Kristina's Journey to Life

Art By: The Human Wreckage I have been facing major resistances the past few weeks - and only this week did I realize it was actually a resistance within me towards pretty much everything I've been doing and creating in my life. Initially, I was looking for the reason I felt unmotivated, disinterested, and overall lethargic... looking for a reaction that was influencing me in this way and in my experience. Then my partner offered a bit of insight as basically, I am resisting everything I've been busy with as my process of self-creation. I am no stranger to resistance, yet it's been a while since I've experienced it. I did not see it like that initially. And now that I have, I realize there is much I can do because I've worked with resistance before. Not sure if ever to this degree, but I've dealt/faced and walked through it on multiple occasions. And so here I am again, facing another wall, a seemingly infinite wall I cannot fathom something existing b...

A couple blogs ago I opened up this point of defining myself according to what I do, or don't do. I also addressed this within self-forgiveness for the positive aspect - wherein I define myself as good/ right /positive when I do more. Which clearly means nothing - you can do a whole lot of stuff, but if who you are inside is not aligned to what is best for all/yourself... then it really doesn't matter. So for tonight, I will take a look at the negative aspect of this point... when I do less, I feel less about myself. Okay, here we go: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I don't do in a day - defining myself as less than the less that I do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I do or don't do in the day, and if I don't push to my utmost potential , and do more, feel inferior and shitty about myself - suggesting that what I do determines who I am , rather t...

Putting a pause just for a moment on yesterday's blog, to address another point that came up today. Will continue from the previous writings tomorrow... Today, and for some time, I've noticed this point within me of, what I would call laziness because I had not yet done too much investigation on it. But digger deeper, I would say it has more to do than just laziness - while that's a dimensions of it, there is also some definitions that cause a problem I see. When I have to do anything such as work, or what I define as work/ responsibility , I want to take short cuts. Like for example, I've been doings some cleaning at my place of work while we are currently closed for the slow season. I wanted to leave at a certain time because apparently only a couple of hours of cleaning is what I can handle. There were only a few chairs left to clean, but I still wanted to just leave rather than take the extra time to finish the job up. I did end up staying, because I could see a...

Today I did not want to move physically. I had been up for a couple hours, doing the normal morning routine, and it was time to move onto the ‘afternoon activities’, and I found myself in a state of tiredness and feeling lethargic . Based on this experience, I didn’t want go do much, and definitely did not want to go with my partner to his suggested activity for the day. Though I agreed. And of course, as soon as I got up, started moving physically, and was out and about, that experience of being tired and not wanting to do anything was gone. This is often the case, and shows how you cannot always trust your experience. What you can trust, and should more focus on, is the physical actions… that shows you what is real. If I would have got up, and out and was moving myself, and the experience was still there, then perhaps it’s something to investigate more. Though when you move yourself, and that seemingly real experience of being tired and sloth-like just poof, disappears, then it ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when having accumulated things to take care of, in moments of not pushing through a resistance, and thus allowed myself to put it off for another moment/later time go into the character of “I will get ALL of this done on this day” wherein I go into my mind and make a list of all the things I will be able to do on a more suitable day where I am not having to run around the city to work or school and thus believe I will then get all the stuff I have accumulated done, and within this creating an energetic experience of myself of “feeling good” wherein I give myself approval for telling myself I will do all this stuff and then feel good about the idea of doing all this stuff – when in reality I have not physically lived it and thus proving that the mental reality is an illusion that has no impact on physical reality I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of positivity with...

Day 72 – Sept 8th 2012 Today I worked and did not want to be there and when the chance came for me to go home early – I took it. Without considering the fact that I require to work in order to have money and the more money I have in this world – the more I am able to move and get shit done. So – it was not in the best interest of me/all to go home early – yet I allowed laziness to take over and ‘gave in’ to the point of ‘not wanting to work’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when given the opportunity to go home early, react immediately with a yes, without taking a moment to actually consider the reality of the situation and consider the fact that while I am in school, I am not working as much, and without money, I cannot do much, like survive – and thus was not considering what was best in that moment of deciding to go home early, only was ‘feeling’ and ‘experiencing’ laziness and tiredness and decided based on this self-created experience to go home...