Kristina's Journey to Life

  I was looking at the word STABLE as a living word , how to express it, how to live it, how I've come to abdicate my ability to be/live the word stable, and some very cool points opened up and came through.  What I can see creates instability within/as me is when/as I accept and allow myself to exist within/as and participate within/as the Mind as reactions. When I have a thought of judgment or opinion about someone or something, or myself, or some circumstance within the polarity of what is "right" or what is "wrong" - that is when I accept and allow myself to live/be unstable.  I change - one moment I am one thing/expression and then, according to what someone says or does or how they behave or if something happens or doesn't happen, then I have a reaction - I have an idea or thought about it that is based on emotions that is based on a "right/wrong" perspective.  True stability as a living expression is the Physical. The Body. The Earth, the P...

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance. So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and ...

Distractions. That is a point I'm continuing with and going to look at the various ways I've distracted myself as a way to not face myself, to not be here but to simply entertain myself, constantly looking for a form of reward. The reward is usually as positive energy, feeling, experiences, ect - but it's not just a looking for this - it is an attempt to hide from something, to avoid something, to postpone something, to run away from something. Simply put it is an act of fear, fear of facing self and the responsibility I have in this World - of who I am and what I have created and so, what I accept and allow. So first distraction I see I use within my life for this point of deliberate avoidance/escapism is obviously - the mind. The Mind as memories and fantasies and images and desires and future projections. It could be a wish of some potential outcome to play out or a past conversation I've had with someone. Usually when I'm allowing such a point of distract...

In continuing from yesterdays post , the first thing that I see required attention from looking it over was this point of 'where I was' when coming to the intersection where I required to make a left hand turn. What I see is that the last week, as I said in the previous blog, was a lot of things coming up within my mind that I have allowed myself to be distracted by and not utilize the tool and even responsibility I have to breathe - always bringing myself back to/as awareness within breathing because what I can see from this point of 'where I was' or 'have been' in the last week is within my mind and thus not breathing. And so 'losing touch' with actual, physical reality which is where self awareness exists. So in this moment I laid out for myself yesterday, it's clear my first mistake was not being disciplined in my application of breathing. I did not consider the normal way of how to proceed when one is in the middle of the intersection to...

Today while I was driving home from having breakfast with my dad - I was coming up to a left turn I had to make, with the turn light blinking yellow. I yielded and waited for the oncoming cars to pass so that it was clear for me to go. As I was in the intersection, the yellow flashing light turned solid and then turned red. Usually in such a moment, one would go ahead and make the turn, since I was already in the middle of the intersection. Yet for me - in this moment, I wanted to back up. I looked behind me and started to reverse. The notion of going ahead with the turn didn't even come into my awareness . Instead it was like I was in the way now of other cars and I had to move. While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was li...

The other day I made a decision based on a resistance. I had made a commitment to do something, but as the time approached for me to do this particular thing, I started to have back chats coming up, tempting me away from doing it and in this, attempting to justify why I was right to not do it. In this moment, I knew I was facing a resistance - a fear even - and I knew the solution or correction to apply in order to support myself. I knew that if I gave in to this resistance, I would later regret it. I saw the irrationality of my thoughts and the ideas coming up in my mind attempting to persuade me from doing that which I had already committed to doing. And so in that moment of seeing all these thoughts and ideas coming up into my mind, I wondered what I would do. I saw I could easily walk through the point - meaning - not give into the resistance and fears I was having; although they were coming up, I saw the energy attached to it that usually determine the experience within such th...

Here the self corrective statements and commitment in relation to my previous blog post: When and as I see myself reacting toward another's words, expression or behavior in relation to feeling unworthy or not good enough, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, back to my body, back to where real worth exists as who I am as the physical, as life and so I breathe within seeing/realizing/understanding that the reaction is in separating myself from the relationship with me - the relationship I have within my own self worth and indicate I am not yet giving/living self worth as who I am here and so I commit myself to stop looking for worth outside of myself here, outside of the very breath I breathe and commit to realizing that real worth as who I am is defined and determined in every moment of breath, every thought, word, deed and as who I am in this life, how I live, what principles I stand by - those are the real determining factors of self worth and thus I com...

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have. Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself. I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment. Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have ...

A Fall is not a Failure - this is a process of Self Perfection - Perfecting ourselves as we Go. We walk, we fall, we stand, we make mistakes, we learn - we do it until we get it right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within my commitment in not taking a nap for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure because I fell on taking a nap today I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my habit to napping as something easy I should be able to stop and to within this define myself as useless in not being able to do just an easy thing as stopping naps for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this of myself, in building myself up as being so ‘good’ in stopping a habit yet not being able to actually walk the physical commitment of stopping – creating myself within a high of superiority and then having to prove myself that I am not by fall...

Here I am going to open up some of the points I have been facing in relation to time. For the first blog in this series I am having a look at a memory from when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I can recall clearly sitting at my desk and looking at a round clock on the wall and being puzzled as to what it 'said'. Around this time we were "learning" to "tell time". This means that we were learning the hands on the clock and how to read what time it was. This was my first introduction to the concept of time, as far as I know or from what I can currently remember. I can recall the experience of myself within this time of my life - lol. I was frustrated. Frustrated because I did not grasp right away how to 'tell time.' It did not click right away and I recall it being a struggle for me to finally grasp the ability to be able to read time. Obviously one can look at a clock that display the numbers on it and it clearly tells you the 'time' of day...