Kristina's Journey to Life

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have. Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself. I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment. Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/experience myself as happy when communication goes well with another that I place a positive judgment on it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the experience I have after communicating with another goes as I would define ‘well’ where there was comfortability and easy conversations – as being ‘good’ and positive and to then feel ‘good’ and ‘positive’ and so within this think this experience is me being stable I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my experience according to how communication goes with others I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the points of conflict come up in communication with others where I fear the experiences I have had in the past moments of instability and uncertainty I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a relationship with another I forg...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on the responsibilities and commitments I have made I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on certain responsibilities and commitments in my life because a new 'focus' has recently opened within my life that I define within my mind as 'better' and thus desire to give it more attention I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point as more than the other things in my life - where I judge things in my life according to the experiences I allow within myself that produce good or bad feelings and so according to this reaction - to an energetic reactions based on definitions and perceptions in my mind - determine what I will give my attention and focus on and within this define some things as responsibility and commitments in my life that I have been walking as not good enough, in producing the 'feel good' feelings that...

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st. Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me. I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation. My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed...

This blog is continuing specifically from yesterdays blog , where I started the self forgiveness process in relation to the physical dimensions identified within a memory I started walking through lots of blogs ago - the original in the series you can see here . Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within my body through the acceptance and allowance of myself within this moment of facing Cristina as 'dumping her' - through fearing of having to actually face her, for having to actually face the decision I was making and within the starting point from which I was moving as self interest - and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the physical experience...

Ok - so here I will walk the self corrective statements and commitments I will live in regards to the self forgiveness that I wrote out here . When and as I see myself attempting and trying to find things 'to do', outside and separate from me here, such as responsibilities and projects and actions- I stop and I breathe and I check myself within the starting point as I see/realize/understand that if I am attempting to fulfill myself as I fill my days with 'things' to do - then I am separating myself from the word fulfillment and adding a positive charge/experience to it and so I commit myself to equalize myself within/as the word fulfillment, in bringing myself back to physical reality and out of the mind where I generate positive and negative experiences in relation to how I have defined the word fulfillment - I commit myself to walk fulfillment as who I am here, as I fill myself with/as the breath of life and that which is of actual physical substance - that wh...

I am continuing here specifically from yesterday's blog where I went into the polarity play out of who I am within the word 'fulfillment' as how I defined myself/the word within/as it. This is also a blog in sequence from almost a week ago, which you can see here , where I began writing myself to freedom - to see what what here in terms of what I was identifying as behavior in my life that I was not satisfied with or saw that I could improve. The blog yesterday specifically, I identified the positive charge I gave the word 'fulfillment' and how I defined it, saw it was within self interest and even superiority and also could see the consequences I created from living in separation of the word and so here I will just begin writing self forgiveness for the positive charge I gave the word and continue with it in blogs to come. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word fulfillment to be in separation of me here within gi...

I will be continuing with the points I have been walking in terms of looking at who I have been as this polarity play out of living/not living fulfillment. (You can see the start of this dis-covering  process of this point from the first blog here ) Where a few years ago I defined myself within a negative experience of 'not doing anything' in terms of actions or responsibilities or giving myself opportunities to grow in my reality and myself and thus believed I was not living a fulfilled life and then how I have come to live out the polarity experience of filling my days with many many responsibilities, that I define myself within a positive experience of being fulfilled, when in reality - within all of this - I am simply trying to fill up the emptiness - the negative - I experience as me. And because I did not establish who I am as self fulfilled, I am not able to walk constant and stable within the responsibilities I take on as they are not giving to me what I am expectin...

Continuing on the 21 day breathing challenge and the process in general in the last few days, where I have really tested in terms of who I am in each moment of each day and how/when I use breathing, I have really seen some shit behind the picture. Overall I have expressed myself to be a 'positive' person, where besides the fact that I believed thinking/acting only positive would create this in my world and reality - in general my general expression outwards has been positive, where people say, "you always see the bright side." And yes, I do see how I do that, go to see the positive of something. But what I have come to see in the last few days, with going to the aboslute extreme of positivity within my mind, is the negative that is fueling this whole point. The addiction I go into attempting to seek/gain/posses the positive feelings that I thrive off of are coming straight out of absolute hell I inflict on myself internally. I don't know if I would ha...

So in yesterday's blog I was faced with the polarity-relationship I have created within breathing. What I saw is how I am defining 'breathing' as a good thing or with a positive charge, and 'not breathing' as a bad thing or with a negative charge. And so living out this acceptance, when I am 'not breathing', I go into this negative experience for/as myself where I judge myself as bad, and not doing something right and so in essence I am in judgment of myself according to how I defined/ accepted /allowed the action of not breathing to be a negative thing. And the same for the positive definition - where I define breathing as a good thing, something I 'should' be doing and so I accept a positive experience for myself when I see that I am breathing. What it comes down to though is that breathing is simply a physical action, it is a physical statement of who I am - and thus does not require or need the polarity definition I have giving it to be ...