620: What LIES behind the Conscious Mind? (25 of 30)

The first time in this 30-day journey that I had the thought come up "I don't know what to write about." This is a familiar saying I've faced throughout the years I've been blogging, but the first time in a long time. Though I'm not surprised, because it's the first time in a long time I've been consistent with it, or rather directing myself to create consistency with it.

So I had the thought and immediately realized what's behind the thought, which was a first. A deeper layer of understanding of what I'm actually saying to myself. What I'm actually saying is I am not wanting to investigate anything within myself... I am not wanting to introspect and question moments of my day and who I was or the relationship I have to certain things. So "I don't know what to write about" is the smoke screen, the truth is I don't want to question myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the things I tell myself within my mind, such as "I have nothing to write about" is just a smoke screen for a deeper truth of me which is I don't want to investigate, introspect, or question who I am within myself and within this world and with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself I don't have anything to write about so that I don't have to investigate, introspect or question myself and to conveniently have such an excuse to not push through a limit/resistance/belief about myself and what I'm actually capable of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is acceptable to live with the statement that I don't have anything to write about = I don't want to investigate/introspect/question myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with the statement "I don't have anything to write about" instead of looking at what it is I am actually resisting and not wanting to face within myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within only my conscious mind where I'm not aware of anything deeper than that such as what lies behind the lies I tell myself, such as not having anything to write about, knowing there is multi-layers to the mind, to the construct of self, that has been built upon years of thought, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am self-honest within my conscious mind and trust the thoughts I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop in an instant the thought that suggests I have nothing to write about comes up when I realize there are layers upon layers to deconstruct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the moments as my thoughts, words, and deed when I start to accumulate this resistance to writing/self-introspecting/investigating/questioning myself as I see, realize, and understand it did not happen in just a moment, it has been slowly building through my acceptances and allowance

When and as I see myself telling myself thinking I have nothing to write about, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is not the reality of what I'm actually saying to myself, this is me not being direct with myself because I see, realize, and understand that the truth is I don't want to investigate/introspect or question myself... I want to keep things on the surface where I don't have to dive deeper and face the hidden stuff and so I commit myself to continue to push through this resistance to daily maintenance as daily writing/self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements and to not accept the lies I tell myself and to rather see what lies beneath as the deeper levels of myself and my mind

When and as I see myself resisting and hiding from self-investigation/introspection/questioning, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that resistances are where I want to be as it is a self-imposed limitation I am able to break through if I were to only allow it and so I commit myself to embrace the resistances and move myself to act despite it - to do in fact that which I resist, such as taking some extra time to ensure I am digging deeper within my writings, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements

I commit myself to not deceive myself in thinking there is nothing to write about and instead be self-honest about what I'm actually saying and to direct myself to live that self-honesty in correcting it

I commit myself to care enough about myself to investigate myself, introspect and question myself

I commit myself to see the deeper layers of me

I commit myself to not give up on digging deeper to understand who and how I've created myself to be

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