Kristina's Journey to Life

Recently I saw myself faced with a fear of 'going at it alone'. In a group setting, it can be scary standing out, drawing attention to yourself, and be willing to share some new ideas. For me, it was a need for others to agree, as to validate what I could see I could do - thinking I needed others to do it too. But of course, we are all alone. We are alone within ourselves and the direction we take, and the decisions we make. To lead or to follow. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to ask other's permission to start projects I see worth starting I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must get other's approval before I can carry on with something I see worth carrying on with I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go against the consensus of others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to tell me it's okay...

So I got my first blog done yesterday - the hardest step... starting. And then I committed to 30 days of blogging, lol. It seems to be perfect timing. I have the time available, and it's always 'here' in terms of being aware that it's something I can do for myself - daily. There are points of fear , of realizing I will face similar points of judgments , towards myself and projected unto others towards me. Then there's the matter of what to write about... I've mostly taken the approach to just share what is here, since part of me fears being "exposed" (can read my very first Journey to Life blog on that point), I should rather face and walk through the fear and expose myself.. giving direction to myself rather than allowing that point to fester, and grow until it influence me to remain silent. However, since my blog yesterday, the point that keeps coming up is 'what to write about'. Like wanting a topic already secured and in pla...

I notice that for most things I do, I have a judgment and/or fear towards it. It could be something I do in self-honesty, or in a point of self-sabotage – the experience remain the same, I am fear of being judged for it. I’ve noticed this has always been my experience, for as long as I can remember. If I wanted to play with a particular toy, or wanted some special kind of food, anytime I would ‘help myself’ to what I wanted – I was in a point of fear… fear I would be caught, or what I was doing was bad, and I would be punished. This is still existent within me when I notice certain things I do only when I’m home alone… if others are around, I avoid doing it. Now of course the judgment towards the behavior changes in degree. Some thing I do, like say I’m in a point of wanting to distract myself with TV series or movies rather than other more important things, I will go into judgment and assume another is judging me as well as doing something ‘bad’. And I realize this is a point ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this worry that I am being a caring person I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed worry to exist within and as me as a negative energy experience I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed worry to become an emotional experience within me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I worry about others I am actually somehow assisting and supporting them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on other peoples lives within the experience of worry in thinking and believing that somehow my worry will cause a reaction within another and will create some kind of solution for them - somehow justifying or validating the experience of worry within me as being something that will somehow, in someway benefit others I forgive myself that I have accepted an...

I’m becoming aware of this experience/reactions I have been having. It came up in what I wrote about yesterday about not trusting myself, what I see and standing by that without questioning myself or second guessing myself. I see this also in relation to communication I have been having a lot recently of with a family member. Where her feedback is that of gratitude and excitement as asking questions and wanting perspective about things, walking into her own process of self discovery and change – as she has seen the process I have been walking and in that the proof of the tools I apply from which I have been supported with from the Desteni group. But in this – I see myself ‘second guessing myself’ and questioning myself within our communication. Almost like saying, “I don’t know what I am talking about – I have no right to share these words with her – I have not lived this/these words/these applications absolutely” and it’s like a fear of saying things I should not be saying, or...

Early today I was writing about some reactions I was having as questioning myself from a conversation from the night before. I was bringing the points back to myself where although I was stable in what I was communicating about, I also saw how I was separating myself from some points I was expecting another to give - so here is the SF for that (the 2nd part of this blog is from later in the day, after some realizations in relation to these points): I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations of ‘how’ an agreement /partnership should be walked in comparing my ideas to the reality of our current situation and then be in judgment that we are not walking it ‘right’ and thus judge and blame another as being the reason we are not walking an agreement/partnership ‘right' I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to blame another as the reason I experience myself not walking an agreement/partnership effectively instead of realizing...

Here I will share the self corrective statements in relation to yesterday's blog : When and as I see myself reacting to 'new points' that emerge within my day that I might not have been expecting or that I committed to in a past moment yet do not actually want to walk through those points because of an idea I have created within my mind as the image of my 'to do' list of things I would like to get done, I stop and I breathe and I  bring myself back to the moment of myself as self direction within self movement and allow myself to be with the moment and the points that are 'here' and do not allow myself to react as I see/realize/understand that within reacting to my physical reality and points and commitments and responsibilities that are necessary to address/get done/walk through in the moment, I am separating myself from what is 'actually here' and instead attempting and trying to hold onto an image within my mind of a list of other things I wan...

Continuing here in the series I have been walking, laying out myself in the memories I found that fueled this point of fear of being bullied - realizing that I was the bully I am now fearing. You can start from the beginning in the first blog here . So will continue applying the self forgiveness for the accepted and allowed self I was in this memory with the following points: *This is not in the memory/written out, but as I write here, I see there was sadness within me for what I had just done, that I could do that to another being, that I could do that to my friend, and ultimately I knew it was dishonest, but my fear of not being accepted and thus desiring to be accepted was stronger then my concern for her and so I suppressed the sadness I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my own fear and desire and self interest to become more than what I accepted and defined myself as, as being inferior to two girls in my class, decide to take action against ...

This is a continuation from yesterday's blog, Day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance. Before I go deeper and specific into the points that I opened within that particular blog, I want to address a statement I made in the same blog: "hmmm, I wonder where I got that idea?" -This was referring to how I saw within/throughout my life that I felt I 'needed' to wear make-up and so in this statement, I am asking where I would have accepted this belief, yet within this I can see some blame and within myself, as I was typing the words , I saw myself see my parents as an image as well as media and entertainment/celebrities within my mind. So I will take responsibility for this as I see/realize/understand that no one is to blame for what I, My-SELF, accept and allow within/as myself in this life . I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when typing the words, "hmmm, I wonder where I got that idea?", in regards to thinking and belie...