Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing here from the self worth points I have been walking. I started with this acceptance within myself where I stated “I am not good enough, not worthy” and saw how easily it is for anyone to come to such a conclusion in a world where money is valued as what is worthy of/in life and the more you have, apparently the more you are – so I saw how in general, how this world is set up in terms of the economic system – the value system being out of whack as it is – produce such ideas within people. However, I also see my responsibility within this – in accepting this point within myself and thus the self forgiveness and self correction application that must be walked. Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series , where I said, “I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another” Alright – well this is a big point for me...

Art By:  Javier Ideami I experienced a surge of energy as the emotions of loneliness when ending the chat with another. In that moment I felt lonely – alone and there was slight fear. I watched the ' design of loneliness’ portal interview as a way to support myself in seeing what is actually going on. It is an idea within my mind that I have created and reacting to as being lonely The experience is that of not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to be alone with myself. Feeling lonely. I can say that I have always had this experience throughout my life – the experience of being alone /lonely. But I never really faced it, and can see how I created ways in which to always have people around me. And in the interview it also said that the Mind feeds off of relationships with others, a partnership to hide from this loneliness, or to sustain even this loneliness because in our not facing/standing as it – the loneliness that I in fact am, I am suppressing it – yet still allowin...

So I can see throughout this fulfillment point and how I created a polarity within my life around it - the ultimate point of fulfillment I was looking for and defined a truly life fulfilled was in relationship with another - finding 'the one' as apparently one out of 7 billion people was here specifically for me and once I 'found them' my life would magically fall into place and I would be full and satisfied and start living life. So quite a fuck up as I wasted my life in waiting for this being that never came. Even when I thought they came, and I filled my life with only the relationship, as the only thing I cared about, things did not fall into place, I was not happy and satisfied, I was always in fear, conflict, insecurities. I had placed all of myself into this other being - in a relationship - to determine my life being fulfilled, I become dependent on the relationship and the highs and lows as a way to keep busy with 'what was happening' between u...

I will be continuing with the points I have been walking in terms of looking at who I have been as this polarity play out of living/not living fulfillment. (You can see the start of this dis-covering  process of this point from the first blog here ) Where a few years ago I defined myself within a negative experience of 'not doing anything' in terms of actions or responsibilities or giving myself opportunities to grow in my reality and myself and thus believed I was not living a fulfilled life and then how I have come to live out the polarity experience of filling my days with many many responsibilities, that I define myself within a positive experience of being fulfilled, when in reality - within all of this - I am simply trying to fill up the emptiness - the negative - I experience as me. And because I did not establish who I am as self fulfilled, I am not able to walk constant and stable within the responsibilities I take on as they are not giving to me what I am expectin...

Here I am continuing from yesterday's blog where I opened up this point I see I am wanting to correct or adjust in my life. The point was balance and how throughout my life I have been very unbalanced, where I put all of myself into just one point in my life and do not pay much attention to anything else - and this is where I see my addictive personality come into play because it's like I consume myself within just one point and completely disregard what else is here, just as REALITY - like every thing that exists here within me and as me and around me - like my physical reality and all the things that allow one to live, practical reality points that require my direction and attention. Obviously it's different for some, whereas we will take on different points of responsibilities - yet I can see for myself where I have been walking quite a cool process with myself this last year in really zeroing in on 'how' I want to live, which is determined by ' who I am ...

So while in communication with another recently, I saw an 'easiness' to it where it just flowed, and I was here and could be open and expressive and in that enjoyed myself with/as another. Then we communicated again, and I saw something shift, something change. I know it wasn't the 'other' - it was me - it's always me I see. Because according to how I placed/defined the first communication - placing it on a pedestal within a positive polarity charge - when the communication happened again, I had something to compare it to - created then an expectation and thus did not 'live up' to the initial judgment of it. I went into a negative experience within/as myself and I saw what was creating. Me - me within thoughts and fears and uncertainty and assumptions ; interpreting another's words according to my own mental filters and so within this stops me from being here, in/as my communication, unconditional, and instead go into my thinking and wondering...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe throughout my Life that I need to be in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is not complete unless I am in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living Life as being in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself and thus seek myself separate from myself here through seeking a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself so much that I did and would not be alone and thus always seek out a potential partner wherein I could hide from myself within the relationship and not have to face the fear I had of being alone - within all of myself here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and thus exist within the starting point of fear when entering a r...