Kristina's Journey to Life

Finishing up the last part of this blog series I've been walking. Read the following for context: 414: Hiding Out in a Limitation 415: The Belief about Self behind a Limitation 416: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable Experience 417: A Compromise and Consequence of Self-Interest When and as I see myself holding onto a fear rather than considering others in my environment and how my actions may affect them physically, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I’m giving more value to a fear than actual physical reality , and only through accepting and allowing self interest could create such a point and so I commit myself to stop existing within my own self interest and instead dare to consider those around me, and how my actions effect them, and how in my lack of change, I can create consequences not only for myself, but for others as well When and as I see myself existing within a starting point of want/fear of getting/not getting the lesser traf...

I've been looking at this point that opened up at work last week, and it's interesting to see the different layers/dimensions of it. First there was the fear, the limitation, and the belief about myself behind the limitation. Now to the self interest. Read the previous blogs for context: 414: Hiding Out in a Limitation 415: The Belief about Self behind a Limitation 416: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable Experience The following is self-forgiveness for the Self interest of wanting my ‘wants’ based on fear /emotions and so not considering others physical needs: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider others needs when a fear is driving me to make decisions within my work environment I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and hold my fear of being at a high traffic computer and the potential of more interaction with people at work become more important to me than how another is physically, where I will no...

One point I am seeing within myself at work is a point of self-dis-empowerment. There are 3 computer/work stations where I work, and while I was in training, I was told a certain station had less traffic then the others, and one had the most traffic. I’ve noticed now, since being out of training, and on my own, my first choice of work stations is the one that apparently has the less traffic. Initially I considered this was a point of getting comfortable still with the job position, and as I was still learning the job and getting amalgamated, I was wanting to be there with the less guest traffic, as being less pressure essentially. Though today I saw it more in relation to two specific points: self-interest and a limitation I am accepting and allowing.  A self interest point because another worker also prefers that station, the one with the apparent less traffic. Though it’s due to a physical comfort point, where the computer screen is higher for her and so less pressure...

Have you ever had that experience where you KNOW what another person is thinking, or feeling , or experiencing? And from this KNOWING, you direct yourself in a certain way? Or really, it's not even about you directing yourself, when one interprets how another is experiencing themselves, one then is influenced by this interpretation. Which really is just an assumption . Let me explain a bit better. Recently I've noticed this point within me of where I will assume to know what another it thinking and feeling and experiencing. And what is most interesting about this assumption/interpretation is that it is always in relation to Me. Where I think I know how one is experiencing themselves in relation to me, and from this, will be influenced by this idea or interpretation of what I think I know they are experiencing in relation to me. Sounds kind of like a mess, doesn't it? Well it is. What I was supported to see today was that when I interpret what another person is ...

In the previous blog I brought up this point of a new job and how within that, there were some initial hesitancy and fears in relation to the change. In the last few days, since going through orientation and getting the training shifts scheduled, I've noticed reactions about how my schedule will be 'busy'. "This will be too much." "I wont have any free time" "Do I really want this?". And what was interesting is that these were the statements I was making within my mind, yet it was not the actual point that was triggering the reaction within me. Meaning - there was more 'behind the scenes' that I was not yet seeing that was causing me to then turn to a 'busy schedule' as a way of basically drawing attention within  myself to something that doesn't really matter in terms of facing the Real issue here.  The real issue - a fear that threatened a self-image. The point I saw that was the 'real issue' in terms of w...

I am going to continue here from the previous blog I wrote, "Opening up Inferiority and Superiority." I wasn't sure if I was going to continue within this point, however I just read a fellow destonian's JTL blog entitled, "The Insecurity System" which addresses some similar points I placed in my previous blog in regards to the starting point of superiority being inferiority and from how within childhood, this experience of self had been conditioned. While reading this blog, I was looking at my own childhood experience and seeing if I could pin point this acceptance of myself as being inferior. Like the moment where I decided I was less than others and from there have slowly but surely created a character to live out as to cover up the real face of my inferiority. The first memory was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her family was rich, herself, her mother and her sister I can recall clearly were so beautiful and everyone seemed to like her. It w...

Today I was all over the place emotionally. The day started with waking and seeing again a moment of choice/decision and within that, fallen. Hitting the snooze button and almost reveling in that. Like satisfied with my desire to sleep in longer and allowing myself to do so. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue accepting and allowing desire in the morning to direct and influence me to hit the snooze button, instead of breathing and embracing my day as physically moving to get myself out of the day and stand within myself, as directive principle, as a support foundation of how I will enter and walk within my day When and as I see myself waking in the morning, hearing my alarm and seeing the moment of choice as to either follow a desire as to go back to sleep/stay in bed or to breathe and move myself to get up and support myself within this first moment of a waking decision of who I can be within/as my day, I stop and I breathe through the resi...

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to take personally another's actions and to then want to make them feel bad as I feel bad as taking it personally I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate another in making them feel bad/ guilty for their actions instead of realizing the deception within this – making it about me, about my ego and it’s preciousness being hurt and then value that more than another as a human being I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove my ego in relation to others and their actions so that I can stand as a stability point for myself and them within seeing and realizing how unsupportive it is to allow my ego free reign to make another and their actions about me as taking things personally I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt as a consequential experience of what I have accepted and allowed of myself as taking it personally ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of points within myself, within my life that I have attached value to as being important or somehow giving me something that without - I could not or would not have I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the attachments I have created towards points separate and outside of me here, through and as my mind I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of those points within myself and within my life that I have attached a positive energy and definition towards - where I do not want to let go of them at all, I fear letting go of them because I fear not having them/it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within defining myself according to something outside and separate from me here as having a positive value judgment I have given to it and to within this define myself as better or more or my life...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within myself when I am feeling physically weak or tired I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately fall within myself when I am physically sick, weak or tired - to see that I have already created a consequence as being physically weak or tired but here seeing who I am within such a consequence/ experience - where I will just 'give into' the experience and use it to fall within myself - to say within myself "I AM" this physically weakness and tiredness and I give up - and want to just fall into and as it within victimizing myself, pitying myself, and thus actually relishing in the experience of "I am falling " because of physically how I feel instead of realizing that even within being physically sick or tired or weak, i can still breathe and not accept and allow myself to internally experience a point of ' giving up ' and 'falling' where I si...

At the moment I am experiencing a more exaggerated experience I've had throughout the day – and perhaps another placed the word in communication – apathy. I saw this experience when seeing on television the Syrian death’s – assuming it was a chemical attack – and many children were suffering because of it. I saw images of people having seizures and laying helpless and looks of pain on their face and the overall environment seemed chaotic. I found myself having the ‘expected’ reaction where I was seeing these images, I realize they are real people, I am expected to react in horror and sadness and yet I felt nothing. It was like I put on the “I feel this – I can’t believe this is happening” face, yet the experience there was nothing. It was like I could not feel for them. And yet the day before I watched a 6 minute documentary about animals being abused for our consumption and I cringed at the images, I didn't want to see but I told myself I must watch this and see what is ha...