632: The Illusion of Inner Strength

Today I listened to part 1 of a 6-part series about "inner strength" from Eqafe. I could absolutely relate to the recording as how I have in MANY moments throughout my life denied, lied, and suppressed how I actually experienced/felt in a moment just to "save face" as showing a presence of strength... because I have come to define my emotional experiences/reactions as a weakness.

Presently I see this mostly with my partner, where there will be a subtle reaction/conflict between us and as per usual, we will ask each other about it, and if my partner asks me if I reacted, I will say no as to appear stable. And this really bothers me because I know first hand how important it is to have a partner willing to be self-honest as a point of cross-referencing for you what you are seeing/looking at/experiencing yourself and if they deny in a moment what they are really experience, it can fuck with your ability to be able to see... So he will see a reaction within me, and in my denial, I am not allowing him to strengthen his ability to see/access what is actually 'here'.

So this is a point definitely requiring some work... suppression in general has been a key theme throughout my life. It's almost as if I've suppressed my emotions so much throughout my life, it feels as if I am not able to actually define my emotions when they come up, because I never really gave myself the acceptance and space to get to know what I'm experiencing, I've always just quickly stuffed it down, down, down.

And so as I'm getting my toes wet with more sounding self-forgiveness, I realize there's an opportunity to get to know myself more as my emotions and feelings as energy - because that is the purpose of sounding self-forgiveness, to MOVE the energy into substance.  To substantiate the energy we've extracted from the body for the purpose of the mind as feelings and emotions. Sounding self-forgiveness is like giving the energy back to the body - putting it back into the physical.

A little sharing here on what I'm currently working with... the first point of support in sounding the self-forgiveness was this Atlantean's interview about the Illusion of Inner Strength. And that is no stranger to me. So I will be walking this series for the next little bit, actually applying the suggestions and tools shared in the recording. The first one being to give myself a couple days to see if/when this pattern comes up of denying/lying about who I am in a moment as what I'm actually experiencing and wanting to show some kind of strength when internally, there is movement going on, there is not stability... that is the first task.

I will share my findings as I go. For now, some self-forgiveness on the initial points I can see I've accepted and allowed as the illusion of inner strength...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny/lie/suppress myself in moments when I have a reaction and when my partner asks me about it, pretend it didn't happen as a means to present myself as more stable and strong than I really am or feel in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest in EVERY moment I react and my partner asks me about it as making sure I am supporting not only myself in NOT suppressing what I'm experiencing but to also support him in his ability to SEE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to suppress myself in moments of a reaction and present myself as strong and stable as if that is better instead of realizing this belief/thought is based on the definition that to have a reaction is to be weak and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me reacting as being weak and fear others seeing this weakness within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist so much as ego that I would rather suppress my real experience such as having a reaction so that I can maintain an image of being strong and stable instead of humbling myself and letting go of the self-image I try to exalt and support myself for real to get real and face that which I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having a reaction as resisting being weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define weakness within a polarity where weakness is a negative, and strong is a positive and to attempt to suppress the negative and portray the positive instead of realizing I can't have one without the other and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to DROP the energy polarity and rather get to a point of REAL stability that is not moved by energy in motion but rather self-directed with/as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have a reaction and to revert to an automatic program of lying about how I actually feel/experience myself instead of fighting for self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as weak as being vulnerable because I don't trust others in my vulnerable state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself because I think I cannot trust others instead of realizing I can be here for me and that I don't have to fear others because I got me

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's acceptable to lie/deny/suppress myself in a moment of a reaction when my partner asks if I did react instead of being willing to face that reaction as actually getting to the SOURCE of the reaction as realizing that when I react and suppress, I ignore and avoid the opportunity I have to see who I am as that reaction, to understand why I reacted, and to be able to correct myself in relation to what I reacted to in order to ONCE AND FOR ALL, stop and change the reaction

When and as I see myself denying/lying/suppressing myself in moments of a reaction, especially when my partner asks me about it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this automatic pattern is built within me on the foundation that to react is to be weak and that I must present a strong/stable image, which is not a sound argument as it is existent within a false belief and definition and so I commit myself to in these moments drop the ego, embrace my reaction, and become vulnerable to who I really am in that moment as the reaction to support myself to get to know myself as the reaction, understand why I reacted, where it comes from, and how I can change it and to simultaneously support my partner in his seeing of what is here as me

I commit myself to drop the idea that to react is to be weak and rather be humble as living real strength

I commit myself to stop the ego of the mind that would rather present a false image of strength and create real strength as the principles(pillar) of self-honesty

I commit myself to get real with myself about how I experience myself in moments

I commit myself to stop suppressing and start embracing

I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself as my emotions and feelings

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