640: Fear of An Unforgiving World
I fear I will be labeled a racist, that I am hateful and that I see others less than myself. That I am the epitome of a white woman who is ignorant and blind in this world.
I realize I wouldn't fear this if I didn't actually live this to some degree, but I think more importantly to focus on is the fact that I fear the world being unforgiving to me - unwilling to let go of who I was and embrace who I am doing my best to become. So the question is - am I STILL unforgiving to myself or others? I'm I still unwilling to let go of who I was, and who others were? Am I embracing who I am doing my best to become? Am I embracing others unconditionally?
Interestingly enough the one point I see where I am not - where I am not yet forgiving, where I'm still not understanding, where I'm still not letting go and defining others according to who they were is within the same area that I also did a similar blog post on... Family.
As tight-knit and close my family has been throughout my life, I still see a lot of dysfunctions within me in relation to my family. A lot of hurt feelings, a lot of blame, a lot of judgments, a lot of anger. Have you ever had a dream where you were so outraged with someone you were screaming and yelling, exerting all of yourself, all of your emotions at another person? Where this force was coming out from within all of yourself and out of you towards this other person? I have had this dream more than a few times where the focus of my anger was members of my family.
Now while I see, realize, and understand my family is not the actual source of my anger or frustrations, or the cause of this emotion stirring and coming out of me within such velocity in my dreams... they are in fact an aspect of myself but what I have yet to do is absolutely and unconditionally forgive myself in relation to my family, and the actual unit of my family, each individual, and as a whole.
There have been moments here and there throughout the years and throughout my process where I've kind of, somewhat addressed some of the deeper issues I see I still have with my family. But I know in reality, in self-honesty, I've been resisting it. I've held onto the past and what has been done and I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go and embrace who each one is as their unique expression and the gifts they were actually to me within my life. Why? Because I have focused so much on the negative. I have not seen the acts of redemption or reasons to forgive.
And just like me fearing the world will never forgive me for what I've accepted and allowed, I have not allowed myself to forgive the world, like my family, for what we accepted and allowed.
So here's to the next layer and phase of this journey. Facing, embracing, forgiving and changing me in relation to my family. Of course, the timing of this is perfect as the Living Word chosen for me this week is Family so this is where I can start. In the next blog... Who have I been in relation to family?
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