Kristina's Journey to Life

Here I am continuing on from the previous blog posts wherein I have been investigating, releasing and correcting a particular point within me in relation to a new job. Today I will go into the self forgiveness for the particular dimension of this reaction, which was basically a fear I have, stored as an image within my mind, of the possibility of me 'looking bad' within the two jobs from either being late or having a conflict of schedule that doesn't allow for me to be at one job because i'm scheduled at the other. So it's a self-image I am attempting to protect, in fear of being seen as a 'bad employee' and overall as a 'bad' human being as who I am within my jobs and how I conduct myself says a lot about who I am as a person overall and so fear of me coming across as not caring, irresponsible, and inefficient. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a future within my mind, as an image of me being late to one of...

Validation. This word has become a positive feedback mechanism wherein we are in this constant search for this illusive point. The problem is we have separated ourselves from living the word validation - instead of it being an expression of who we are - as validating ourselves; accepting ourselves, substantiating ourselves within who we are and how we live, we instead turn to others, to our outside world and environment to give us this point of validation - to confirm to us that we are okay, we are acceptable, and we belong. The consequence of this - a human being lacking any real courage to live for self, to do for self, to express for self, instead we are always looking for someone or something to give it to us. This is where Self ForGIVEness comes in. We must give to ourselves that which we seek from others - that is where the gift is, in seeing what we are looking for outside of ourselves and in turn, gifting it back to ourselves through embracing/giving/living it ourselv...

Today I started a veggie garden. I have been wanting to do this for over a year now - and so throughout the winter I was researching various sites and videos to gain perspective on how to actually do this. Simple enough. So today was the day I 'got it done'. I now have a small garden box in my back yard with carrot seeds, and green beans, and tomatoes, and bell peppers, and scallions. Something small just to start me out. We do not have the ideal back yard space for a garden - so I built a garden box. I found some random slabs of wood in the garage and threw myself together a garden box. Within myself - I felt proud. Proud of myself for getting this done. For being inventive in improving with materials and actually constructing a garden box. Then - family members came home and I wanted their praise as well - wanted them to be impress with me. Seeking of attention? Desire for being seen as doing something worthy? Who was I doing this for in the first place? Me - I did it...