Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing with opening the word Success - how I've defined it and lived it throughout my life . I have a memory in my life, in my early twenties, where I become quite obsessed with the idea of making money. I was full of desire, and wanted an escape from my life, and I thought if I invested a lot of money in this specific course, I would be able to do just that. I spent one weekend at a seminar, and over $1000 on material, and a few weeks to follow of research for something that did not play out as I expected. The desire to succeed, which was really the desire for more money/financial freedom was the motivation, though I did not at that stage understand what it actually takes to create something – I simply just wanted results NOW. After not getting what I was expecting, thinking if I just threw enough money, and had certain material, things would just work out for me – though of course that is now how it works, and I simply gave up. The energy as the desire depleted and I...

I've been looking at this point that opened up at work last week, and it's interesting to see the different layers/dimensions of it. First there was the fear, the limitation, and the belief about myself behind the limitation. Now to the self interest. Read the previous blogs for context: 414: Hiding Out in a Limitation 415: The Belief about Self behind a Limitation 416: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable Experience The following is self-forgiveness for the Self interest of wanting my ‘wants’ based on fear /emotions and so not considering others physical needs: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider others needs when a fear is driving me to make decisions within my work environment I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and hold my fear of being at a high traffic computer and the potential of more interaction with people at work become more important to me than how another is physically, where I will no...

Last week I had a dream I died. I was walking on a street in a neighborhood, and some guy came past me very fast and shot me with a gun, straight into my neck. It was at point blank – there was no missing me, it was inevitable, I was going to die. In that moment, my initial experience / reaction was shock. This was it – it has happened and there is nothing stopping it, I am going to die. I started to breathe, I brought myself to my breath, realizing that is where I am and this was happening. More things moved within me – I thought of my partner and the unexpectedness he would have to walk with, with me dying. I thought I wasn't ready, or that I slightly resisted the reality of what was happening, that I was dying. I was disappointed that it happened this way, that is happened at that time , I wasn't ready to go, or at least I thought. But then I realized, or within me I knew, it was happening, that was the reality and there was nothing I could do to change it… so ...

Today I saw resistance towards studying. Because I have had this resistance experience towards studying before, today there was some stuff 'piled up' to get done and in that, more resistance as in thinking "this is too much now". This is just the consequence of what one allow when things get put off 'for later' in accepting and allowing resistance in the first place. So prevention was possible and obviously the best cure. This is also a point I have been facing/working with - yet without an effective solution I am walking that I am satisfied with. Yet - still working with it and so tonight's blog - in relation to the resistance towards studying and the ways in which I 'walk around it', justifying me putting it off. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to studying through and as defining school work as difficult or challenging or me as not being 'good enough' or 'good at it' and to wi...

Ok - so here I am going to walk the commitment I made in the previous post to finish what I have started in terms of going back to the blogs in my Journey to Life that were walked as a series that I gave up on/myself and finish walking through them with self forgiveness  and self corrective statements- before I even go into the points I started writing about that opened this point as support for myself - which you can see here in this blog . Yes - I hear myself and see what I have been doing and so I will trust myself within what I see is required of me within my process/Journey to Life. Here I return to the Bully in me - in stopping myself from bullying myself as burying down points that I leave for later instead of walking them through to it's removal/completion/solution. I opened this point in my blog over a month ago and identified two memories from my life that were sustaining the paranoia I was existing within as fearing someone making fun of me/not being real with me. I...

Ok so I am continuing from the previous two blogs, The Birth of a Bully Part 1 & 2 , in identifying this 'bully character' from memories that I found in investigating myself as this experience I've had throughout my life of fear of others 'bullying' me. What I will do here is take the first memory, from the first blog I wrote in this series, and lay out all the mind-dimension that are present in the memory - as a guideline for myself as I walk through the memory, placing myself as 'who I am/was' in that moment as the memory, in order to release it from myself, with self forgiveness and self corrective statements/application, in no longer being influenced by 'who I was' in my past, and instead be here, free, without memories directing me within who I am now - or what I will no longer accept and allow myself to be. Looking at the first memory, this is what I find: Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining tha...

This is continuing from yesterday's blog: Day 181: The Birth of a Bully So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an   experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me. So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here. This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with  a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we ...

Last night I was doing my own personal writing, I came across an interesting point. The experience I was writing about was this point of fear - fear of someone making fun of me, laughing at my expense, not being 'real' with me in terms of they were fucking with me - basically pretending to be 'nice' or 'cool' with me but secretly they were making fun of me. I have seen this point come up within me before - but this time I found the memories that were sustaining it. It was so clear - two distinct memories that allowed me to see and realize WHY I was experiencing this point within myself. I found them in asking myself ok, why would I experience this? Where in my life perhaps have I done this to someone or where in my past have I experienced this before. Basically just directing myself through my mind in looking for anything that 'came up' within me in relation to this. And yes, there they were - just waiting to be dealt with. So I will write out th...