Kristina's Journey to Life

In the last 4 months of not smoking, I've noticed a peculiar behavior emerge. It probably did not emerge just in the last 4 months, but it was in removing the habit of smoking that I started to notice and become aware of this other habit I had. And it very much still relates to why I was smoking and reveals more of the reasons behind my smoking. The habit is when I am talking to someone - on the phone, or in person, I notice this mostly when I'm at work, I become anxious and I reach for food. Most times I've noticed it where I'll reach for  whatever snack, mostly nuts, that I keep at my desk, and it's been obvious to me that it's this anxiety triggering the behavior to reach for food, because often times I'm not hungry, I have not had the thought prior to it about having a snack or anything else.  Initially, it was just something I started noticing myself doing... I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm trying to talk to them whil...

And so continuing with walking through this resistance to redefining words with the support of self-forgiveness which allows me to gift of self-empowerment, to change my perspective, and understanding of myself and who I am in relation to resistances, and redefining words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist redefining words I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that I just resist redefine words and make this a part of my story as a self-definition I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a resistance to redefining words for quite some time instead of moving through the resistance as I see I am able and ultimately what must be done I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when facing a resistance to redefining words and not move that extra bit to walk through the resistance as I realize it's possible and can be done, I must only make the decision to ...

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance. So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and ...

One thing I've noticed about myself lately is this lack of awareness while at work. A couple nights ago this was exemplified by the fact that while standing with some people, I took slight movement backwards, and I tripped and fell right on my butt. It was quite the scene too - like overly dramatic was the fall. lol - it was funny, and I did my best not to take it personally, or feel embarrassed , because it was just an accident, it happened.. nothing to do about it now, except notice and question why did I fall? Why was I not aware of what was behind me, why was I not aware of my environment in that moment, and so how to move myself in a way where I wouldn't fall? This experience shed a light on something I've been slowly realizing more and more, which is that I often lack the self-awareness, and the slowing down within myself, to really take notice, and pay attention to who I am at work - as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds. I've noticed that I require to be an...

Continuing with the self-commitment and corrective statements in relation to my  previous blog ... When and as I see myself approaching daily blogging within a starting point of getting it done as quickly as possible, and wanting to get it over with as soon as possible, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is due to me not directing myself through a resistance to daily blogging and so accumulated this resistance that then influence how I approach it when I do decide to write a blog. I commit myself to realizing and understanding that this is my creation and consequence of what I accept and allow as a resistance as well as committing myself to re-direct my approach/starting point of blogging to be that of slowing down, and allowing myself to embrace the moment as me writing through breath When and as I see myself writing a blog within the speed of my mind, as simply pulling knowledge and information out of me, to place the words as quickly as possible,...

To continue form yesterday’s blog – the main points being a reaction I saw of self-judgment consisting of blaming myself for being a ‘cheerleader/motivational speaker’ that speaks nice words, but are not grounded in physical reality. Further in my writings , seeing that this reaction was stemming from two sources – first being that I do not allow myself to stop , breathe and slow myself down as I write my blog, instead I generally grab a point or topic I can write about and quickly get it done as fast as I can, like pulling of a band-aid or something. Which is funny, because blogging is not such a painful experience, yet I do see how a resistance formed to daily blogging has in a way influenced my approach to it, which is get it done and through it as quickly as possible. As if that is the point – to just produce the blog. When in reality the process as a whole, each moment as each word, is what matters. And since I am just usually rushing through the writing process, I am not ‘h...

Continuing on with the fourth recording of the series about the point of Giving Up I've been listening to by the Atlantean's, it's all about the practical support and assistance we can give to ourselves to no longer simply play out or act out the pattern of giving up, and instead rather direct ourselves through it, and in that, actually expand ourselves as who we are in relation to that particular thing and see or rather LIVE the potential within us. For me the most supportive point was to realize how that giving up really is simply an emotional reaction, and so like any emotional reaction I face, the corrective application to support myself within such a moment of facing it is to stop and breathe, and in that, stand up within/as my physical body - where instead of completely allowing the mind as the emotional reaction to take over, to instead breathe within/as my body, ground myself in the moment HERE and so my physical environment and to stabilize any reactions ...

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to take personally another's actions and to then want to make them feel bad as I feel bad as taking it personally I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate another in making them feel bad/ guilty for their actions instead of realizing the deception within this – making it about me, about my ego and it’s preciousness being hurt and then value that more than another as a human being I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove my ego in relation to others and their actions so that I can stand as a stability point for myself and them within seeing and realizing how unsupportive it is to allow my ego free reign to make another and their actions about me as taking things personally I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt as a consequential experience of what I have accepted and allowed of myself as taking it personally ...

A Fall is not a Failure - this is a process of Self Perfection - Perfecting ourselves as we Go. We walk, we fall, we stand, we make mistakes, we learn - we do it until we get it right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within my commitment in not taking a nap for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure because I fell on taking a nap today I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my habit to napping as something easy I should be able to stop and to within this define myself as useless in not being able to do just an easy thing as stopping naps for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this of myself, in building myself up as being so ‘good’ in stopping a habit yet not being able to actually walk the physical commitment of stopping – creating myself within a high of superiority and then having to prove myself that I am not by fall...