Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing here from the previous posts where I am looking at where I developed this idea that "I'm not good enough' or 'worthy'. Yesterday I laid out the more existential perspective; where it's easy to see how so many can have this view of themselves in a world that seems to not really care - if you don't have the looks, the car, the smarts or basically the money then you are not really considered to be of any worth and are disregarded in the eyes of the system and those that participate. So that is clear in how such a world of ours, where we place the value of life into/as the value of money - how much money you have or don't have and how it influence your life. is a key determinant to how one sees themselves. Even seeing how money is produced and to what extremes one will go to 'make money' - exploiting all types of people just to make a buck and because of that, we have images of what is good enough and worthy bombarding us on a daily ...

A point I see within me recently is this point of self definition. How I define myself according to my physical body - it's shape, size and structure. No - not the practical, physical, functionality of it - the things that matter - but more the 'look' of it. While I have been busy 'perfecting' my body as an image I present to others, I have began to question myself - what the hell am I doing. While I spend so much time 'developing' my body to be in accordance with the look I desire - the shape that I have accepted and defined as 'attractive' and 'beautiful' - I have failed to give any attention or focus onto the being that actually matters - the who I am within every single moment of every single breath I breathe . Is there integrity in such a being that values more the 'look' of the body rather than the physical support of it. I mean who I am within my desire to perfect my body - what are the reasons I am doing this? Wher...

Recently I have been experiencing this point in relation to no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look, and more about ' who I am ' in my day to day living. More specifically in looking at past relationships , I see how I existed on autopilot where I was in no way concerned about who I am as a living being, but only cared about the presentation of myself, the way that I looked, physically... the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks, and I wondered what is it that kept the relationships in my life... What I realize is that I fear it’s been just my looks that have attracted relationships to me and behind that, I have nothing to offer. That is what I have counted on and depended on and only cared about as a way to ‘get through’ life. Looking deeper within this - my fear is that I am unable to be effective in communication and relations with others, that i Have nothing to offer, that all I have valued is the way that I look to 'get wha...

Today I was distracted by my clothes. My shirt kept clinging to me and so I had this experience of being uncomfortable – like I was not satisfied… more specifically, did not feel ‘good’ in regards to how I looked, especially to others, and kept obsessing about my shirt. Also – my hair was not looking ok to me today, and again, was distracted by it… and the whole experience I can see is rooted in this fear of how others see me/desire to be seen as beautiful , or at least attract ive enough to catch someone’s attention. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself away from being here as the breath, as life living self honestly, with thoughts about my clothes not sitting on my body to my satisfaction I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through going into my mind and obsessing about my clothes and how they were being worn on me, and reacting to their ‘staticness’ and relating that to an experience...