Kristina's Journey to Life

  January 17, 2021 Tonight my partner asked me to assist him with a drawing he was doing - I was to be the model posing for him so he had a subject to draw.  I really did not want to do it. I had worked all day, I was tired, we just finished eating... I just wanted to do "my stuff" for a while. I didn't like the idea of sitting there and not being able to look at something or read something... basically, I wanted to be able to "do" something while I was sitting there but really he just needed me to sit there.  I did it despite really not wanting to do it. I dragged my feet all the way to his studio.  Once I sat down I realized what a wonderful opportunity I had before me to sit and just breathe. BREATHING is what I could do. And it was awesome because I have been listening to an Eqafe bundle about breathing so it was the perfect moment to allow me to do just that... breathe.  I learned many, many years ago about the importance of breath, with the most simple po...

January 15, 2021 - For those that don't know, I'm pregnant! As I write I am just about 27 weeks pregnant and just about to enter into the third trimester. I have been sharing weekly pregnancy updates since probably week 7 - with all the various changes one goes through, mentally/emotionally and physically. Today I just recorded my week 24-26 update and noticed a clear difference in my experience.  First of all it took 3 attempts to get the recording... I tried out some new lighting in my partner's studio that I didn't like so I decided to record again in my normal spot in the house. We got a new mic situation but I forgot to turn it on so there was no audio on the 15 minute recording. Finally, I got the third recording done, in the spot I wanted to record in, with the new audio working and as I uploaded the video to my computer to start the editing process... I hated what I saw. A dimly lit, "fat and ugly" me.  I am not as eager to share this recording. I will...

Following up from yesterday's blog , I was talking about this point of walking, and how I've come to walk quite fast in my life . I can see this has been developed through the type of work I do, yet it had spilled over into my every day life , when I'm simply out and about walking around - I am speeding. So I can see that walking fast has a purpose in a specific context, but I am interested in seeing who I am as slowing down within my walking. As I mentioned, I will share my findings and experiences as I apply it, for now though, self-forgiveness on the lack of questioning and self-direction when walking: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fast walk without awareness - without ever questioning it but simply allowing a habit to take over apparently without my directive decision I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down when walking when there is no purpose to walk fast, except to automatically live out habits fr...

Distractions. That is a point I'm continuing with and going to look at the various ways I've distracted myself as a way to not face myself, to not be here but to simply entertain myself, constantly looking for a form of reward. The reward is usually as positive energy, feeling, experiences, ect - but it's not just a looking for this - it is an attempt to hide from something, to avoid something, to postpone something, to run away from something. Simply put it is an act of fear, fear of facing self and the responsibility I have in this World - of who I am and what I have created and so, what I accept and allow. So first distraction I see I use within my life for this point of deliberate avoidance/escapism is obviously - the mind. The Mind as memories and fantasies and images and desires and future projections. It could be a wish of some potential outcome to play out or a past conversation I've had with someone. Usually when I'm allowing such a point of distract...

Today I woke up with the breathing challenge on my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up first thing in the morning in/as thoughts instead of breathing as a point of establishing myself back into reality, fully awake, here and ready to direct myself within/as my day I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with thoughts of fear about what the day lay ahead for me, as the challenge that I am taking on and that I will not be able to do it and I will see just how much I am a failure and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure before I had even begun and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thoughts that tell me I am a failure before I even begin instead of simply seeing, breathing in, stopping/clearing the thoughts and breath out, establishing and affirming to myself who I am and what I will and will not accept and al...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions So here I will continue onto the Physical Dimension of this moment wherein I reacted physically, changed my physical body, movement, experience all because of the movement that was happening within/as me as my mind. So this is a point revealing how we have enslaved our physical bodies/reality to our internal reality/the mind - wherein depending upon what is going on 'up there' in our heads, we will actually change ourselves to act accordingly - thus this begs the question: Who's in control? What are the forces forcing us to ...

A fear of death came up within me when having to go through some medical procedures I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with in fear anytime I have a physical pain or discomfort I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical body as experiencing myself as inferior to it as at any moment something could manifest within and as my physical body that could end my life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer living instead of realizing I have never lived, as I have never been here, as I have always existed within my mind separate from the actual physical reality, and thus the fear I see is a fear of losing my mind – the internal reality as thoughts and internal conversations and personalities and characters and memories and self definitions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the ...

Self forgiveness for reacting to another's words that I could relate to within my experience and the attempt to be special I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to another's words about that I believed were in relation to me, judging myself based on their words as if I was being dishonest I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as special within separation from life through seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire special skills such as being able to see others auras and energies as a way to be special and different from others, instead of being equal with all as one as me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects when I loosen my gaze to be me seeing auras and energies and within this feel special that I was able to see things others were not seeing I forgive myself for ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost within my my internal world when leave my home wherein I lose my effectiveness to remain breathing I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define breathing aa a difficult application while outside of my home – where I am amongst people and things and stimulation I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself tobeleive that outside of my home where I am among people and many stimulations – that I cannot remain breathing and not push myself to remains as the breath as I walk throughout my day, no matter where I am I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my external reality and environment for causing stimulation that distracts me from my breath - instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment as life - to walk self honesty as who I really as as Life = the breath I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as life as the breath whe...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a victim within the pain of a head ache I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim to my physical pain as a head ache instead of seeing it as physical support in showing me what I have accepted and allowed through thinking myself into separation I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak within the physical pain of a headache. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience as weak within this experience of a head ache I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am unable to support myself within releasing myself from this physical pain I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing pain as I have not yet allowed myself to support myself within releasing myself from the physical pain I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within limitation as the ...

Here is a response I made to a youtube user sharing the perspective that, although he agrees with the Point of Equality - he did not agree with, what he claims to be what desteni says, "the Mind is the Enemy" Here is what he wrote: Hey You're a great person, thanks for being my friend. Just wanted to share my perspective on Desteni with you and see what you think. I stumbled upon videos made by Desteni Productions about a year ago and I was really intrigued. They have some very unique perspectives. They stumbled upon some interesting information, but I'm not sure they know what they have stumbled upon or how to work with it properly. I like that they bring everything back to the Self. It's true: everything is about the Self. So, that's a correct/true point that Desteni makes. They also stand for Equality for All, which is great. Equality is an important point. I admire them for that. However, one of Desteni's main points is to negate or "bypas...