Kristina's Journey to Life

And that's it. 30 days done just like that. I surprised myself actually while also knowing I was capable. Grateful for that self-forgiveness walk... a lot of points opened up, a lot of suppressions released, a lot of practice in daily reflection. So now what? What is left? There are still points I have to face of course, but what I'm noticing more is a space, a quietness within me - my mind a little less active than before. And this brings up a cooooool point. I've experienced in the past couple months a reaction within me when there is nothing really motivating me to do something - when there is nothing stimulating myself to act or apply something specific, there's this reaction like a fear of having nothing in me... like I'm boring or empty or even dead lol. But what I can see is actually a nothingness - which is precisely where I want to be. Moving from NOTHING is pure self-creation, self-movement, self-direction. Because from this nothingness I am the on...

Another dimension to the topic of 'what do you live for/what gets you out of bed'. I wrote a blog about this a bit ago - specifically looking at time as a reason for waking up. Here I'd like to share another motivation that gets me out of bed, and this particular point is most obvious on the two days of the month when I get paid. I am quite eager to wake up on those mornings when the money has been deposited into my account. And that motivation comes from being able to 'move the money' - where I actually enjoy putting the money in the accounts needed to pay the bills... working with the monthly budget - what needs to be paid and how much I have and calculating different costs and how much needs to go here and there... and I just really enjoy that. I always said if there was a job that was just moving money around taking care of the costs of things, I'd want it! The reason though I want to bring this up here, on my last day of this 30-day journey of self...

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance. So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and ...

Earlier today I had a reaction come up within me in relation to something another person said. It was just one word that really irked me, and so I did some writing on it, to open it up and see where the reaction was coming from. I was playing with a few dimensions I could see that were within the reaction, though nothing was really hitting it on the nose, where I could see Yes! That's the point! So I stopped, and discussed it a bit with my partner, as a point of cross-referencing, and him as my soundboard. As we opened it up more in discussion I saw some other dimensions of the reaction yet it still wasn't moving, meaning - when writing out or speaking out a reaction, or experience, when you really get to the core of the point it releases and opens up within you, and there is like this point of stability and clarity that emerge. Though again, it wasn't really moving in this direction. So my partner suggested I do some more writing on it. In that moment, I felt suspen...

A couple blogs ago I opened up this point of defining myself according to what I do, or don't do. I also addressed this within self-forgiveness for the positive aspect - wherein I define myself as good/ right /positive when I do more. Which clearly means nothing - you can do a whole lot of stuff, but if who you are inside is not aligned to what is best for all/yourself... then it really doesn't matter. So for tonight, I will take a look at the negative aspect of this point... when I do less, I feel less about myself. Okay, here we go: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I don't do in a day - defining myself as less than the less that I do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I do or don't do in the day, and if I don't push to my utmost potential , and do more, feel inferior and shitty about myself - suggesting that what I do determines who I am , rather t...

Continuing from the previous blogs , the following are forgiveness statements, and corrections to be made when I see I am existing more in my mind, rather than in physical action to produce the change I would like to see. Practically assessing what it takes to make things happen, and putting the mind in it's proper place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see change within my mind , as something that happens instantaneous, instead of practically assessing what it takes to create change, what physical actions are required, and the effort along with it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, think more about doing something, or changing something, rather than actually, physically doing it – within this, missing the key element of practical assessment in seeing what in real time I must do – the physical actions required to create or change that which I would like I forgive myself that I have accepted and all...