Showing posts from April, 2012

Day 14 - Changing myself to be in a Relationship

Throughout my life I can see how in every moment of finding a potential partner and actually entering into a relationship - I changed myself. I would wear certain clothes, and stand a certain way - do my hair and make up in a specific way... work out, eat less, and be available to them no matter what. Place myself in a 'less than' position - where I did not consider myself or who I was or why I was changing.. and only regarded my partner - what they wanted, when they wanted me around and making myself completely available for them. No hesitation - as I did not care for myself - I only cared for me being in a relationship, as I have discovered that Life to me was defined through having a relationship. If I 'had someone', I believed I was living.

Obviously I was not as I changed who I was in attempt to impress and keep that person around. In a constant state of fear of not being good enough and thus trying to be perfect, through how I pictured perfection in the Mind to b…

Day 13 -Asking for God's Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is a power greater than myself that will forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in god as a power greater than myself as the only being in existence that can forgive me

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that unless I can forgive myself no one, including such a god, could forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect another, such as a god, to forgive me when I have not yet forgiven myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea that there is a god that will forgive me for allowing abuse and hate and separation to exist within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgments and hate and abuse to/towards others in this reality and use the excuse that god forgives me as a way to not take responsibility for who I am and what I participate as an allowance of my nature

I forgiv…

Day 12 - Believing I Need to be in a Relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe throughout my Life that I need to be in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is not complete unless I am in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living Life as being in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself and thus seek myself separate from myself here through seeking a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself so much that I did and would not be alone and thus always seek out a potential partner wherein I could hide from myself within the relationship and not have to face the fear I had of being alone - within all of myself here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and thus exist within the starting point of fear when entering a relationsh…

Day 11 - The Beauty System Demon's attempt at Defense

Yesterday while I just got out of the shower and was getting ready for work. My mom ran in to use the bathroom. I am busy brushing my teeth and about to ask her a question when she says, ‘god you smell so gross. It smells like an old man in here – it’s so disgusting, it’s because you don’t use anything’

I reacted to this by turning around and walking away and saying, ‘shut up, don’t talk to me’. I was about to go up to my room – but realized I was still brushing my teeth so when into the kitchen to use the sink.

I was reacted heavily to this – and within myself I was saying, “how dare she. I don’t use any products because I use to place so much value on them – and now I am showing myself that I can live without them’ I went into anger and blame ‘for she’s the one that values the beauty system including products used to change the way that we smell into “acceptable” ways.

She attempted to apologize – but I didn’t want to hear it. I was so angry at her for being a bitch. That’s what…

Day 10 - Life is not Polarized

Excuses to not do what I have committed myself to do.

Last night I came home from work with a headache. The headache is a similar pain I Have had before - and I know it's from thinking - from existing within ego and participating in the energy of 'highs and lows' wherein I use energy to move me and direct me in my world. After allow the positive energy to fuel me and I move and take many actions - I end up cycling back to the low so that the equation may balance itself out - and thus end up 'feeling' like not doing anything. And again - allow this energetic emotion direct me as energy that fuels me to not do anything.

So last night I could have written for myself - yet I 'chose' not to - as I was giving myself all sorts of excuses such as 'I'm in too much pain' and 'I don't feel like it'

These are the moments I require to allow myself to realize the gift of SELF - MOVEMENT - wherein I do not require energy as thoughts and feelings…

Day 9 - I'mPRESSing Myself on You

Today I started a veggie garden. I have been wanting to do this for over a year now - and so throughout the winter I was researching various sites and videos to gain perspective on how to actually do this. Simple enough. So today was the day I 'got it done'.

I now have a small garden box in my back yard with carrot seeds, and green beans, and tomatoes, and bell peppers, and scallions. Something small just to start me out.

We do not have the ideal back yard space for a garden - so I built a garden box. I found some random slabs of wood in the garage and threw myself together a garden box. Within myself - I felt proud. Proud of myself for getting this done. For being inventive in improving with materials and actually constructing a garden box. Then - family members came home and I wanted their praise as well - wanted them to be impress with me.

Seeking of attention? Desire for being seen as doing something worthy? Who was I doing this for in the first place?

