Day 672: Justifying a Lesser Version of Me

I had another moment this week where a co-worker corrected my work – again I wasn’t slowing down and ensuring my work was complete. I started to react but I could see where I created it – it wasn’t my co-worker trying to do anything, it was me missing the work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a co-worker corrected my work in front of my boss in fear my boss would be upset and think I’m not a good workerI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a co-worker talking badly about me to others about the work that I doI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a co-worker for doing something I imagined her doing, not something she actually did as far as I knowI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in realizing the problem and the solution to me reacting to a co-worker, still not apply the correction/solution and instead continue to move too fast and not pay attention to the finer…

Day 671: Integrity and the Finer Details

Tuesday, April 7, 2020Today I reacted to a co-worker because I sent some document drafts and my co-worker responded with her ‘review’ and it was questioning why things were in there, and basically giving me the corrections needed. I reacted in that moment because I thought how she gets off on that – and I imagined she would talk shit about me later. I could also see how it was my lack of due diligence that caused so many corrections needed and I could see how my co-worker lives the word integrity. With her work – she does the nitty-gritty work and ensures her work is sound. I don’t and I can see where I would then react to her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking and believing she wants me to make mistakesI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking she is a goodie two shoes and does everything for praiseI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Afor my mistakes instead of taki…

Day 670: Distractions, Pregnancy, and How to Communicate with the Body

Written Monday, April 6, 2020Today the living word I was intent on living was Integrity. Part of this was in relation to who I am as now working from home – realizing there is the potential to become more distracted and less focused and for me, the point was to remain and live integrity as a principle of who I am and doing onto my employer as I would have done unto me if I were them and that is to have my employee remain focused within the time I’m paying them. I was mostly satisfied throughout the day until the end of the day where I got a bit more distracted. However, there was quite the improvement and I saw how in setting the intention to LIVE integrity in relation to my work, it supported in moments when I was distracted or wanted to be distracted. So I’m hopeful it will continue to support as I will continue to work with the word integrity. I am a bit distracted now because I want to know if I’m pregnant. I am still just under 2 weeks away from getting my period so I won't k…

669: Fear Programmed into Women

Today while I was at work – alone on a Sunday due to the Covid19 “situation” as we are calling it – I kept having moments of fear and panic come up as I was ‘alone’ in this office. Despite it being early in the morning to the afternoon, I kept having this fear/image of someone being in the office that “didn’t belong” – that “wasn’t supposed to be there”. I feared someone would be lurking/waiting for me and “strike” when I least expected it. I also thought maybe a co-worker would come in and try to scare me. Every sound stood out and I froze, wondering, “is that a normal sound or is that a sound of something being wrong?”I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my office building in thinking and believing that someone would be there or “get in” that wasn’t supposed to be there and end up harming meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being raped, attacked and murdered while being alone in my office building because of a…

668: The Real Deal

Written on January 1, 2020
One of my goals this year is also a good explanation at why there are inconsistencies with my sharing via blogs, vlogs, and in general social media posting. 
When things are 'well' - when I feel relatively stable and clear-minded or happy even, it's easy to share and it's easy to rant and rave about the benefits of self-will and self-directiveness. 
When I am having major reactions, or I'm more emotional and can't seem to find my footing - I go silent. In this case, my silence is loud in expressing that I'm having a challenging time. 
So for the year to come my goal is to push through the challenging times and create more of a consistency in my sharings. I think one of the downfalls and cons of social media is that we often share the pretty picture, the nice sunset, the vacation shot that looks like another day in our day to day living and so everyone starts to think these picture-perfect moments are the majority of our life. When…

667: The Last 10 Years

Thanks to those that reached out after reading my previous blog - I appreciate your support very much. It was touching to hear from so many of you about what we've been going through.

I did want to share that while the previous blog was perhaps on the heavier side, really laying down the experience we walked in losing the pregnancy, I would like to say that I did mourn and grieve and my ability to share is a reference for me that I am at a place of acceptance and understanding with it. I don't blame anything or anyone and I don't feel strong regret or shame... I've accepted it's happened and allowed myself to embrace it as now part of my journey that I can learn and grow from and share with others to hopefully support them to realize that yes, we must grieve, but we can also turn such tragedies into gifts. 
My ability to grieve and mourn in the way that I did, and in the pace I did, I say gives credit to this process I've been walking for a decade now. This ti…

666: The Meaning of My Miscarriage

The day before Halloween my partner and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for 4 months and to our shock and amazement, it had actually happened! And way faster than either of us ever conceived it would have.

Just over 5 weeks later, when we were 9 weeks pregnant and having our first ultrasound we were told the fetus had no heartbeat.

I was told to empty my bladder twice before the technician finally decided to do an internal ultrasound that confirmed what the technician was seeing... there was no heartbeat. The fetus was measuring at an age where there should have been a heartbeat. While the technician wanted to give us the news gently and with some hope that maybe the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought, my midwife gave it to us straight that there should be a heartbeat by now. And because there wasn't, this pregnancy wasn't progressing. She insisted if the fetus did not come out soon, we should get medical assistance to remove it.

It was another 2 a…