Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing on with the series of blogs I have been walking with the support of the Eqafe interview by the Atlanteans, 'Giving Up' - here I am going into the second interview in the series titled, "Giving Up: Understanding." The first part in this interview was looking at the trust and faith we give to our minds, specifically the back chats, or voices in our head that basically tell us who we are and how we 'should' react to something. We define ourselves so much as our minds, we never stop and question whether that is in fact who we are. Of course we don't question it, because we have accepted it as part of ourselves, we are 'thinking beings', we follow the thoughts in our mind, we trust the words we speak to ourselves, and we don't for a minute think that maybe there is something beyond that, or within that that is the real essence of our beingness - our presence. So the following self-forgiveness is specifically for this acceptan...

Here I am challenging the ideas I've come to accept in relation to 'how' I self investigate within my process as self writing and looking at points/ relationships I have created towards all things in my life/living and expose to myself another form of resistance I've created towards writing and how that is in fact self-sabotaging. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of self investigation as writing in thinking and believing that “I don’t know how to sort out this point” in relation to experiences/ reactions to people and situations in my life instead of seeing /realize/understanding that this is where I then stop and do not go into writing about it but simply accept the idea that I don’t know or can’t figure it out or that it is not clear when clearly this is simply me fucking with me as my mind to ensure I do not find out what is going on and thus apply solutions as self forgiveness and self correction a...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of 'I just don't want to do it' in relation to blogging and self supportive writing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up in self supportive writing and blogging the moment I have a resistance towards it and my back chat tells me so - trusting in the experience instead of realizing the moment as the opportunity I have here to actually push through at the moment where I want to give up the most, realizing this is the point of change, as becoming self directive and no longer taking direction from the mind as back chats that I allow to produce an energetic experience I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself all sorts of excuses and justifications as to why I do not 'have to' place a blog tonight - instead of seeing within self honesty that I am avoiding the point of facing myself, of changing myself, of actual...

I have opened up this point - of finding out I am the bully that I feared - and while I am busy walking through it - I see thoughts and back chats coming up as reactions to it - not wanting to 'do it' - or complete it - like just wanting to 'free write' about my day or not give myself direction basically in actually sorting out what is here as the memories I have placed - as the whole personality I have developed that is still existing within me of being a bully - so it's like I see this point as "too big" and will take many blogs to complete and yes, so not wanting to actually direct myself, commit myself to actually walk through what I have allowed myself to see. This is not cool because obviously it's an attempt to ignore what is here, and what I have specifically, physically placed for myself to write - so I will apply self forgiveness and corrective statements for myself here as to no longer allow the resistance to walking this point direct me, an...

Tonight at work – I saw an experience of fear, justification and resentment play out. I was on a closing section – and so my responsibilities are to make sure everyone else is responsible for their specific responsibility during the work shift. Yet – I have always had difficulty ‘standing up’ and speaking up about these points – as authority has never been my ‘thing’. I fear people judging me for attempting to assert my position of authority – because that is what I do to others – judge them or have back chat about them for attempting to be an ‘authority figure’. Not always – but I have and can see why I fear people doing this to me – because I’ve done it. Usually when I get to work – I start doing what needs to be done to cover everyone, and myself so that we have everything we need. “setting up for success” as we call it in our business. While doing this – I saw the list was up already for who was responsible for what during the shift. I mentioned to a couple of people, “do you k...