Kristina's Journey to Life

Self Commitment/Corrective Statements from the previous blog : When and as I see myself reacting negatively as judgment toward others in terms of their behavior or what they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this negative reaction as judgment indicate this point existent within me – where what I am judging/reacting negatively towards another about is the same point I've participated with throughout my life, or am currently participating within. And so I commit myself to not participate in judgment towards others, and instead in the moment, breathe and take back self-responsibility as identifying where in my life I've done exactly the same thing, and so within this – stopping blame/judgment and bringing all things back to myself as the cause, source, and origin. I commit myself to realizing a reaction towards another within me is never about anyone else, and always about me. When and as I see myself constantly checking myself out in the ref...

The following is self-forgiveness in relation to yesterday's blog : I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to another and her daughter when I saw the behavior of them checking themselves out in the reflection of the window… as judging them as shallow and limited to have such a concern about constantly seeing what they look like, without realizing this is the same behavior I participate within and act out I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think and need I have to look at my own reflection in the mirror , as a constant point of validation and checking as to whether I look acceptable or not, based within the starting point of fear and desire where I fear what others will think of me and desire to be accepted by them through how I look I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a positive energy experience when I see my reflection in the mirror and I look as I would define accepta...

The other day while participating in a medical study – I noticed a reaction towards one of the staff. She was a young girl and you could see that she put a lot of effort in her physical presentation; what she wore, how her hair looked, and how her make-up was done. Soon enough we (me and the other study participants) found out she was the daughter of one of the nurses who had been also working with us. What I observed within myself while observing this girl is how much she placed emphasis on the way that she looked, and within this, judgment towards her for that. A particular behavior I could see clearly that indicated this was how she would constantly check her reflection in the mirror of the windows. It’s was quite obvious she was doing this, or at least from my perspective. The judgment was she is conceited and lost in her own image and reflection. Though – I get it. It’s the same behavior I've seen within myself. And that is what caused this reaction  of j...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of points within myself, within my life that I have attached value to as being important or somehow giving me something that without - I could not or would not have I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the attachments I have created towards points separate and outside of me here, through and as my mind I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of those points within myself and within my life that I have attached a positive energy and definition towards - where I do not want to let go of them at all, I fear letting go of them because I fear not having them/it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within defining myself according to something outside and separate from me here as having a positive value judgment I have given to it and to within this define myself as better or more or my life...

Continuing from yesterday's blog where I write out a point I have been facing that I came face to face with in the form of anger/rage. I recapped the points that I placed in the blog and so here I will take that first line of what I see was the cause/source/origin for the reactions and experiences I have been having the last few days and specifically what triggered the anger and rage within me. "I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and not good enough." I mean this is clear to me that due to this acceptance and allowance as a self definition of 'who I am', I have created all sorts of relationships and play-outs in my life that were perhaps preventable; causing myself unnecessary strife in accepting such an idea about myself and then actually believing if another offer this to me, it would be real and make 'okay' the already established self definition of me. Obviously it can't, it wont and it hasn't. So what I am...

Here, self forgiveness in relation to the points I have been facing in the last few days and how I've come to see and realize it is an accumulation of a faulty starting point from which I made a decision of 'how to proceed' - where I moved myself into a position within self dishonesty. So this blog is in relation to the accumulated reactions I have experienced and in blogs to follow I will go back through the days in applying self forgiveness for the origin/starting point that created what I am now experience/facing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing my JTL blog within/as a reaction of myself within the last week in relation to my blogs, and more specifically the points I have opened up in relation to ‘no napping’ as I have come to see/realize/understand the starting point from which I moved into that point and see it was within self interest, to prove something to myself and others and thus not within the principl...

My summer school semester is coming to an end with one week left. The follow week I am going on holiday and the other night I kept waking up with the experience of fear and thoughts of the trip and fearing things were not settled and I would go on the trip not being prepared or missing something that I should have done before I left. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday in feeling like I am not prepared I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday because I fear I will not be prepared or have everything that I need – I think I will miss something or forget something I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of fear when considering my upcoming trip yet within this not have a valid reason as to why I should be experiencing fear I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to quickly get to the day I will be going on my trip y...

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st. Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me. I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation. My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within my physical reality wherein physical points come up that I have either committed to or see are necessary to 'walk through' and complete and to within this react to having to address or walk through physical reality points in the moment, as they arise, that I did not expect or 'plan for' because of this idea I have created and accepted within my mind of 'what today will look like' in terms of what I would like to have gotten done I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my days within my mind of the tasks and responsibilities that are required to be done and to within this say "yes, this is what I will do today and this is how it will look and this is how i will feel if/when I do all these things" and so when physical reality reveals an alternate point that was not in the list within my mind of the things I 'wanted' to do, react in not wanting to ...

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority We will go straight into self forgiveness here: Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within defining two girls in my class as superior to me and thus me as inferior to them, standing in fear of not being 'as cool/equal' to them - from fear move into desire as wanting them to like me and accept so and thus allowing myself to be influenced by them and myself in accepting and allowing myself to make decisions that were not best for all, but only best for me in how I perceived what was bes...