Kristina's Journey to Life

  May 6, 2020 A point here of nearing my bedtime but having so much I still want to do. I then react to myself not getting to everything but refuse to consider staying up later to get to all the things due to a fear of being tired in the morning. Where's the directive principle, am I right? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and anxious when I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do as an expectation I put onto myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure if I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do instead of considering the practical reality of what I am able to do rather then what I want to do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time it takes something to do as a point of blaming it for taking “too much time” and keeping me from doing the other things I want to do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame oth...

A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation ... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through...

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance. So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and ...

Yesterday I noticed some emotion come up in relation to the last few blogs - this relationship towards my body, and the points I've been sharing on it - feeling a bit like I've shared 'too much' and in a way blame towards myself for 'making it a big deal'. It's like when you put the focus on it the way I have in dedicating the past few blogs to it, you are shedding a lot of light on something you've for awhile kept in the dark and in doing so, one could sabotage oneself to keep it in the dark by thinking "you shouldn't share that" and "you're making it a bigger problem than it is." It's like the focus of my attention doesn't want to be the actual focus because in that focus, all is seen, or at least that's the process. To see it all because in that seeing, that awareness , one can understand it and ultimately change it. And so the reaction of "it's too much attention on this one, little point" is...

I have for long believed when there are conflicts or disagreements with others, you just simply don't talk about it - at least not the real stuff...  I have in moments of conflict or argument gone silent - sometimes for day, and then after some time simply engage with the person again yet without speaking of what had happened. To me this is suppression, and does not nurture real relationships . We must be able to address what happened, what is going on, deal with it, forgive it, and let it go... we must become solution-oriented people, and that starts with being willing to face and acknowledge the issues, and not run away from them, pretend they don't exists, and hope they will just go away I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid communication with others when there has been a disagreement or conflict I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress the play-outs of conflict with others, and after not talking for aw...

An interesting point came up this evening while at work. It was a very busy night, and I was there later than usual, so I would be getting home much later than usual. I still had my blog for today due, and while I took a moment and realized the time, and the blog still needed to be written, I had the back chat come up of, "you could always skip it and start over." There was a bit of energy attached to it, because I 'trusted' it in a way - like I, for that moment it came up, allowed myself to actually consider it. - I entertained the idea The next moment however I knew I would not give in, I would write the blog, and stick to this commitment , so I stopped my participation in that idea. What is interesting is that even 28 days into this process of creating a new habit of daily blogging, there is still a part of me, as revealed in the back chat. that wants to give excuses as to why I don't follow through. This has been a situation I've allowed many times...

This is the first time in a couple weeks where I'm at a loss on what to write about. I was in a flow there for awhile - every night having a clear point I could discuss and write about and they mostly flowed, or if taking a little big of self-digging, still was completed and I was satisfied. Though tonight, that is not the case. There are multiple points, and no points at the same time. It's a time when you could easily give in. Or shall I say 'I'. I could easily give in, as the thoughts came up "you could miss a night". After walking 18 days of consistent blogging it seems silly to give up now. Why not rather make the decision to keep moving , keep pushing, stay disciplined within the task at hand. And as I write, clearing some space within me, there is a point here to share. The point of giving in just at the most crucial time. When things are the most difficult, when you think you just can't take anymore of it, when you think you've had just en...

So I got my first blog done yesterday - the hardest step... starting. And then I committed to 30 days of blogging, lol. It seems to be perfect timing. I have the time available, and it's always 'here' in terms of being aware that it's something I can do for myself - daily. There are points of fear , of realizing I will face similar points of judgments , towards myself and projected unto others towards me. Then there's the matter of what to write about... I've mostly taken the approach to just share what is here, since part of me fears being "exposed" (can read my very first Journey to Life blog on that point), I should rather face and walk through the fear and expose myself.. giving direction to myself rather than allowing that point to fester, and grow until it influence me to remain silent. However, since my blog yesterday, the point that keeps coming up is 'what to write about'. Like wanting a topic already secured and in pla...

Today I was looking at what to write my blog about – or generally a point I could reflect on from the day. Again this thought , “I don’t have anything to write about.” Though that is a statement I no longer trust , and what I could see in that moment was one of the reasons it could possibly exist – that statement of “I have nothing to write about” is because of one’s presence throughout the day. Today I was not my most effective in terms of breathing, being aware of myself in each moment, I was more ‘going through the motions’ of the day. And I can see how from this, one wouldn’t have anything to write about because one wasn’t present in their day – they were not aware of the thoughts or reactions that come up, as they are just set to auto pilot, automatically running, and so not self-aware of what is going on in such a moment. So yes – one wouldn’t have the points to write about, because again, simply put, one wasn’t actually ‘here’ in their day. So that is quite interesting… i...

Recently I was supported to see how much desire motivates me in specific aspects of my life . When I was shown this, although I have seen it specifically throughout this last year, I could not relate as from my perspective, I had been 'working on it' and was seeing the thought patterns and behavior that was coming from this desire energy. So when I heard this again, it was like a cool cross-reference that I was in fact working with the point that requires my attention, yet at the same time , it was like 'not a point' as something that I felt was coming up as much any more, so it was like I 'thought' I had a grip on it. Until it gripped me last night and found myself possessed by this desire energy. After the fact, I realized I had just a first hand look/experience into the extent of this desire energy and how I've allowed it in my life and how it in fact plays out not in just one aspect of my life, in which I was seeing it - but it in fact influences me i...