I really started challenging myself in terms of what I had accepted of myself and through these acceptances , how I defined myself. So I stopped wearing make-up to embrace myself 'naturally'. It has been a cool process and I can honestly say I don't 'need' it, I don't really miss it and that is very cool considering how much I once enslaved myself to make-up. The point ultimately was to find out who I am without it, if I can actually care about myself without it, if I can actually embrace myself without it, realizing that the use of it was se...

In the last, I would say almost year, I can see just how much I allow myself (and have always allowed myself) to become possessed and obsessed within the energy as desire for relationship. And despite the knowledge that I have regarding relationships, and how they are so effectively reflective of ourselves, I have still attempted and pushed for a relationship with another in many avenues. There was no physical consideration, or direct communication or getting to know someone for real, there was only the energy of desire directing me to ‘get what I want’ because ‘I want it now’. Obviously I missed the key point – LIVING the knowledge, as without the physical living application, knowledge is useless. So while I KNOW that an intimate relationship with myself is the ONLY way to create an intimate relationship with another, I have attempted to ignore this crucial point in search for my self interest. In my search, I have not seen /realized/understood that while I am busy looking ou...

Tonight I reacted to seeing another had seen some of my videos on youtube . Here self forgiveness for the experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of another seeing my videos I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as fear to the idea of another seeing my videos, yet present an image of myself as calm and not worrying about it I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another was seeing my videos and judging me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my videos and project them unto another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another seeing my videos and laughing at me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine and picture in my mind another watching my vids at a friends house and them laughing at me I delete this image within my mind I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laugh...

Before I found Desteni - I wore a lot of Make Up. A lot of Cover Up. A lot of mascara and eye liner and lip gloss. In no way could I leave my house without these things... this I would not accept. Because I did not accept Me - and I believed I had to make myself up into something better - for others to see and accept me. This has stopped as I SEE the self deception.. yet points have arised here and there where I 'think' about wearing make up again, and so revisiting the point I was existing within and accepting as myself to show to myself why I will never go back.. and what I have supported myself to see in walking the process of taking off the mask and standing naked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear make up to present an image to others I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my physical look as ‘not good enough’ and thus wear make up to make myself up into something better then how I have defined myself without make up ...

I can see various aspects of myself that exist within/as desire. Mainly to/towards relationships and even more specifically – in relation to a past relationship wherein I still experience memories and the desire to be with him – speak to him, see him. It comes up as a ‘missing’ – like I miss this person and I desire him back in my life. Within this – I end up experience myself within a state of depression–wherein I feel like I missed out – or even a point of regret – where I see what my participation was within our relationship – how I was not effective in walking with him and see how I could have done things differently. So this desire is to ‘do it over’ – to try again – to show that I have changed and that I am not the same person. Yet – I realize also how this desire is based on a self definition – how I perceived/believed myself to be – the person that I was while I was with him – I felt good and proud and happy – defining myself as special for having him in my life – and so this d...