Kristina's Journey to Life

I noticed at work a lot of reactions within my mind in relation to specific beings in my reality. The reactions were in the form of blame and anger and the more these thoughts/reactions were coming up - the more outwardly I expressed this anger as an expression of myself as my words and physical movement/behavior and allowed it to exist as me in who I was at work. Meaning - a co-worker was being playful with me and joking around and I was 'stuck' in this mode of anger because I was giving attention to what was going on within my mind that was anger and blame and resentment towards another. The 'another' was not physically in my environment so obviously this is the Mind at work, and it's points that have been surfacing over the last few weeks that I have made a point to write out for myself but have not gotten to it yet. And so I became angry and expressed this friction I was having within myself towards this other being in my actual, physical environment. I m...

I am continuing here from the previous blogs -  271: Stuck in the Mind  and  272: Our Responsibility to Become Self-Aware . I am going to proceed with reviewing the initial blog in this series and open up some more points I wrote out about this particular moment I had in my car. The next point here would be where I write specifically, "While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinkin...

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have. Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself. I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment. Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have ...

Tonight at work I saw myself become angry - which I have not seen in awhile. There was like this rage that wanted to come out and the trigger were the words of a co-worker. The specifics of what he was saying triggered a reaction within me that I see I have been participating in the last few days or weeks even - where I have been feeling unworthy and not good enough in certain moments and instead of directing myself out of this point, I have been looking outside of myself to find this point that says "You are worthy and good enough". Perhaps I was not looking for these specific words, I was looking for an indicator that implied this, something I could use to interpret for myself that "this means I'm good enough and worthy." Well, where I have been looking for it - it does not exist. Obviously - it cannot exist outside of me and the fact that I am thinking and believing that I will find it outside of myself is a key indicator of why I allowed myself to be...

Today I came face to face with a moment as a reaction towards another; their actions and movements and in this moment, the self corrective statements I have told myself that I will live as the application of change, came through and immediately, through the reaction, saw the responsibility I had towards 'what' I was seeing in another. What was interesting however, was once I had this reaction and then the the real truth of what I was seeing - as the ME that I have allowed myself to exist within and as, as it was reflected back to me in the mirror of another, I somewhat reacted to the realization of my responsibility - like seeing more of the reality of the responsibility I must take and have not necessarily taken as I have held onto resentments and judgments towards other's behaviors, so it was like this experience of "Fuck - this is actually me I am seeing, my responsibility - it's not about her, it's about me - fuck, I am that which I see" lol - it wa...

I saw irritation directed towards a family member. We will call them A. There are two others referenced in this post so we will refer to them as B, and C. A and B were assisting me with my car – and while I’m not aware of the moment I was triggered as irritation toward A– I saw the back chat and the physical behavior as the reaction I had in that moment towards A. A came out while B was busy putting my battery back in the car. A was smoking and moved close to me where I was standing, next to B, and leaned in and started cleaning the leaves from my hood. This irritated me. I moved and was ‘annoyed’ that A went to clean my car - one of the reasons was because A has always done that throughout my life, implies I am ‘dirty’ and is telling me to clean up, so this act was like A saying those words to me, “this is dirty, you need to clean it” – another is because I judged A for ‘having to do something’ – like A couldn't just stand there, A had to move in and act upon something. Al...

A point of reacting towards another and through the accumulation of continue to accept the reactions of another, creating resistance towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on their words and actions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments about another based on their actions and words and within this project future play-outs of them stealing from me and to within this validate the thoughts as fears of them stealing from me within believing and accepting them to be true, accepting and validating the judgments I have towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility within judging another for ‘who they are’ and what I have observed within their actions and words, as a way to ‘blame’ them for the way that I experience myself in relation to them – within not trusting them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to p...

At work I saw myself get very angry – and then embarrassed by this anger. It was gearing up to be the end of the shift at work – and after working a double shift, I was ready to be done. Then I was asked to take a 15 top (table of 15 guests – oh yeah, I work in a restaurant). I looked at the hostess as she approached me about the party and to ask me to take it, and gave her a dirty look – like I knew they were coming to ask me, and I did not want to take the table – because I had expected to be done earlier in the evening – I always have this expectation, and am always pissed off when it doesn't play out that way. I gave her a dirty look – and I saw how automatic it was, because in an instant I was like, “what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not her fault the party is coming in – she is just doing her job, as I am expected to do my job.” Then my manager asked me to take the table – and so I agreed – in quite the opposite response that I had to the hostess. The exact polarity in f...

This post is in relation to a reaction I had to another's words to/toward me. The truth is he was probably joking - yet within myself I reacted and so here I apply the self forgiveness for it: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they called me a religious freak I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the energy of anger when another called me a religious freak I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's words personaly when they called me a religious freak, as I reacted in anger and thus took their words personally I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that whenever I take anothers words personally – I am within and as my ego as self definition in separation of who I really am here as life as the breath as the physical I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear person A thinking that I am a religious freak beca...