Kristina's Journey to Life

 Hello, world. It's been a minute. Or a few months at least. I have been writing on this blog forever... Or actually a decade now and it's taken that long to get to a point in my life where I am finally committed to ridding myself of caring what other people think and once and for all, living for me.  I have been walking and working towards this point with the understanding that was ultimately the point however clearly I was so separated and disconnected from myself that it took a decade of self-reflection, self-investigation, and self-forgiveness to finally realize what that practically means.  I'm tired of caring what other people think of me and I'm tired of trying to fit in with others. I am ready to live for myself, with myself, and as myself because I am the only person I actually have to live with!  So the last month I have been diving into this understanding and practicing what it means to live self-love, self-care, self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-hones...

Art By: Paulo Zerbato A point here of some fear I am experiencing in relation to those who see these blogs, and what they think of these blogs aka me, and my words and my process to Life. What I realize is that in my fear of what others think of me is the absence of my own self-created self-definition wherein I have not yet made a decision about who I am, particularly within these blogs, but overall in general and so in that void there is room for others to add their own interpretations and to me, this is where I see the fear is coming from. What if I filled that void myself? What if I decided who I am and made clear within myself why I do what I do - would I fear others adding their own observations? Would it matter where they stand in relation to me if I had established my own standing? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear some to see these words - to fear to see my self-forgiveness and the living commitments I make in my daily living I forgi...

When I am stressed I see the first thing I have a tendency of doing is getting frustrated with my partner. All of a sudden I'm focused in on what he's doing wrong, or what he's not doing enough of... everything he says I roll my eyes at. When I am feeling stressed, he becomes the target I aim it at. One aspect of this is because the stress is indicating something I am not taking full responsibility for, or where I have not done everything in my self-honest ability to prevent a situation where stress is being created... there are things I haven't done or am refusing to do which creates stress. And while I SEE this, instead of taking absolute responsibility for it I throw it unto my partner to deal with. I become a stressor for him. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within myself when I am stressed and as a way to release this stress, become blamey and judgmental towards my partner as if he's at fault for something inst...

Ever have that experience of your skin crawling when around someone you just don't 'vibe' with? You can't stand to be near them... you avoid them whenever possible. You don't want anything to do with them! Me too... so I made a recording talking a bit about that experience, how I reflect on it, and how I can understand it better to where it becomes a constructive experience rather than one I dwell in. The  Journey to Lifers Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without: Desteni DIP Lite Course  (FREE) DIP Pro Eqafe  (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc) For your Info: Destonian Wiki Equal Life Foundation SOUL (School of Ultimate Living)

There is one point I've been thinking about a lot recently - how intentions really get you nowhere. You can have all the pure, and good intentions in the world , better than anyone else on earth but those Intentions are USELESS if they do not lead to action. I'll give you an example. I have had in my calendar for more than a year for every Monday of every week to do a vlog. It's scheduled in there every single week. And the intention was to get myself creating this habit, to make it consistent, to walk through judgments and fears and to get to the REAL me as the expression of myself in a moment. To practice communication and face 'speaking in public, to get myself comfortable with simply expressing me. But I have not ONCE followed through on that intention. And so while I have created a nice image of what I would like to do and who I'd like to be, I have not actually lived it... and my actions define who I am, not my intentions. I forgive myself that I have ...

Today I noticed an experience within me in relation to another. I had in a way forced this person to stand in the shoes of someone they often complain about. In this particular moment, they were now in the same position, and so I suggested they act how they would like the one they complain about so much to act, now that they are in that position. So it was in a way getting someone to see who they are in the same position/responsibility, and to see if they would choose differently then what they've seen in another. If they would do it differently then how they've seen someone else do it, and clearly not be satisfied with. I could tell they were not happy about it. I in a way felt guilty, like I pushed this person to do 'what is right', without them actually making the decision . When I look back at the moment now, I can see I was basically showing this person how they were now in the position to change , to correct the behavior they have seen, and disliked about anoth...

Today while talking to a friend, I asked her about some mutual friends of ours... I was curious about some developments in their relationship . The friend I was speaking with suggest I ask them myself. I stood back within myself in this moment realizing I was being deceptive in a way, because why had I not just asked the source directly? Why did I go around them, and ask our mutual friend? Why was I not willing to go to the source of what my curiosity was about? I could see I felt it was inappropriate, as I considered if they wanted to share some information about their life , they would. But because they hadn't, they were not yet ready. Yet I still justified my want to know, and so asked another friend of ours. A big red flag here... if I couldn't go direct to the source, I shouldn't be seeking the information in the first place. So was a lesson for me today - gossip is still gossip, even if it's not nasty, or negative in nature. If you are unwilling to ask or sp...

Yesterday's blog ended with a great point showing exactly what I was writing about. The point of how much I define what I do, rather than who I am, and the example was shown in the actions I took right after I finished the blog, which was to look over the blog in seeing the amount I wrote as a way of determine whether it was 'good' or not. If it's longer, then it's better. If it's shorter, then I judge it as not good enough. The cool point about this is seeing that it's not actually about how MUCH I write, but what I write about. Exactly like it's not about what I do, but how I do it - who I am within it. Tonight's blog thus will be the self-forgiveness in relation to that blog, and those points opened up. There are two points to cover here - the positive and the negative. Within the negative experience, I define myself as 'bad, wrong, ineffective, unworthy' when I am not doing what I define as 'enough' in a day - when I fall...

Continuing with the waiting point… I often see myself telling myself, ‘I’ll do it later.’ Or “tomorrow is the day’. Within that, a positive feeling of accomplishment, because in the ‘I'll do it tomorrow/later’ and thus ‘waiting’, there is the belief that you will actually do it – that you are committed to doing it. Though – if that were actually the case, why not do it today? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off things for tomorrow or later instead of doing it today I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through putting things off till later or till tomorrow, trigger a positive feeling experience within me as the belief that I will actually do it, and that I will actually get it done, when in reality I see, realize, and understand that while I think the positive feeling is a sense of self-pride for committing to doing something ‘later’ – it is actually due to me fulfilling the desire to give into waiting – through acceptin...

Listening to the latest reptilian recording on Eqafe, "Where are you?"  the question was asked, 'where am I?' The response I had was in the context of myself, like inside myself, my body, my mind. In the interview, it was mentioned that if the response was in the context of where you are physically, like your environment, it's a pretty cool reference for yourself in terms of your awareness being focused in the physical reality. That was not my response, so there was a slight reaction to that. Though briefly before that, there was hope and anticipation that they would mention something about how I responded and that it would be "better than the first response." So this is a point I've noticed some up a few times in the past week. I've started two new jobs, and I noticed there were comparisons I was making between myself and those training me - both seeing myself as better at the job than my trainers, as well as management noticing this too ...

Today I realized, or more so finally admitted to myself, that my previous stability the last few years was completely dependent upon my environment and the routine I had set up for myself. Before I moved to Canada – I was pretty sure of myself in terms of my process – what I was doing , where I was going, and overall, the experience of myself. I was certain I could trust myself and that I would do whatever was necessary to be done to support myself within my process (that which I face within my life). Though since moving to a new country, a new environment, starting a new job and overall completely uprooting myself from ‘what I know’, I have felt a collapse within myself, like I have completely failed. This is due to the experience of myself being all over the place. I have faced so many new points, and faced myself essentially in new situations, and I was not prepared to the extent I thought I was. It’s been more than 6 months and I can finally say that the stability I had cre...