Kristina's Journey to Life

So I can see throughout this fulfillment point and how I created a polarity within my life around it - the ultimate point of fulfillment I was looking for and defined a truly life fulfilled was in relationship with another - finding 'the one' as apparently one out of 7 billion people was here specifically for me and once I 'found them' my life would magically fall into place and I would be full and satisfied and start living life. So quite a fuck up as I wasted my life in waiting for this being that never came. Even when I thought they came, and I filled my life with only the relationship, as the only thing I cared about, things did not fall into place, I was not happy and satisfied, I was always in fear, conflict, insecurities. I had placed all of myself into this other being - in a relationship - to determine my life being fulfilled, I become dependent on the relationship and the highs and lows as a way to keep busy with 'what was happening' between u...

Continuing here from the previous blog post, I will walk myself through some self forgiveness and corrective statements as well as commitments I will make for myself in supporting myself to bring myself back to the starting point from which I will move, for/as me/self here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of the priorities within my life because of desire for relationship I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship is more important that that which I can see are priority and important to me in this life , in my life I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to sacrifice that which I want to live in this world just for a relationship with another I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am as the relationship with myself will reflect any relationship I have with another and so I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to...

In the last few months I started to really see a change within me with regards to my daily schedule. I started actually giving myself daily direction in terms of getting to and sorting out and completing what was necessary to be done throughout my day. Some points are daily, wherein I have giving myself the responsibility to walk with a group that requires my equal participation in supporting a message that is best for all. This was priority to me. I have been in school, educating myself within the system to provide myself with the means in which have become necessary to move myself in the system most effectively - that was a priority. Going to class, doing my homework and staying active within my schools community as far as tutoring and interacting with my peers. I have a process that I am walking within all of this - a daily self reflection with writing, self forgiveness and self commitment/corrective statements and application - this was my number one priority. This is the ...

In the last, I would say almost year, I can see just how much I allow myself (and have always allowed myself) to become possessed and obsessed within the energy as desire for relationship. And despite the knowledge that I have regarding relationships, and how they are so effectively reflective of ourselves, I have still attempted and pushed for a relationship with another in many avenues. There was no physical consideration, or direct communication or getting to know someone for real, there was only the energy of desire directing me to ‘get what I want’ because ‘I want it now’. Obviously I missed the key point – LIVING the knowledge, as without the physical living application, knowledge is useless. So while I KNOW that an intimate relationship with myself is the ONLY way to create an intimate relationship with another, I have attempted to ignore this crucial point in search for my self interest. In my search, I have not seen /realized/understood that while I am busy looking ou...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe throughout my Life that I need to be in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is not complete unless I am in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living Life as being in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself and thus seek myself separate from myself here through seeking a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself so much that I did and would not be alone and thus always seek out a potential partner wherein I could hide from myself within the relationship and not have to face the fear I had of being alone - within all of myself here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and thus exist within the starting point of fear when entering a r...