Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing with opening the word Success - how I've defined it and lived it throughout my life . I have a memory in my life, in my early twenties, where I become quite obsessed with the idea of making money. I was full of desire, and wanted an escape from my life, and I thought if I invested a lot of money in this specific course, I would be able to do just that. I spent one weekend at a seminar, and over $1000 on material, and a few weeks to follow of research for something that did not play out as I expected. The desire to succeed, which was really the desire for more money/financial freedom was the motivation, though I did not at that stage understand what it actually takes to create something – I simply just wanted results NOW. After not getting what I was expecting, thinking if I just threw enough money, and had certain material, things would just work out for me – though of course that is now how it works, and I simply gave up. The energy as the desire depleted and I...

Continuing here from the previous posts where I am looking at where I developed this idea that "I'm not good enough' or 'worthy'. Yesterday I laid out the more existential perspective; where it's easy to see how so many can have this view of themselves in a world that seems to not really care - if you don't have the looks, the car, the smarts or basically the money then you are not really considered to be of any worth and are disregarded in the eyes of the system and those that participate. So that is clear in how such a world of ours, where we place the value of life into/as the value of money - how much money you have or don't have and how it influence your life. is a key determinant to how one sees themselves. Even seeing how money is produced and to what extremes one will go to 'make money' - exploiting all types of people just to make a buck and because of that, we have images of what is good enough and worthy bombarding us on a daily ...

Continuing on with the Self Forgiveness process from the writing of Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation.  Here I am looking at a statement that, as(at) quick glance, seems 'innocent' - yet when I look further in my writing, I see this specific statement, "But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog." The reason this statement stands out is because later in the this blog, I go on to reveal my 'real' starting point - so this statement here above is the justifications and excuses I was giving myself in attempt to 'make okay' and validate the 'real' starting point. So this is cool to see because that is what the Mind tends to do - give us points to consider that seem practical, yet what is lying behind this justifications, that make it sound 'so right'...

"Don’t worry, just breathe – If it is meant to be, it will find its way" This statement is all to familiar with me. You might have heard it in various ways - like, "Just go with the flow", or "if it's meant to be, it will be". Such statements and beliefs exist within the implication of a force outside of ourselves - guiding and directing and 'taken care of' everything for us. This statement also implies preprogramming - a predetermined destination that has already been created, and that we are just in it for the ride, and to just sit back and go along with whatever will come. I use to tell this to myself a lot. Relax, if it is suppose to happen, it will happen. It's what I told myself to re assure myself that 'everything is ok' - a way I used to keep myself content with my world and my reality, trusting in some higher force at play that will in the end provide for me that which I need. Then I found Desteni - and the self realiz...

There is this saying I have heard my whole life. "Nobody is perfect" And this statement is usually spoken wherein someone makes a mistake. Or becomes emotional, or does something they regret or are reactive to/towards. It's like, shit, I fucked this up, but it's ok, nobody is perfect. It's this acceptance that, nope, we are not perfect. We are flawed. And we accept that of ourselves. We don't believe we can stop accepting such a self limitation. Because really, it is self defeat. It says, I am not perfect. I was made imperfect. Therefore I have this statement to blame or to 'give up' my self responsibility for my thoughts, words and deeds. Simply, because "Nobody is perfect" If no one is perfect, then I don't have to be perfect. I can exist like everyone else. I can accept imperfection within this World. The environment is being destroyed by humans for profit and power? Well, "Nobody is Perfect" The child got sold into ...

So an interesting point came up today while I was at work. Currently - I work as a server in a restaurant. There was 8 other people serving with me tonight, yet I was a 'closer'. So I was in one of the sections that stays on till close. It is a 'leadership' role - that entails ensuring all work is completed - during and after the shift, well in regards to stocking supplies we needs during the shift, and at the end of the night, making sure the place looks nice and ready for the next day. Well - we have recently added new 'running side work' for everyone during the shift. We all get placed on a board and are assigned to a specific task throughout the night. For example, one person will keep the ice bins full all night, another will make sure cups are stock, another will stock plates and silverware, and etc. My name was not on the board - and neither was the other closer. So I was like, what am I suppose to do? Apparently - the closers 'job' is to en...

Today, while working a job - I was taken to an office building with 16 floors. I was going to the top. While on the ride upwards - I noticed that the floors went from 12 to 14. Hmm.. where was the 13th floor? Immediately - I assumed it was because of this black cloud that hangs over the number 13 - but thought no way this is actually why there is no 13th floor. Perhaps it's a mechanical floor? On my way down - there were 2 other women with me in the elevator. I asked them why they thought there was not a 13th floor available for access. They told me - superstitions. Apparently it's common for buildings with more then 13 floors to 'skip' the 13th floor. Seriously? So I did a little research and found out that this has been an accepted 'norm' since the early 1940s. Because of this superstitions about the number 13 being unlucky - tenants will either skip allowing this floor to be accessed, use it as a mechanical floor - or will label it Floor M. Anyone else ...