Kristina's Journey to Life

Putting a pause just for a moment on yesterday's blog, to address another point that came up today. Will continue from the previous writings tomorrow... Today, and for some time, I've noticed this point within me of, what I would call laziness because I had not yet done too much investigation on it. But digger deeper, I would say it has more to do than just laziness - while that's a dimensions of it, there is also some definitions that cause a problem I see. When I have to do anything such as work, or what I define as work/ responsibility , I want to take short cuts. Like for example, I've been doings some cleaning at my place of work while we are currently closed for the slow season. I wanted to leave at a certain time because apparently only a couple of hours of cleaning is what I can handle. There were only a few chairs left to clean, but I still wanted to just leave rather than take the extra time to finish the job up. I did end up staying, because I could see a...

I for a long time have defined myself according to what I do. I have struggled with purpose in my life - defining it as something I do, rather than who I am. This is something I've worked with in the past  months, stabilizing myself in stopping the need for something 'out there' to substantiate me, such as a career, and bringing my focus back to me here, my day to day living. Though now, on the micro level, I have been back and forth in terms of my ability to direct myself throughout my day - often succumbing to a laziness character. When in such a character - I define myself as 'bad' and 'wrong' and it's quite a negative experience. Before I started participating within the Desteni Group - I wasn't very active. I didn't have much direction in my life - I was very much stuck in my comfort zone, without ever really exploring ideas of how to branch out and really develop and expand myself. I was stuck in simply the satisfaction of relationship...

In relation to yesterday’s writing , I can see reactions I have towards specifically people around me who speak so much about others, as a point of gossip or simply talking behind their backs. I’ve found that I get quite agitated in such a moment because I want them to understand what they are saying about others, why they are saying it, and how it has everything to do with them, and not the person they are speaking about. Also the reason of someone speaking about one person to other people, when that one person that is the subject of their discussion is not present. So it bothers me quite a bit when someone speaks about others when that person is not around, or cannot contribute to the discussion, cannot defend themselves, or share themselves in a way that can create understanding rather than when one is absent, the one discussing them can just create more and more ideas and perceptions about them that just simply may not be true. And so what I can see for myself, in terms of W...

One point I am seeing within myself at work is a point of self-dis-empowerment. There are 3 computer/work stations where I work, and while I was in training, I was told a certain station had less traffic then the others, and one had the most traffic. I’ve noticed now, since being out of training, and on my own, my first choice of work stations is the one that apparently has the less traffic. Initially I considered this was a point of getting comfortable still with the job position, and as I was still learning the job and getting amalgamated, I was wanting to be there with the less guest traffic, as being less pressure essentially. Though today I saw it more in relation to two specific points: self-interest and a limitation I am accepting and allowing.  A self interest point because another worker also prefers that station, the one with the apparent less traffic. Though it’s due to a physical comfort point, where the computer screen is higher for her and so less pressure...

Observing my behavior and the patterns I live out day to day... I can see I’m still ashamed of myself and my mind. So – a point of separation – because within my fear of exposing myself to me as the mind, and so others as me as the mind – I am separating myself from it. Beliving I am superior to it and not realizing – IT IS ME. I realize it is not who I am really – yet it is how I have created myself as the decision of ’who I am’ through acceptance and allowance. That is the power I have as creator – I have created myself as something I am ashamed of. So – time to take responsibility for myself as creator/creation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as the mind as the thoughts and feelings and emotions and experiences I allow and accept within myself, through daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as the mind through accepting and allowing re...