Kristina's Journey to Life

This point is in relation to how I had lived my life before, wherein I would replay the thoughts that "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!" Which is obviously within a negative context - yet no solutions were ever lived or changes made, I would just basically sit in my shit and complain and whine and moan about how I was a failure at life, allow myself to judge myself, yet never realize the simplistic solution to DO something about it. Now I seem to be living the polarity. I am busy these days, with school, and work and tutoring and my participation with desteni. I have taking on many responsibilities and commitment - and I am grateful to be doing what I am doing, as every moment of each task is the opportunity to in fact face myself and change the patterns I have seen myself live out. Yet - within this, I have accepted myself to go into the 'positive' side of it as, "Look at all the thin...

Recently I sat down with a math instructor to go over some math material as review because I am unable to make it to the tutor training sessions during the week, as I am in class during those times . She gave me some “constructive criticism” – and said that, lol – specifically, to take a breath before I speak when working on problems – as she said I seemed to react to quickly to thinking I don’t know how to do something. And within this – I can see this is helpful and I can use as support for me, as I do think I am not effective enough in math to tutor another, or fear I will not know something when helping another student. So support coming from all areas of my life and can be applied in all areas as well... Stop, breathe and become aware of myself before proceeding with word or action. Do not live as a reaction, instead live in self honest, self awareness to realize all the self judgments are self created and thus useless to live effectively. I forgive myself that I have accepted...

Seeing a reaction of self judgments to/towards my body and within this exist within the starting point of "desire to be thin" as the decision to work out I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body and it's shape/form I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the starting point of self judgment projected onto my body, desire to 'work out'/exercise within the desire to make this feeling of 'being fat' go away, without considering the reasons for why I am in judgment of my body in the first place, and thus only accepting the self definition of being fat within then working out because of this as a way I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out within the desire to "look good" based on a picture/image within my mind that i have accepted as the definition of "looking good", not realizing it has been programmed into me through family, friends, me...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and define and judge them as an asshole because they kept correcting my English, and when I felt insecure within this, blame them for my experience instead of me taken responsibility for myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to another because of my level of intelligence I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another to be smarter than me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another as being less smart and thus inferior I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and another on intelligence level, instead of realizing we are all products of our programming and thus we are not yet all equal within intelligence and capabilities I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself on how I speak ...

Before I found Desteni - I wore a lot of Make Up. A lot of Cover Up. A lot of mascara and eye liner and lip gloss. In no way could I leave my house without these things... this I would not accept. Because I did not accept Me - and I believed I had to make myself up into something better - for others to see and accept me. This has stopped as I SEE the self deception.. yet points have arised here and there where I 'think' about wearing make up again, and so revisiting the point I was existing within and accepting as myself to show to myself why I will never go back.. and what I have supported myself to see in walking the process of taking off the mask and standing naked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear make up to present an image to others I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my physical look as ‘not good enough’ and thus wear make up to make myself up into something better then how I have defined myself without make up ...