Me - I did it for…

Day 8 - Existing For Others

Today is my 8th day writing of within the Process of the 7 years Journey to Life - and the point I wanted to touch on was 'writing for me - living for me'. And first before I begin - what's fascinating that I just noticed.. is that when writing physically the number 8 - how I write it, I start at a point, and loop around until I end up back at the same point I started. This I can see is where I wanted to go within my writing. I start with myself in that these words are produced from me... then I go on a journey throughout myself and my mind and attempt to do things for others, like writing and my participating - yet I am always brought back to myself. To self - to where I begin - to see where I started from - the origin. In general this is what this Process is about - getting back to where we started from - the darkness from which we emerged. While we have been busy 'out there' in our minds of projected realities - we are busy walking ourselves back to the beginnin…

Day 7 -The Gift of the Relfection

What I have always in a sense known within myself - but can only now see it oh so clear - is that all thoughts - all feelings - all emotions within ourselves as our Minds as the experience we accept of ourselves to be Real - are always in All Ways about ourselves.

This has always been knowledge within myself that I could understand - yet since walking the Desteni I Process - and more specifically now walking the Agreement Course - I can see to what extent we have projected ourselves/separated ourselves from ourselves in always making everything about another person. "It's THEIR fault... THEY do this... THEY do that... THEY are the reason I am experiencing this - because of THEM and what THEY do..."

And what I can see within this - is the Gift. The Gift of giving back to ourselves that which we have given away - ourselves. Through abdicating such responsibility of ourselves to another - through blaming or making our focus point about 'them' and that 'they'…

Day 6 - "There is no Forgiveness..."

"There is no Forgiveness... there is only SELF Forgiveness"

I have heard this statement before and only now I realize what it means.

I was having reactions within myself to day in relation to a family member and the point I found myself participating within was, "He doesn't deserve my forgiveness" and the experience of regret for allowing him the opportunity to hurt me. Within this - my ego was bruised as I felt I made a mistake and was very much in blame of him and his actions and reactions towards me wherein I attempted to uplift myself as superior to him - and as a way to protect myself - within believe I have the power to forgive him or not. I was also unclear within myself about this point and what was actually goin on within me - not clear where my self honesty was and where my deception as ego was.

So the one point I can take/see within this is... I am not able to forgive anyone until I have forgiven myself. As to forgiven another is to claim to have p…

2012: Dipping into Anger for lack of Attending to Self


I find in moments when I am alone at home doing work – my can Ollie will come to me and seek affection. He will sit and stare at me until I give him attention. If I do not – he will meow and meow and meow until I give him attention.

In these moments – I find myself – not always – but have seen some moments – I become very irritated and angry – I become annoyed with him. And within this – within myself, I blame him as being needy and annoying and I wonder why he can’t just leave me alone. I find that’s it’s a burden to have to give him attention in those moments – I just want him to go away and stop his meowing. I tell him I don’t have time to stop what I’m doing.

He is very persistent in that he will not give up – If I am not giving him attention – he will walk over me – he will walk in front of the computer – if I move him away from me – he will come right back – over over me, and meow until he gets what he wants.

I can see perhaps this is reflecting to me – my cat is…

Day 5 - Life is not a Race - Slow Down

Day 5

Tonight while I am wanting to go to bed - I have this point within me of "I have to get this done" as well a resistance to completing it. This 'it' is writing here. And what I see within the point of either going to bed and doing a blog tomorrow vs getting one done tonight - is this point of like I am in a race. Not wanting to skip a day because that will get me 'behind' - and wanting to be 'in the lead'.

What a fuck Up - Life is Not a Race. This Process of EQUALITY is not a race. I stop this Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a race -wherein I have to be 'ahead of the game'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the starting point of competition - where I have to be better, be more, be ahead and be the example - wherein I separate myself from all as me not even realizing this point and process is about Equality - Equalizing myself as All within realizing we are in fac…

Day 4 - Responsible for Change - within and without

So today I saw a very tricky pattern - a deceptive pattern of the Mind as a way to exist within resistance to change and avoiding myself in self honesty and self responsibility.

This Pattern is "I don't have nothing to change"

This reveals itself in thoughts such as, "I am stable today - I have been breathing - I am not possessed by anything"

LOL - when the mere statement within secrecy of my Mind PROVES that there is Change/Correction required Here. Within this point as the Mind of experience - I didn't want to write today - I didn't want to share or expose anything - as if I want to present myself as Perfect. If I were perfect - this world would not be showing to me currently what it is. People in my reality would not be showing me what they do - I would not exist in thoughts within my Mind where only I exist and separate myself from this One Reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to change

I forgive m…