Kristina's Journey to Life

This is the first time in a couple weeks where I'm at a loss on what to write about. I was in a flow there for awhile - every night having a clear point I could discuss and write about and they mostly flowed, or if taking a little big of self-digging, still was completed and I was satisfied. Though tonight, that is not the case. There are multiple points, and no points at the same time. It's a time when you could easily give in. Or shall I say 'I'. I could easily give in, as the thoughts came up "you could miss a night". After walking 18 days of consistent blogging it seems silly to give up now. Why not rather make the decision to keep moving , keep pushing, stay disciplined within the task at hand. And as I write, clearing some space within me, there is a point here to share. The point of giving in just at the most crucial time. When things are the most difficult, when you think you just can't take anymore of it, when you think you've had just en...

Recently I've been looking at the point of direction. I have no clear cut, obvious , in your face 'point' as far as what I can direct myself towards. Never any 'gifts' or interests specifically, nothing I'm drawn to, or that I find motivation to get involved with. I never really had 'a point' in life, and in a way, I've allowed that to be an excuse for myself to not give myself direction. Because without a specific point that clearly waves the flag of 'come hither... come to me, learn this, do this, embrace and be involved in this' I've rather allowed myself to be consumed by distractions. Whether that be work, movies, tv series, life dramas like gossip and things that don't really matter or nurture any real potential of the life within. In the absence of direction, I've given myself distractions. So it's been an excuse... for a very long time I can see the theme song playing in my head, "I have no point, I have no p...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside/separate from me here as a source from which will give me direction in my life , where I think and believe I require something outside and separate from me here to guide me, to direct me, and tell me ‘what to do’ and ‘how to see this’ thinking and believing I am missing some important information that once I have I will somehow come into a more clearer perspective of ‘what I should do’ when really I was within the experience of “I don’t know what to do’ in the face of challenges, of something I have never faced before, and didn’t know ‘how to proceed’ and thus within this experience of not knowing ‘what to do’ attempt to alleviate this experience of feeling inferior or inadequate or without proper information to take on the challenges before me and so within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept and experience myself as inferior and inadequate and essentially diminished in ...

In my previous blog I was discussing the point of lists and how through writing down all the points I was seeing within me that I wanted to do, wanted to direct, wanted to give attention to, but had not yet done - I found stability and a release from the experience I was having as not being very clear and having all these things mulling around inside of me. And in turn created such an experience throughout my days. So in the list I made, 4 things were laid out for me to face and ultimately give myself direction with. Since writing the list I see another point that is more of a priority than what I had actually written down because it's a point that supports in providing the time required to do the others things from my list. And it's a point that has been cycling throughout my life where I give into the action in an act of self dishonesty - as hiding from myself/not facing myself, in avoiding things, in giving up - not actually moving myself. The point here is napping. ...

Early today I was writing about some reactions I was having as questioning myself from a conversation from the night before. I was bringing the points back to myself where although I was stable in what I was communicating about, I also saw how I was separating myself from some points I was expecting another to give - so here is the SF for that (the 2nd part of this blog is from later in the day, after some realizations in relation to these points): I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations of ‘how’ an agreement /partnership should be walked in comparing my ideas to the reality of our current situation and then be in judgment that we are not walking it ‘right’ and thus judge and blame another as being the reason we are not walking an agreement/partnership ‘right' I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to blame another as the reason I experience myself not walking an agreement/partnership effectively instead of realizing...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on the responsibilities and commitments I have made I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on certain responsibilities and commitments in my life because a new 'focus' has recently opened within my life that I define within my mind as 'better' and thus desire to give it more attention I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point as more than the other things in my life - where I judge things in my life according to the experiences I allow within myself that produce good or bad feelings and so according to this reaction - to an energetic reactions based on definitions and perceptions in my mind - determine what I will give my attention and focus on and within this define some things as responsibility and commitments in my life that I have been walking as not good enough, in producing the 'feel good' feelings that...

An interesting point here opened up and I want to look more at it, within myself. As I was getting into the evenings 'blog share list', I noticed something peculiar move within me. I noticed one being's blog and then another's, connected these two blogs together and according to how I saw/defined them, from there decided I 'wanted' to write a blog. Now, let's take it back a couple hours ago, I had not decided yet if I was going to place/write a blog tonight. I had written and published one earlier in the day, and that one was actually my blog from yesterday - so technically today is a new day and thus a new blog. But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog. One of the points I was considering to write about is this experience I am seeing within me in my ethics class. I am only into ...

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority We will go straight into self forgiveness here: Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within defining two girls in my class as superior to me and thus me as inferior to them, standing in fear of not being 'as cool/equal' to them - from fear move into desire as wanting them to like me and accept so and thus allowing myself to be influenced by them and myself in accepting and allowing myself to make decisions that were not best for all, but only best for me in how I perceived what was bes...

Recently I was supported to look at a point within myself as to whether I was moving me - my-self - or if energy was moving me. I responded with a "how do I know"? And in this, I actually believed that I did not know how to distinguish  between whether I am Here, deciding as me as directive principle of myself, or if energy was moving me. Since then, the point has been quite dominant within me, asking myself, "What is moving me? Is this me moving me? Is this energy moving me?" So really taking a look at who I am in each moment when it comes to making a decision and walking it through into/as the physical as my living actions. What I realize is that I have supported myself with living self movement with the priorities I had determined in my life a few months back and an overall daily schedule that I placed to support me in walking through each point that I see requires my attention daily. I see I am coming to a point where I will be redefining and re-aligning i...