Kristina's Journey to Life

Last week I was placed into a position I did not expect, and in a way resisted for quite some time. Someone close to me was going through some problems and I was one of the main people in their life to 'pick up the slack' in a way - to step in and take responsibility for aspects of this person's life that they were no more able to do anything about as their situation left them immobile for the time being. I started writing about this situation immediately and my experience within me and I saw this statement within me of "Why should I help?" Fueling this statement was another statement of, "they would never support me like this." And when facing this within myself through my writing, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was existing in this statement within a point of spite - I deliberately did not want to assist this being simply because I didn't see them capable of supporting me in the same manner, or that they wouldn't, simply be...

Today I came face to face with a moment as a reaction towards another; their actions and movements and in this moment, the self corrective statements I have told myself that I will live as the application of change, came through and immediately, through the reaction, saw the responsibility I had towards 'what' I was seeing in another. What was interesting however, was once I had this reaction and then the the real truth of what I was seeing - as the ME that I have allowed myself to exist within and as, as it was reflected back to me in the mirror of another, I somewhat reacted to the realization of my responsibility - like seeing more of the reality of the responsibility I must take and have not necessarily taken as I have held onto resentments and judgments towards other's behaviors, so it was like this experience of "Fuck - this is actually me I am seeing, my responsibility - it's not about her, it's about me - fuck, I am that which I see" lol - it wa...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions So here I will continue onto the Physical Dimension of this moment wherein I reacted physically, changed my physical body, movement, experience all because of the movement that was happening within/as me as my mind. So this is a point revealing how we have enslaved our physical bodies/reality to our internal reality/the mind - wherein depending upon what is going on 'up there' in our heads, we will actually change ourselves to act accordingly - thus this begs the question: Who's in control? What are the forces forcing us to ...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head Here the Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitment Statements for the back chats dimensions identified in the previous blog: When and as I see myself participating in the automatic reaction of back chats in my mind, where I begin conversing with myself about a situation or another, I stop and I breath e, bringing myself out of my mind and back here into/as reality that is real as the physical and no longer accept and allow the participation within back chats/internal conversations as I see/realize/understand that to 'back chat' within my mind is in separation of what is actually real and is always within the nature of blame, judgment and not considering another as my equal and thus I commit myself to push myself to stop my participa...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Here I will walk the self forgiveness for each dimensions found in this situation, starting with the back chats: “Why can’t she let the dogs out herself” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment of A asking if I would let the dogs out, respond within my secret mind as back chat as a reaction to her words with, “Why can’t she let the dogs out herself” and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A’s words of asking me to let the dogs out as an automatic response within my mind, instead of breathing here and remaining stable and not allowing my internal reality to react to what is happening in physical reality, as the internal reality participation as back chat is not real, the physical reality is I forgive...

This is a continuation of Day 122- Walking Through a Moment of Irritation part 1 and Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 . Please read for context. Now that I have the memories associated to this experience – I will identify the other components or dimensions existent within this situation. Specifically what I am doing is looking at "who I was" in this moment I have written out - looking at what was going on "inside of me" in that moment, such as what was I thinking, how I was feeling and what kind of experiences did I have. This will thus support me to see where self forgiveness is required, as I was not directive in the moment of/as myself, but instead directed by my mind; the thoughts , memories, feelings/emotions and experiences, thus allowing myself to be a slave, a reaction, instead of response.able - being here, present, stable - where I respond to the moment within self honesty , without resentments from the past or hidden grudges that I have no...

This is a continuation from  Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritations part 2 The next day, after I saw myself react to A – I saw the polarity personality in relation to her. A became ill and was in bed all day with stomach problems. A then developed a fever. While I was at work, and not at home with A, she was texting me asking if she should be worried because she had a fever of almost 102. This is where I then experienced emotion of fear and worry for A and began thinking about no one being there for her and wanting to go home and take care of her. Fear of A being older and her body unable to support her in this illness/dis-ease she was experiencing. I was afraid for A, afraid for myself, fear of losing A and being without her. So quite the opposite experience in relation to/toward A then I had experienced in the previous day. So looking back on the day before, where I reacted with emotions (negative experience) towards A: Within this is how I have experienced...

A point of reacting towards another and through the accumulation of continue to accept the reactions of another, creating resistance towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on their words and actions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments about another based on their actions and words and within this project future play-outs of them stealing from me and to within this validate the thoughts as fears of them stealing from me within believing and accepting them to be true, accepting and validating the judgments I have towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility within judging another for ‘who they are’ and what I have observed within their actions and words, as a way to ‘blame’ them for the way that I experience myself in relation to them – within not trusting them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to p...

Here I am walking myself through self forgiveness of the situation I laid out in writing yesterday, so read for context . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘standing up’ for myself as myself when in positions of authority and responsibility I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acting in ways that are best for all such as being responsible and accountable for positions of leadership, wherein I have been given authority to be a leader and set an example, and fall short within fearing how others will see me and fear them judging me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good with being an authorative figure I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good at standing up for myself within positions of responsibility and leadership I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conne...