Kristina's Journey to Life

This is a continuation of a series I've been walking through writing, which you can see here: 271: Stuck in the Mind 272: Our Responsibility to become Self-Aware 273: Points of Anger, Impatience, Blame and Comparisons The next point that I can see within the initial writings is placed here: I then realized I missed the usual movement one would make in such a situation - when the yellow light turns red, and you are in the intersection - you make the turn. And then after realizing this, I wanted to cry. It was like an accumulation of an overall  experience  I've been having the last few days where it's like I feel like I am not stable and missing so many things and losing touch with my awareness. This moment triggered the reaction within me of feeling stupid and dumb and it was like how could I miss such a simple point. What I can see here is a moment of accumulation spill over into the emotion energy of self judgment and frustration. Basically I was co...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on the responsibilities and commitments I have made I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on certain responsibilities and commitments in my life because a new 'focus' has recently opened within my life that I define within my mind as 'better' and thus desire to give it more attention I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point as more than the other things in my life - where I judge things in my life according to the experiences I allow within myself that produce good or bad feelings and so according to this reaction - to an energetic reactions based on definitions and perceptions in my mind - determine what I will give my attention and focus on and within this define some things as responsibility and commitments in my life that I have been walking as not good enough, in producing the 'feel good' feelings that...

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st. Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me. I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation. My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed...

So I will continue from yesterdays blog here with self corrective statements regarding searching for fulfillment separate from me here When and as I see myself judging myself for who I was in the past as one without direction, motivation and will to actual do things in my life, within this defining myself as not being fulfilled because I did not have 'things' to fill my day, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, as the moment of breath, as letting go of 'who I was' in order to be who I am here, as I see/realize/understand that to judge myself for who I was in the past is a way to abdicate the responsibility that i have to actually investigate who I was, to see why and how I was living this point of separation in seeking fulfillment separate from me here and to thus then find solutions as I see/realize/understand that to accept and experience and then judge it does nothing in terms of actually changing it and so I commit myself to inves...

From the first blog I started in this series - I see the balancing act I was writing about is how I have balanced the polarity of the negative and positive being that I am in defining fulfillment to be something that which I find externally - in what I do in this world, my actions and responsibilities. So that is interesting and cool to see, that I am walking the tight rope of my own creation wherein I fear the negative and so lean towards the positive as a way to run from myself as the negative experience and definition I give to myself and then when I see this - leaning to one side as the positive, I fall as I have created an unstable grounding/foundation - instead I have created a line as a rope that I must walk on, yet always falling because I am trying to balance out the polarity by suppressing the negative as going into the positive. So why not remove the rope that I was on, suspended in mid air, and instead ground myself, with two feet on the ground, walking in/as/on this...

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication. The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘ good looking ’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement I forgive myself ...

Recently I have been seeing just how much I allow energy - or lack of energy - move me in my life. Whether I get a quick burst of excitement that catapults me into anything and everything with a great positive high, or a dull stop where I just want to lay still and don't want to do anything - either way, the positive or negative energies are moving me within my life, and this is not cool. Because I am then allowing automatic responses to direct and influence me, and within this, saying that if something makes me 'feel good', then I am more motivated to interact with my reality - and if I don't get what I am expecting - something that makes me feel good, then I hit a brick wall and I find I don't even have the energy to lift an eye lid. Just goes to show how much the mind pulls the strings and I am not at all living stability here as breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live off of high and low energies of the mind to move me ...

In the beginning of my process, as I would lay myself down for the night, I would always lay there, breathing, and apply self forgiveness. either on points I saw throughout my day or just thoughts that would arise in the moment. The experience within this was very cool. I have not done this since then, which has been almost 3 years. I created a resistance towards it where I have now accepted the 'feeling' of it as being 'unnatural'. What I realize within this is that I am allow feelings to direct me, and me not directing myself - which is absolutely what self forgiveness is. Taking direction within self to become self responsible in self honesty to see who self is and to take that self directive principle/will to no longer accept that which is clearly seen as not best for all/self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to applying self forgiveness out loud before I got to sleep I forgive myself that I have accepted and a...

Day 72 – Sept 8th 2012 Today I worked and did not want to be there and when the chance came for me to go home early – I took it. Without considering the fact that I require to work in order to have money and the more money I have in this world – the more I am able to move and get shit done. So – it was not in the best interest of me/all to go home early – yet I allowed laziness to take over and ‘gave in’ to the point of ‘not wanting to work’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when given the opportunity to go home early, react immediately with a yes, without taking a moment to actually consider the reality of the situation and consider the fact that while I am in school, I am not working as much, and without money, I cannot do much, like survive – and thus was not considering what was best in that moment of deciding to go home early, only was ‘feeling’ and ‘experiencing’ laziness and tiredness and decided based on this self-created experience to go home...

Today I was working on a Lesson within the Agreement Course I am walking within the Desteni I Process - and within this lesson, I saw how much I have allowed myself to be 'moved by energy'. Obviously - this is the process we are walking.. to stop allowing energy to move us as we can clearly see this implies something is having to move us - live for us, decide for us, instead of taking self responsibility to move ourselves, direct ourselves, to Live! So this is a general point I am going to address within this blog of Journey to Life - allowing energy to move me instead of me moving myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by energy I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself 'as energy' and thus allow it to move me instead of me moving me I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to generate energy within myself through the act of thinking, wherein I generate emotions and feelings a...