271: Stuck in the Mind

Today while I was driving home from having breakfast with my dad - I was coming up to a left turn I had to make, with the turn light blinking yellow. I yielded and waited for the oncoming cars to pass so that it was clear for me to go. As I was in the intersection, the yellow flashing light turned solid and then turned red. Usually in such a moment, one would go ahead and make the turn, since I was already in the middle of the intersection. Yet for me - in this moment, I wanted to back up. I looked behind me and started to reverse. The notion of going ahead with the turn didn't even come into my awareness. Instead it was like I was in the way now of other cars and I had to move.

While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinking she thought I was dumb and stupid and imagined her making a comment or having her own reactions about me and what just happened.

I then realized I missed the usual movement one would make in such a situation - when the yellow light turns red, and you are in the intersection - you make the turn. And then after realizing this, I wanted to cry. It was like an accumulation of an overall experience I've been having the last few days where it's like I feel like I am not stable and missing so many things and losing touch with my awareness. This moment triggered the reaction within me of feeling stupid and dumb and it was like how could I miss such a simple point.

The emotions started to rise and it was like I wanted to release all the tension I had been building up within me the last few days.... but it was not a supportive release as "I am letting this go now," it was more of a, "what the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i do anything right, why are things so hard for me," and so more like a giving up on myself experience. The point to breathe came up while I saw this emotion/energy rising within my solar plexus and into my chest - slowly filling my body until it made it's way to my eyes and came out as tears. But instead, I breathed. And in that moment, realized I have not been supporting myself effectively with this application - of stopping and breathing. The mind has been busy and I have been busy reacting to the mind-business - when all the while I could have been breathing.

So I breathed as I merged onto the highway and saw the energy slowly dissipate. And I calmed myself, and I breathed and I focused on my driving. I brought myself out of the mind, out of the reaction - and back to breath. And I was grateful in that moment and saw how supportive it was and can be in moments where I feel completely overwhelmed and even lost in a way. I realize I am only lost in the mind and my reactions exist only in my mind. I am reacting to my thoughts and imaginations and back chats - and in this separating myself from the moment as here as breath as life as this actual physical reality. This act of separation is so destructive on self and I saw that clearly today. How much I have been allowing the reactions to fester and grow within my mind, accumulating to a point where it's like I cannot even speak about my experience without wanting to cry.

So that is the point for tonight - seeing how easily I can support myself to stop giving into emotions as energy within the mind, take back control and slow myself down in bringing myself back to breath in not going into the energy as reaction. Stopping even the smallest of thought that pops up and instead trust the breath.

It's interesting how after 4 years of walking this process of stopping the mind and breathing and writing and applying self forgiveness and corrective application - how much I still trust and believe in the experience I see I create for myself as emotions as energy. How much I trust the things coming up in my mind - how much I think what I see in my mind and the reactions that follow them are real. How quickly I forget to breath and not give the power I have HERE, in a moment, as a breath, to STOP the self-created experience and take back the authority to find out what is going on and how to support myself to see what it is I am doing, as what I am accepting and allowing.

Will continue this investigating in the next blog

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