Kristina's Journey to Life

The first time in this 30-day journey that I had the thought come up "I don't know what to write about." This is a familiar saying I've faced throughout the years I've been blogging, but the first time in a long time. Though I'm not surprised, because it's the first time in a long time I've been consistent with it, or rather directing myself to create consistency with it. So I had the thought and immediately realized what's behind the thought, which was a first. A deeper layer of understanding of what I'm actually saying to myself. What I'm actually saying is I am not wanting to investigate anything within myself... I am not wanting to introspect and question moments of my day and who I was or the relationship I have to certain things. So "I don't know what to write about" is the smoke screen, the truth is I don't want to question myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the ...

Continuing from the previous blog ... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of waiting, as waiting for some specific, perfect condition to provide me with the opportunity to move myself and utilize my potential, realizing that no condition is ever perfect, and that I must create the conditions myself, in how I condition myself in my day to day living actions as either being self-supportive or self-destructive I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of waiting… as waiting for some future moment or event to signify my ‘okay’ to move myself and utilize my utmost potential, instead of realizing that this is simply existing within a future projection, an image within my mind of how things ‘may be’ and is essentially just existing within hope… hope for some future event to magically manifest wherein I THEN can live my utmost potential.. Here I realize it’s as if I’m in a resistance to living my pote...

Recently there is this point of like waiting…. Like I’m waiting for this moment in time to arrive so I can start actually living, which in this case me moving to Canada. It’s like I’m waiting for that time to arrive, or waiting for the moment when I can start packing, like ‘not yet’ – it’s not yet necessary for me to start. I had planned things well, and so far, things have gotten done in a timely manner because I am not feeling rushed or overwhelmed. I have directed what I need to direct and so I am walking with enough time and space, so why am I so unsatisfied? There is this point of me not living my potential. Not using the time I have effectively. Because I do have time for more projects, to be more active in my life, to be more engaged, to write my blogs and create vlogs and to do my own research and investigations and development… yet I’m not utilizing it; I'm not yet developing it to my full potential . I’m waiting. What am I waiting for? I’m waiting for the perfe...

Continuing on with the Self Forgiveness process from the writing of Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation.  Here I am looking at a statement that, as(at) quick glance, seems 'innocent' - yet when I look further in my writing, I see this specific statement, "But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog." The reason this statement stands out is because later in the this blog, I go on to reveal my 'real' starting point - so this statement here above is the justifications and excuses I was giving myself in attempt to 'make okay' and validate the 'real' starting point. So this is cool to see because that is what the Mind tends to do - give us points to consider that seem practical, yet what is lying behind this justifications, that make it sound 'so right'...

In the moments before coming here to write, I had a resistance to it. The resistance was in the form of a judgment of myself, for how I saw myself today not breathing effectively, as bringing myself back to my breath. Yet this is a real negative perspective on my part, as only looking as certain moments where I 'fell' and gave into certain thoughts , back chats and reactions. Yet there were other moments, where I did stop and breathe and not allow myself to follow the mind movement I was experiencing. So why do I focus on the self judgment and not how I did support myself? More specifically in relation to this judgment as a resistance to writing, it was within the context of holding myself accountable, as I felt I wasn't today and so did not want to share that in my blog, because I was ashamed. This was not a strong emotion of shame, yet it was there and enough to produce thoughts as ways to justify why I shouldn't write and contemplating how I could excuse mys...

What is cool about this 7 year Journey to Life - where we are committing ourselves to walking ourselves through physical writing and self forgiveness daily - is how it has placed me in a position to see my self dishonesty.. actually it has supporting me in facing and becoming self honest about my self allowed dishonesty I was not writing everyday - I was not self forgiving every day - I was simply breathing and using that as my excuse to not push through the resistances as the thoughts I would have about 'doing it later'. This is very deceptive - as I am in the moment of resistance, defining myself as not able to walk through the resistance, allow it to direct me and keep me from doing that which I see is necessary to be done. To face myself and to become self honest with myself in what I am participating in my day to day living. And so - this Process - this Journey - specifically is supporting me to face my dishonesty of not applying myself, and how even I then allow...

Excuses to not do what I have committed myself to do. Last night I came home from work with a headache. The headache is a similar pain I Have had before - and I know it's from thinking - from existing within ego and participating in the energy of 'highs and lows' wherein I use energy to move me and direct me in my world. After allow the positive energy to fuel me and I move and take many actions - I end up cycling back to the low so that the equation may balance itself out - and thus end up 'feeling' like not doing anything. And again - allow this energetic emotion direct me as energy that fuels me to not do anything. So last night I could have written for myself - yet I 'chose' not to - as I was giving myself all sorts of excuses such as 'I'm in too much pain' and 'I don't feel like it' These are the moments I require to allow myself to realize the gift of SELF - MOVEMENT - wherein I do not require energy as thoughts and feelin...