Kristina's Journey to Life

April 28, 2020 I am learning what it means to express myself in a moment. I have only begun to consider and realize what this means for real... to speak from a nothingness. No fear, worry, or desire, only me here in/as/with the moment and what is required to be shared/expressed to support the moment and all involved as what is best for all. This is something new for me. Often my instinct is to doubt and question myself - to not trust myself - to assume the worst of me.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak my self-honesty in moments due to a fear of how others will react and so instead, suppress me and turn it into a reaction I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see when I suppress my expression and how that turns into a reaction I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when my expression is wanting to come through I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed...

So the first dimension I can see within the statement made of, “we’re young and poor” is a fear of being different in the eyes of others, and within this – being judged or seen as weird, and that I must explain myself so that I don’t come off this way – there is a reason for ‘why’ we are doing things differently. (see previous blog for context). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the statement, “we’re young and poor” when telling the commissioner we were not exchanging rings when we get married, as a point of fear of how she would react as seeing us differently or weird I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define exchanging rings when getting married as something normal, and to not do this is to be abnormal, and so within this – to fear being seen as abnormal for not doing the ‘normal’ thing at a wedding ceremony I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going against societies tradition, and what...

While I was searching for an image for my blog yesterday, the one opening up about how I have lived 'insecurity' in my life - I was reminded how much more outflows of insecurity exist then I was actually seeing in writing it out. My experience specifically was in relation to a relationship - wherein I was feeling insecure and as if I was doing something wrong or I was not adequate and this mostly coming from that point already established within myself and so from here, looking for it in a relationship. When that does not provide what one is looking for in such a stance, then the reactions come and the experience of feeling inadequate is seen more clearly. Yet I did not realize the other ways in which accepting myself as 'insecure' played out in my life. I mean - the amount of make up I would wear and the time I would take to 'get ready' before leaving my house, the energy I put into what I would wear - I mean all of these things came from within a sta...