Kristina's Journey to Life

Recently my partner and I had to make a decision I was not at all thrilled about, and in fact, reacted quite extreme to when the suggestion was made. We were in a situation where we had to re-consider some plans that were already in place, and while being in this situation, and looking at the upcoming plans we had in place, we considered it may not work out and we may have to cancel those plans and change direction entirely. And while within me, CLEARLY, I could see the practical reality situation, what would be best for ourselves, and so best for all as we would not be putting ourselves in a compromising situation... we were, in fact, deciding to act in a preventative way, I refused to accept it!! Initially. When we started opening up the discussion about changing plans I basically threw a tantrum. I hated the idea. I hated the fact that that was the option presented to us. I hated that that was in fact what was best, and I made it a point within myself to resist, reject, a...

The other day I had a dream about someone from my past. In the dream, I eagerly went to them to say hello, and see how they have been. I attempted to relate to them by telling them about myself... but what I got from them was nothing. No interest at all - and the way I 'picked up' on the situation it was as if she was not impressed by me. Recently I decided to take more seriously my dreams and my relationships throughout life as a point of self-expansion in getting to know ME... and here is a great example of the very gift of dreams, and relationships. Instead of seeing this girl as someone else within the dream, I instead stand as her. And what I was seeing within her was this point of not being impressed by me... disinterested, and almost like I was wasting her time. So now I have a look... have I done this to others before? Does this point exist within me? I can in fact see it does... many times I've come to judge people oh so fast, and within me the experience ...

What I'm going to do here is support myself to write in the moment. A lot of times I come prepared with something to write about - with an idea or point specifically I want to write about, or more so a point I hold onto as to ensure I have 'something' to write about, as another way to get this over with, to make sure I have something so I'm not feeling like I have nothing to offer or.... it's like a long pause here and second guessing myself in this moment, wanting to stop and try something else. Always looking for the best way to place myself as these words, or how can I do something 'better' that will make me more comfortable within how I think I am presenting myself to others and how in turn others will respond/react to me and of course, always wanting the most desirable outcome I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare and present myself as these words in a way that makes me look the best and that will give me the...

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to want to be agreeable with others  as to not to create conflict or resistance / reactions within them in fear of what might happen I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a submissive role in going with the flow in my interaction with others where I see one ‘as the boss’ and whatever they says goes and do not care to stand as my own authority in fear of how they will react or within believing that this is what I must do – agree and not cause conflict I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the part of the good person where I simply support and agree and make sure not to cause any conflict or reactions within another by simply being who I think they want me to be yet it’s within how I believe I should be in order to create an outcome that I want where they see me a certain way where there is no conflict and I can keep that which I have and that which I still fea...

Continuing here from the self worth points I have been walking. I started with this acceptance within myself where I stated “I am not good enough, not worthy” and saw how easily it is for anyone to come to such a conclusion in a world where money is valued as what is worthy of/in life and the more you have, apparently the more you are – so I saw how in general, how this world is set up in terms of the economic system – the value system being out of whack as it is – produce such ideas within people. However, I also see my responsibility within this – in accepting this point within myself and thus the self forgiveness and self correction application that must be walked. Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series , where I said, “I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another” Alright – well this is a big point for me...

Continuing from yesterday's blog where I write out a point I have been facing that I came face to face with in the form of anger/rage. I recapped the points that I placed in the blog and so here I will take that first line of what I see was the cause/source/origin for the reactions and experiences I have been having the last few days and specifically what triggered the anger and rage within me. "I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and not good enough." I mean this is clear to me that due to this acceptance and allowance as a self definition of 'who I am', I have created all sorts of relationships and play-outs in my life that were perhaps preventable; causing myself unnecessary strife in accepting such an idea about myself and then actually believing if another offer this to me, it would be real and make 'okay' the already established self definition of me. Obviously it can't, it wont and it hasn't. So what I am...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of a moment in allowing a moment to end and a new moment to begin – as a breath, breathing in and breathing out and letting go of what was here but is now gone and so embracing the new moment of what is here I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define some moments as better or more special than others, where depending on what I am doing in a specific moment or who I am with or where I am and how I respond so that moment, in terms of how I react to it as either being positive or negative and thus how I feel about it – not want to let it go – so here defining some moments I share with others as better than when I am alone and thus not wanting to go into the alone moment and instead hold onto the shared moment because within that I define it as positive and fear of it ending I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk each moment as embracing what is here ...

What I have seen throughout my life - and more recently in the past few years - is just how much I think. How there is a thought for every moment of every day. Whether it's a reaction as back chat where I comment on a person, place or thing, or a memory where I transport myself back into time into an experience where I re-play the scene to experience the character I starred as - or into future projection of how I would like to act in ways that get me the most acceptance and validation for the character I decide to suit up in that moment. Yet what is happening in these moments of playing a character - is I am accepting myself as just that - a character I am playing - a role I am fitting into - a structure I am a pillar for for myself and others - to exist in an illusion that we are just creating. And so the key here - WE ARE CREATING. We have not even realized we have created this whole game we are playing - all the roles we accept of ourselves, "I am this.. I am that... I ...

Today I heard, "When you love someone, you accept them for 'who they are"... Even if it is not what is best for them? Even when we see it does not support them or anyone else? Even when we see they are limiting themselves within who they are and how they live? To accept this is to accept the limitation within Life and thus accept the world the way it is... this is what we must stop! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love to be that which accepts another person – regardless of ‘who they are’ and ‘how they are’ without ever asking myself, “is this best for all?” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept love to be an acceptance of another within shortcomings – where we see another is not living to their full potential or capabilities , yet we do nothing to support them to change – we simply say, “love says to accept them the way that they are” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept another within t...

Throughout my life I can see how in every moment of finding a potential partner and actually entering into a relationship - I changed myself. I would wear certain clothes, and stand a certain way - do my hair and make up in a specific way... work out, eat less, and be available to them no matter what. Place myself in a 'less than' position - where I did not consider myself or who I was or why I was changing.. and only regarded my partner - what they wanted, when they wanted me around and making myself completely available for them. No hesitation - as I did not care for myself - I only cared for me being in a relationship, as I have discovered that Life to me was defined through having a relationship. If I 'had someone', I believed I was living. Obviously I was not as I changed who I was in attempt to impress and keep that person around. In a constant state of fear of not being good enough and thus trying to be perfect, through how I pictured perfection in the Mind to ...

Today is my 8th day writing of within the Process of the 7 years Journey to Life - and the point I wanted to touch on was 'writing for me - living for me'. And first before I begin - what's fascinating that I just noticed.. is that when writing physically the number 8 - how I write it, I start at a point, and loop around until I end up back at the same point I started. This I can see is where I wanted to go within my writing. I start with myself in that these words are produced from me... then I go on a journey throughout myself and my mind and attempt to do things for others, like writing and my participating - yet I am always brought back to myself. To self - to where I begin - to see where I started from - the origin. In general this is what this Process is about - getting back to where we started from - the darkness from which we emerged. While we have been busy 'out there' in our minds of projected realities - we are busy walking ourselves back to the beginnin...