Kristina's Journey to Life

In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough. Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed. I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it i...

A point here I would like to flag for myself - a pattern I see I'm continuing to accept and allow that is now creating more consequences for me. Acting out my anger and frustrations and irritations and projecting them unto others. What is interesting about this point is that in this 'acting out' of frustration and anger and irritation and specifically expressing it outwardly towards others, we are in a way saying, "this is not my problem - these reactions I am having - this is now your problem - here, deal with my shit." And so the problem within this is that I am not 'dealing with my shit' and then spew it unto others to deal with. I am not directly saying this, yet that is an aspect of this pattern I am now seeing, that I've been facing in the last couple months - what I am actually doing in not directing myself out of these reactions with others is saying, "I have not dealt with the REAL issues within myself, here - you deal with it/me....

Here I am challenging the ideas I've come to accept in relation to 'how' I self investigate within my process as self writing and looking at points/ relationships I have created towards all things in my life/living and expose to myself another form of resistance I've created towards writing and how that is in fact self-sabotaging. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of self investigation as writing in thinking and believing that “I don’t know how to sort out this point” in relation to experiences/ reactions to people and situations in my life instead of seeing /realize/understanding that this is where I then stop and do not go into writing about it but simply accept the idea that I don’t know or can’t figure it out or that it is not clear when clearly this is simply me fucking with me as my mind to ensure I do not find out what is going on and thus apply solutions as self forgiveness and self correction a...