Kristina's Journey to Life

When I look back at my life I had a handful of very close relationships with women. These are the tight bonds, the inseparable months or years, looking towards only each other to make each other laugh... and they ended in complete destruction. When I look at the people in my life that I have the most conflict towards today, it's also women. While I feel the safest with women, I also see the most conflict in relation to women.... and since women need to stand up within themselves, and this world, to take lead on showing the way of creating a world that nurtures and cares for what 's best for all, I got some work to do... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into conflict with other women I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into comparisons with other women I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into jealousy in relation to other women I forgive mys...

In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough. Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed. I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it i...

I am continuing here from my previous blog, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation and I am going to apply self forgiveness for the points I see are within the writing. What I first see is, "I noticed one being's blog and then another's, connected these two blogs together and according to how I saw/defined them, from there decided I "wanted" to write a blog" This indicate my starting point for 'wanting' to write a blog was within desire - and what I am coming to see/realize/understand is that desire stems from, or comes from the starting point of fear. And when I look within myself, in that moment, yes that is where I was 'coming from'. I reacted to these two blogs sitting next to each other. lol - sounds ridiculous, but from there I compared myself, assumed something,  projected some alternate reality within my mind and then decided, "I must write a blog." Because I did not like what I was 'seeing' as my r...

This is continuing from yesterday's blog: Day 181: The Birth of a Bully So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an   experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me. So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here. This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with  a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we ...

Throughout the relationships I have had within my life – there is one point that always emerged with the feelings of Love: Fear. “What is he doing right now? Who is he talking to? Is he ignoring me? Is he interested in someone else? I gotta find out what he’s doing.. I gotta protect myself. I know he’s up to no good. What if he’s cheating on me. How could he hurt me? Can I trust him? I have to look through his phone to find out what he’s up to. I will die if I find out theres someone else. But I gotta find out. I know there is someone else. Does he think she’s prettier then me? How can I make myself more then her so that he will only look at me? Why is he talking to her? Is there something going on between them? I have to find a way to be better for him… to keep him away from others. I don’t trust her… why is she talking to him? He’s mine!” This is just a short script pulled from the Mind of Humans. I know I am not the only one. These back chats existed in all my relationships and ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe life is about competition I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in life I have to be more then another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I feel as if I am not being ‘more’ then another or I am not wining within the competition I have created within myself to/towards another – attempt to diminish them through blame I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this need for power and control over another through competition and if I experience myself as inferior to another being – believing I have to diminish them within myself or outwardly towards them in order to regain my perceived sense of power and control I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have no power and control within myself and thus desire to have this over another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power and control away to me a...

While participating in one of my daily activities – I found I was giving a lot of attention to one being specifically – and within this I started having fears about what this person thought of me or how another person within their reality thought of me – as I feared they were reacting to me giving so much attention to this one being. And it wasn’t as such as giving attention – but simply happen to be, through the activity I was participating within that it seemed as if I was giving this person more attention. And do I realize this is a self definitions/persecution within myself. So within this – I had fear about how a being was reacting – assumed that they were reacting – and this is also based on self definitions of this person based on past memories and knowledge and information of ‘who this person was’ or what they participated within. Now I can direct this back to myself within seeing that if I were standing in this being’s shoes – this is how I would have reacted. That this othe...