636: Resistance

Art By: The Human Wreckage

I have been facing major resistances the past few weeks - and only this week did I realize it was actually a resistance within me towards pretty much everything I've been doing and creating in my life. Initially, I was looking for the reason I felt unmotivated, disinterested, and overall lethargic... looking for a reaction that was influencing me in this way and in my experience. Then my partner offered a bit of insight as basically, I am resisting everything I've been busy with as my process of self-creation.

I am no stranger to resistance, yet it's been a while since I've experienced it. I did not see it like that initially. And now that I have, I realize there is much I can do because I've worked with resistance before. Not sure if ever to this degree, but I've dealt/faced and walked through it on multiple occasions. And so here I am again, facing another wall, a seemingly infinite wall I cannot fathom something existing beyond. Though I know that is not real, and like every wall I've experienced within myself, this too can come down.

In the most heavy duty direct way, I can walk through it - do exactly that which I'm resisting, which there is quite a list currently. More gently, I can walk through it in writing and self-forgiveness to create that foundation as a new script within myself, the new story, the new author writing the new chapter and then from there, I can move. I have always gone the direct way, diving in the deep end, and I've only begun to see recently the importance of being gentle, taking my time with things and giving myself the proper space to do it right.

So I will start here by saying I am facing a massive fucking resistance to my life and it has immobilized me. But I am not disempowered as I see the power I do have to move on from it. While the wall seems high, and the challenge impenetrable, I know there's a way with my will. And even in writing these words and acknowledging this is here I am making the decision to change directions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist that which I've been busy creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking actions that normally I apply that support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot possibly move from this resistance because I see already the influence it's had over me to stop me dead in my tracks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a moment in those moments of resistance, where I think I don't have the energy to do the simplest of things to rather take some breaths and slow myself down and to see the opportunity I do actually have to make a decision for myself, and not from the resistance to direct myself in what I do and don't do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this resistance within me as something so much more than what I've ever experienced instead of realizing that all the resistances I've walked through and learned from can support me here and now within this current resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance and not do even the simplest of things that will support in starting to move myself to at least face the direction of walking through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe resistances are a dead end and I must stop and turn around instead of realizing the extent of the defenses of my mind and programming that I have installed within me to ensure I do not move beyond what was conditioned of me and to ensure I do not move to become a self-responsible, self-honest, self-created co-creator within this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the resistance towards my life and in that, become inactive which then creates consequences in other areas of my life where I was meant to move and didn't and thus created a snowball effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe resistances are more than me instead of realizing that I am one and equal to/as the resistance as what I'm currently accepting and allowing within myself - in stopping in the face of a resistance, I am saying the resistance can stop me and direct me and so that is what I'm accepting of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need something motivating me to move me, to create me, to make decisions

When and as I see myself going into resistance within my life, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that a resistance implies a change, a threshold I must walk through and past to step beyond my conditioning and programming and to step into a point of self-creation and so I am exactly where I want to be and so I commit myself to work with this resistance so that I can walk through this resistance and get to the other side and thus take full advantage of the gift the resistance actually is in showing me where I'm able to expand

I commit myself to see the resistance as a gift of self-expansion

I commit myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application in moments of resistance to support myself to start moving in the right direction as walking through the resistance

I commit myself to not turn away from the resistance as beleiving it is a dead end and instead take the stand to walk through

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