Kristina's Journey to Life

Competition and Comparison. The earliest experience or memory that I have to comparison is to a girl in my first grade class. Her name was Tiffany. She was pretty, and skinny and always had nice clothes. I would compare myself to her and saw myself as inferior. Everyone seemed to like her, and I always felt like I was on the outside and in the shadow. I felt inferior to her. I felt like because everyone liked her, they didn't have ‘room’ for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to Tiffany, and to within this, see myself as inferior I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as superior to me based on what she wore and to within that, think my clothes were not as nice I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as more popular than me, and to within this, define myself as less than her I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany...

After watching a documentary called "Big Sugar," and writing a blog about it - here are personal points for which I applied self forgiveness for: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purchase and consume sugar in the various forms it comes in from chocolate to breads and meats, without any awareness , consideration or understanding of how it got to the shelf in which I've picked it up from and instead simply see it there for me to purchase and consume and thus abdicate the responsibility I have to the rest of my world wherein fellow human beings must suffer dire conditions simply so that I am able to consume sugar I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that from this awareness of knowing where and how my sugar came to be on the shelf from which I can pick it up and buy it with my money , being that which beings must suffer in conditions that I would never want to be in myself, think that the solution to...

Continuing here from the previous posts where I am looking at where I developed this idea that "I'm not good enough' or 'worthy'. Yesterday I laid out the more existential perspective; where it's easy to see how so many can have this view of themselves in a world that seems to not really care - if you don't have the looks, the car, the smarts or basically the money then you are not really considered to be of any worth and are disregarded in the eyes of the system and those that participate. So that is clear in how such a world of ours, where we place the value of life into/as the value of money - how much money you have or don't have and how it influence your life. is a key determinant to how one sees themselves. Even seeing how money is produced and to what extremes one will go to 'make money' - exploiting all types of people just to make a buck and because of that, we have images of what is good enough and worthy bombarding us on a daily ...

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st. Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me. I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation. My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, even within the realization of the nature of myself as self interest, in where I am constantly seeking and seraching to find ways to ‘fill myself’ with a reward for the being in which I display myself as, still exist as the starting point – in still allowing myself to move from/as self interest as who I am instead of stopping and breathing and moving myself from the awareness of what is best for all as I see /realize/understand that to move from/as self interest in not best for all – it is in fact greedy and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as greed as self interest in where I just want to get anything I can to reward myself as a form of validation for ‘who I am’ not realizing that the ‘who I am’ that I am trying to reward is my ego that has been constructed and programmed into me since birth, in where I was taught ‘how to be’ in order to survive in this world and in this world of compa...

Yesterday while I just got out of the shower and was getting ready for work. My mom ran in to use the bathroom. I am busy brushing my teeth and about to ask her a question when she says, ‘god you smell so gross. It smells like an old man in here – it’s so disgusting, it’s because you don’t use anything’ I reacted to this by turning around and walking away and saying, ‘shut up, don’t talk to me’. I was about to go up to my room – but realized I was still brushing my teeth so when into the kitchen to use the sink. I was reacted heavily to this – and within myself I was saying, “how dare she. I don’t use any products because I use to place so much value on them – and now I am showing myself that I can live without them’ I went into anger and blame ‘for she’s the one that values the beauty system including products used to change the way that we smell into “acceptable” ways. She attempted to apologize – but I didn’t want to hear it. I was so angry at her for being a bitch. That’s w...