Kristina's Journey to Life

In yesterday's blog , I wrote about a memory that was an initial moment in my life where I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, based on the actions of my dance instructor - putting me in the back row and misinterpreting this as meaning I was not good enough to be in the front row. What I see more clearly since writing it out is how that has been a major experience throughout my life - always feeling I must and should 'stay in the background', in a way hide out and not make myself visible. The idea of 'stepping up' or 'stepping out' and drawing any kind of attention to myself would trigger self-judgments and this idea that I'm not good enough to be seen, or heard, and so rather stay 'in line' and 'in my place' of being in the back row. This has obvious consequences in my life such as suppressing myself in a moment where I could speak, or act, or share myself and instead I will remain silent and as less noticeable as possi...

Tonight at work I saw myself become angry - which I have not seen in awhile. There was like this rage that wanted to come out and the trigger were the words of a co-worker. The specifics of what he was saying triggered a reaction within me that I see I have been participating in the last few days or weeks even - where I have been feeling unworthy and not good enough in certain moments and instead of directing myself out of this point, I have been looking outside of myself to find this point that says "You are worthy and good enough". Perhaps I was not looking for these specific words, I was looking for an indicator that implied this, something I could use to interpret for myself that "this means I'm good enough and worthy." Well, where I have been looking for it - it does not exist. Obviously - it cannot exist outside of me and the fact that I am thinking and believing that I will find it outside of myself is a key indicator of why I allowed myself to be...