Kristina's Journey to Life

The following is the corrective statements from yesterday's blog, A Cool Point .  When and as I see myself defining myself as weak, lost, and sad, and to within this, experience a negative energy , in relation to not having a specific purpose/point in my life at the moment, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is a definition in which I’ve given to these words, and how I define this point in my life of not having such a specific point, and that it can be changed in how I define the words and so I commit myself to purify the words within/as me and the words I live through forgiving the polarity/energy charges attached to them, and rather give words a practical reality definition that I can then LIVE, and thus become living words which will support in the expansion and transformation of myself rather than keep me within a point of emotional manipulation where I’m dis-empowered through how I’ve defined the words within a negative energy When and ...

So continuing from the previous blog , there are two points requiring self-forgiveness. In this blog I will address the first point,  Limiting myself within a fear /resistance/avoidance to standing at the ‘higher traffic’ computer stations at work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing at the high traffic computer stations at work within the idea that the more people I will deal with, the more potential for conflict exists I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situations and experiences where I might make a mistake, or where there may be conflict with others, and to within this, allow a resistance to standing in such a position where I will more likely interact with more people I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stand at a computer station at work that was told to me to be the one with lesser traffic of guests, and to within this, want to stand here because within this, thinki...

In yesterday's blog , I wrote about a memory that was an initial moment in my life where I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, based on the actions of my dance instructor - putting me in the back row and misinterpreting this as meaning I was not good enough to be in the front row. What I see more clearly since writing it out is how that has been a major experience throughout my life - always feeling I must and should 'stay in the background', in a way hide out and not make myself visible. The idea of 'stepping up' or 'stepping out' and drawing any kind of attention to myself would trigger self-judgments and this idea that I'm not good enough to be seen, or heard, and so rather stay 'in line' and 'in my place' of being in the back row. This has obvious consequences in my life such as suppressing myself in a moment where I could speak, or act, or share myself and instead I will remain silent and as less noticeable as possi...

While I was searching for an image for my blog yesterday, the one opening up about how I have lived 'insecurity' in my life - I was reminded how much more outflows of insecurity exist then I was actually seeing in writing it out. My experience specifically was in relation to a relationship - wherein I was feeling insecure and as if I was doing something wrong or I was not adequate and this mostly coming from that point already established within myself and so from here, looking for it in a relationship. When that does not provide what one is looking for in such a stance, then the reactions come and the experience of feeling inadequate is seen more clearly. Yet I did not realize the other ways in which accepting myself as 'insecure' played out in my life. I mean - the amount of make up I would wear and the time I would take to 'get ready' before leaving my house, the energy I put into what I would wear - I mean all of these things came from within a sta...

I am going to continue here from the previous blog I wrote, "Opening up Inferiority and Superiority." I wasn't sure if I was going to continue within this point, however I just read a fellow destonian's JTL blog entitled, "The Insecurity System" which addresses some similar points I placed in my previous blog in regards to the starting point of superiority being inferiority and from how within childhood, this experience of self had been conditioned. While reading this blog, I was looking at my own childhood experience and seeing if I could pin point this acceptance of myself as being inferior. Like the moment where I decided I was less than others and from there have slowly but surely created a character to live out as to cover up the real face of my inferiority. The first memory was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her family was rich, herself, her mother and her sister I can recall clearly were so beautiful and everyone seemed to like her. It w...

What I'm going to do here is support myself to write in the moment. A lot of times I come prepared with something to write about - with an idea or point specifically I want to write about, or more so a point I hold onto as to ensure I have 'something' to write about, as another way to get this over with, to make sure I have something so I'm not feeling like I have nothing to offer or.... it's like a long pause here and second guessing myself in this moment, wanting to stop and try something else. Always looking for the best way to place myself as these words, or how can I do something 'better' that will make me more comfortable within how I think I am presenting myself to others and how in turn others will respond/react to me and of course, always wanting the most desirable outcome I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare and present myself as these words in a way that makes me look the best and that will give me the...

Three years ago I was shown a way to stand that is an actual, physical 'standing up' and self directed positioning of self as being here. My shoulders are back and down, my chest is out and I stand, facing my world, walking with one foot in front of the other. When I was first shown this supportive physical stance - there were immediate reactions. It was one of, "I'm sticking my chest out - this is being snobby". Just in this one physical movement of myself, attached were all these mental ideas of 'how' I was standing and walking. And in this, felt like I 'should not' be standing/walking in such a way - almost as if I was inferior to this posture. I have since applied this standing of myself as my physical body . When I become aware that I'm slouching, I stop and I put my shoulders back and down, I stand up straight and I stick my chest out as no longer allowing myself to 'sink' into myself as a way to 'cave into' myself...

A point in relation to judging myself and then suppressing myself in moments of communication where I go into fear of sharing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the considerations or perspective that I have I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid for the considerations or perspective that I have and then within this not want to share myself, not actually wanting to be self honesty about what is going on within me – what is here as me, and instead would rather suppress myself, deny myself in fear of how others will see/perceive/judge me as I have done unto myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what exists within me, as a point of self honesty or simply a perspective I have or a consideration I could make – to judge myself for this and then project it unto another is if they are the ones to do this to me and then to within this suppress mysel...