Kristina's Journey to Life

Today I had an interesting experience come up. While I was driving home from my father's house, I noticed this hollowed out, pit in the upper area of my stomach. It was almost like I was punched in the stomach. It wasn't pain like a physical ache, like an upset stomach, or cramps or anything, yet I felt it physically like a hole in my stomach. I did not experience energy anywhere else in my body, except this pit in my stomach. So I looked at it, within myself, to see what it was. I had just eaten dinner, but it wasn't from the food. I asked myself within myself, "what is this," and placde my hand on my stomach. I saw immediately it was guilt. Guilt was manifested as this hollowed out hole in my stomach. So then I looked at what the guilt was specifically in relation to, and I could see it was in relation to my father. And so I asked myself why - why do I experience guilt in relation to my father? The point that came up was within the words he spoke of, ...

Here I am challenging the ideas I've come to accept in relation to 'how' I self investigate within my process as self writing and looking at points/ relationships I have created towards all things in my life/living and expose to myself another form of resistance I've created towards writing and how that is in fact self-sabotaging. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of self investigation as writing in thinking and believing that “I don’t know how to sort out this point” in relation to experiences/ reactions to people and situations in my life instead of seeing /realize/understanding that this is where I then stop and do not go into writing about it but simply accept the idea that I don’t know or can’t figure it out or that it is not clear when clearly this is simply me fucking with me as my mind to ensure I do not find out what is going on and thus apply solutions as self forgiveness and self correction a...