Kristina's Journey to Life

***This is another blog taken from my own writing before and in relation to my trip to NY Monday, November 18th, 2013 Today a pimple is emerging on the left side of my face, right outside of my lips and it’s swollen a bit which I have had this same point emerge before. When I saw it, I reacted to it and thought “Oh no – not while I’m on camera” and I imagined it would get bigger and I would look foolish and not attractive on television. I then imagined my face breaking out and not ‘feeling’ good about the interview and in this fear my experience would become unstable and not be able to effectively communicate within the interview. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a pimple growing on my face and within this fear it will only get bigger and it will be apparent on television and then within this feared others judging me as I've judged myself as not looking good with the pimple I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ...

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication. The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘ good looking ’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement I forgive myself ...