Kristina's Journey to Life

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change. My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement. The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo...

I have a tendency of reacting to my partner when he seems to be facing difficult points within himself - where he's dissatisfied with aspects of his life, where he resists getting up in the mornings, where we are not similar in terms of how he approaches his days. I seem to have more of an optimistic viewpoint and he can be a bit more pessimistic. And so when I see he is in such an experience of resistance towards his life, I find I take it personally. I make it personal. I think it's because he's dissatisfied with me or that somehow I'm doing something wrong , or somehow I can make it better. And here is where I have had the tendency to think I must change to make him feel better, or I have to be the solution to his problem. I then put the responsibility he has within himself in how he relates to his world on my shoulders. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see my partner is dissatisfied with his life in thinking ...

In the last couple months, I have been making it a point to write everyday, or at least every couple days. Writing has been a consistent resistance I've experienced throughout my process, and well frankly it was causing consequences within myself, and so in my life. How you ask? Well with writing, it's a point of reflecting on who I am within my day to day living - introspecting and asking questions about why I do what I do, or where the thoughts I think come from - better understanding myself and how I function, and ultimately it's about taking self-responsibility for who I am. I wasn't doing that. I was projecting a lot of blame, victimizing myself in relation to others and life circumstances, and essentially wallowing in self-pity. To me this was a consequence I was creating through not taking self-responsibility for myself through writing. So I decided to start, and like I said, it's something I've been consistently working on the past couple of month...