694: New Mom Series - Feeling Stuck

Our son Phoenix is now three weeks old and we have been home for almost three weeks as well. We are slowly navigating through our new normal, learning what's possible as our day-to-day living as well as the demands of this new little human. I am grateful for this new experience and the journey we are in though that doesn't mean I haven't found reactions and challenges within this new process we are walking. 

Yesterday was a cool example that I actually processed quickly within myself, meaning - I saw a reaction and fairly quickly realized and made the correction. I wanted to share here because I think a lot of moms could probably relate. 

My days consist of taking care of this new little bundle of joy. There are other things like cleaning up the house, preparing food, doing laundry that is part of the days as well, and then there are additional tasks I've done for years that I've been trying to incorporate into my new daily routine but haven't yet been successful to my satisfaction (blogging is one of them). There are a few projects I'm interested in getting back to yet haven't moved myself to step back into them. There's actually been a bit of a resistance to some of the activities. Part of it I see is because the demand of Phoenix is so new and can be all-consuming, the moments I do have where he is asleep I just want to "relax" and not necessarily work on anything. I want to lay back, kick my feet up, maybe take a nap. I want to rest essentially which is all good and I have been encouraging myself to take it easy and rest when I can and not have any expectations on myself in terms of "needing" to do anything other than what Phoenix needs from me. 

Yet within this, I also see that I am ready to move into these projects but I'm also resisting it. And in resisting it I am hesitating, not moving, and essentially stalled. My experience yesterday was that I felt "stuck" but it was coming up in relation to "my new routine" with the baby where I was "stuck" doing the same tasks over and over again and felt trapped basically within it. My experience was that I apparently wasn't able to do anything else, I was stuck in a very limited cycle of change diapers, feed the baby, put the baby to sleep, and repeat.

As mentioned previously however I saw quite quickly that my experience in relation to being "stuck" wasn't actually because of the baby or my responsibilities within having a baby... it was actually in relation to the fact that I was resisting and so not moving on these other projects I could see I was ready to move within, and start incorporating into my daily routine. 

So while the surface experience was to blame motherhood or the fact that this little one takes up so much of my time, on why I was feeling stuck, the truth was, and my self-honesty is, that I could have used the times in between the diaper changes and feedings, when he was sound asleep, to do these other tasks I was resisting doing. I actually had moments of opportunity to MOVE and not be stuck but I rather stuck myself in allowing resistance. 

A simple but cool point to realize and that wanted I to share is how often do we blame our external circumstances for our internal experiences when chances are there is something WE could do differently to change our experience entirely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame having a child as the reason I feel stuck within my daily routine instead of realizing that my stuck experience was actually coming from ME and my lack of self-movement when the moments of opportunity present itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to blame my internal experience on something that is external from me instead of always looking to firstly take full responsibility for my internal experience - all thoughts, words, and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing things that I see I actually want to do but that do not give me the temporary experience of being relaxed which is really just me wanting to cope and escape from the demands of my new position as a mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the demands of being a mother instead of taking responsibility for my creation and also taking it one moment at a time so as to not overwhelm myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my breath in moments when I feel overwhelmed and want to escape from the demands of having a baby so that I am not creating a more challenging experience through my thoughts and back chats 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the opportunities I have within the baby's sleep schedule to move myself to direct myself within the projects I see I am ready to continue within

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself and what I see I'm capable of during a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I have a baby I can no longer do things that I am passionate or interested in and to think and believe that all my time must be given to my child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the responsibilities of having a child as limited and something I am stuck within instead of realizing the opportunities with the tasks with the baby as also moments to face myself and get to know myself and to practice being present within/as

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the gift I've been given in getting to know myself in relation to having a child and that I am again coming face to face with me as my mind and so I have an opportunity to further correct the patterns within me that I see do not serve me or what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the experiences within my mind, especially when it is in the nature of blame, in realizing that until I do start to question and investigate myself and who I am in relation to all things (including having a baby) I will only repeat the same patters over and over within myself and within my life

When and as I see myself resisting moving myself in moments of opportunity when the baby is asleep I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that my resistance to moving myself is due to a reaction of being challenged and my resistance is me wanting to escape but here I commit myself to stop running and hiding from myself and rather face myself head on to once and for all correct the patterns within me that no longer serve me

I commit myself to question anything that I blame that is separate from me here 

I commit myself to take responsibility for all of me as all thoughts, words, and deeds

I commit myself to see every moment as an opportunity to breathe, ground myself and to face myself as my reality, as my child, as my partner, as my life

I commit myself to stop using escapism as a way to deal with my life and reality

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I've created as my life

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