340: Ranting and Raving on Validation

Validation.

This word has become a positive feedback mechanism wherein we are in this constant search for this illusive point.

The problem is we have separated ourselves from living the word validation - instead of it being an expression of who we are - as validating ourselves; accepting ourselves, substantiating ourselves within who we are and how we live, we instead turn to others, to our outside world and environment to give us this point of validation - to confirm to us that we are okay, we are acceptable, and we belong.

The consequence of this - a human being lacking any real courage to live for self, to do for self, to express for self, instead we are always looking for someone or something to give it to us. This is where Self ForGIVEness comes in. We must give to ourselves that which we seek from others - that is where the gift is, in seeing what we are looking for outside of ourselves and in turn, gifting it back to ourselves through embracing/giving/living it ourselves.

Take an example. When you look in the mirror, what are you seeing? Yourself? Or an image you want others to compliment or take note of? Did you put those clothes on today for you or for how you expect, want, desire others to see you? Is that outfit to validate an image of yourself you want others to see you as? Are you then expressing you or expressing an idea of yourself that you think will be most validated by the outside world?

This is just one way in my life in which I've seen I've sought after validation. In defining myself according to an image of myself, in how I look, I've attempted to gain the optimum feedback from others through how I dress, how my hair is done, how my make-up is done, etc. It is all within a starting point of wanting the best feedback, the most validation. The validation being a point of others validating, for me, an idea of myself that I am holding onto. If I do not get the feedback I expect or intended to get, then would come the possession of self judgment, fear, paranoia even in thinking, "what happened - why am I not being accepted? Why am I not being validated? Why don't people like me, what is wrong with me?" The problem is firstly we did not accept our real selves as the flesh of ourselves, as our physical body as how it exists and how it functions in sustaining our very life, instead we accepted/embraced an idea or image we have of ourselves that we then impose unto our physical body in attempting to mold it to that image we hold of ourselves within our minds that is most likely copied from the outside world; what we've come to see and define as attractive/beautiful/of value/acceptable and then secondly we expect that idea of ourselves that we then want to present to others/the outside world that we 'thought' would give us the best feedback, meaning - would give us the best feeling, the validation that "I am okay, I am accepted, and I belong." When it does not, our creation crumbles and our true intentions are revealed.

There are numerous times within my life wherein I see this word validation and how I have separated from myself from it/living as it in placing it within the hands of others. Wanting approval, wanting to fit in, wanted to be noticed - these are all forms of validation and when in this state of mind/being - one does not then live for or express FOR self. Instead we are constantly living for others, doing for others... well actually, ACTING out our charACTor that I think and believe will GIVE me the most validation from our outside world.

So what can we see from this? If we were to stop separating ourselves from the word validation in thinking and believing it exists outside of us, thinking others are the ones that can provide us with this feeling of security wherein we are validated, then we would start to realize we have never, ever, EVER lived for ourselves. We have never worn clothes simply because it's what I want to wear, because I find it comfortable, or because it expresses a part of me that I want to share with others - instead it is in a shifty starting point wherein we are attempting to quench our thirst for self interest - to be the best, to be the winner, to be better than others, to lift ourselves up, to get our little fix of positive energy. And all it takes is that one statement from another that suggests to us that we are doing something right - then all is well in the world and we feel fine about ourselves.

I can say this point of validation, in seeking it outside of me in the form of my relationships, my actions, my 'image' - I have always sought after a sense of validation in my 'outside world' without ever considering it can exist, or should I say, it does exist here within myself, in my expression, in who I am - it is here yet I have denied it, suppressed it, never bothered to develop it and instead sought after it from others.

Another perspective would be the abuse we are actually acting out within this - in expecting others to do or say something to us that suggest we made a right choice or we are doing the right thing or that we are acceptable and loved... we are using others to fulfill this part of ourselves that we could very well do for ourselves, and yet we don't. We expect it from others. How many times have you found yourself in a relationship wherein you expect a certain remark or statement from your partner that suggest they value you or admire you or that makes you feel good about what your wearing or saying or doing? And how many times have you gotten upset because they did not act in the way in which you expected? And so here the example of how we are in fact using each other for our own self interest, instead of being unconditional with each other; not needing anything, any word from them that would suggest somehow we are better because they said it; not using them for our own personal gain/power or sense of self.

We are more than capable of standing on our own two feet and thus more than capable of developing a self that does not require validation outside of ourselves. The moment you see yourself wanting, wishing, hoping, anticipating or expecting someone to say something about what you are doing that will give you a nice feeling about yourself - know that you are in a state of self interest and not only self abuse, but abuse of others as well.

Let us stop this constant need to use each other to validate our own ideas of ourselves. Because that's the thing - what we are wanting through validation is the acceptance that the self we portray outside of ourselves, in the face of others, is in fact a lie - we are deceiving ourselves because if we cannot stand as who we are, within all that we do, without the feedback as a form of positive reinforcement from others, then we are not being self honest. We are being dishonest with ourselves in accepting the idea that we must get others to sustain an idea of ourselves, that without it, would not stand.

My ranting and raving on the point of validation.

Another point - a consequence of validation... when one constantly seek validation as positive reinforcement outside of oneself in the words and behaviors of another, then we within that are making the statement that we are not good enough and we need another to tell us that we are. Continuing within this pattern eventually leads to an inherent fear that we will no longer get that validation from others. That what we are doing to ourselves in suggesting we are not good enough for ourselves and need others to validate us, we then project unto others and think and believe they too will see us as we are seeing ourselves; not good enough and then we are really fucked because we then cannot move ourselves to express because first, we are not accepting of ourselves, and now we project this unto others in thinking they will not accept us either and slowly but surely we isolate ourselves within our manifested FEAR of not being validated or accepted.

Redefine words in bringing/giving back to self the ability to Live/express Words as who you are - we can LIVE SELF-validation within our thoughts, words and deeds and essentially release ourselves from our own self-created enslavement to others. Check out DIP Lite to learn how to get to know yourself and stand on your own two feet, to no longer need a constant thumbs up and so develop the ability of real self-expression - me being me here in full awareness, without any hidden agenda or secret motive and instead, unconditional within who I am.

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