Kristina's Journey to Life

A potential opportunity here that triggered some reactions within me here I feel as though I 'didn't act soon enough' or 'I was too late coming out of the gate.' This is in relation to an opportunity that is similar to something I had considered a few months or so ago and discussed with my partner on various occasions. It's this nature of feeling like missing out when you see others moving on things you considered doing yourself or feeling like you are 'behind' because something emerges that you wanted to do but didn't act on immediately. It's like there are only so many ideas in this world, and if you come up with something, so are a lot of other people and then it becomes a race to who ' shows or does it first'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see others moving within things I wanted to move within myself - wherein I had considerations and ideas about certain paths but didn't act on th...

When I look back at my life I had a handful of very close relationships with women. These are the tight bonds, the inseparable months or years, looking towards only each other to make each other laugh... and they ended in complete destruction. When I look at the people in my life that I have the most conflict towards today, it's also women. While I feel the safest with women, I also see the most conflict in relation to women.... and since women need to stand up within themselves, and this world, to take lead on showing the way of creating a world that nurtures and cares for what 's best for all, I got some work to do... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into conflict with other women I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into comparisons with other women I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into jealousy in relation to other women I forgive mys...

Self Commitment/Corrective Statements from the previous blog : When and as I see myself reacting negatively as judgment toward others in terms of their behavior or what they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this negative reaction as judgment indicate this point existent within me – where what I am judging/reacting negatively towards another about is the same point I've participated with throughout my life, or am currently participating within. And so I commit myself to not participate in judgment towards others, and instead in the moment, breathe and take back self-responsibility as identifying where in my life I've done exactly the same thing, and so within this – stopping blame/judgment and bringing all things back to myself as the cause, source, and origin. I commit myself to realizing a reaction towards another within me is never about anyone else, and always about me. When and as I see myself constantly checking myself out in the ref...

The following is self-forgiveness in relation to yesterday's blog : I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to another and her daughter when I saw the behavior of them checking themselves out in the reflection of the window… as judging them as shallow and limited to have such a concern about constantly seeing what they look like, without realizing this is the same behavior I participate within and act out I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think and need I have to look at my own reflection in the mirror , as a constant point of validation and checking as to whether I look acceptable or not, based within the starting point of fear and desire where I fear what others will think of me and desire to be accepted by them through how I look I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a positive energy experience when I see my reflection in the mirror and I look as I would define accepta...

The other day while participating in a medical study – I noticed a reaction towards one of the staff. She was a young girl and you could see that she put a lot of effort in her physical presentation; what she wore, how her hair looked, and how her make-up was done. Soon enough we (me and the other study participants) found out she was the daughter of one of the nurses who had been also working with us. What I observed within myself while observing this girl is how much she placed emphasis on the way that she looked, and within this, judgment towards her for that. A particular behavior I could see clearly that indicated this was how she would constantly check her reflection in the mirror of the windows. It’s was quite obvious she was doing this, or at least from my perspective. The judgment was she is conceited and lost in her own image and reflection. Though – I get it. It’s the same behavior I've seen within myself. And that is what caused this reaction  of j...

Recently I have been facing/seeing more and more the self-judgments that I seem to allow to prohibit me in every aspect of my life . Whether it's work, social interactions, an online presence, or in my relationships , self-judgments seem to be the one point I allow to keep me diminished and locked down into a specific stance of inferiority wherein the ability to move me, in whatever it is I decide to do, is hindered by this idea of me that "I'm just not good enough." I see how much these judgments effect my ability to move me, such as a fear that no matter what I do, it will always be no good; like I will always come up short, missing something, and somehow worse than the 'other guy.' So perhaps if my starting point was based in equality and oneness , and not competition as separation, this experience would not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgments I make about me/all aspects of me...

I am continuing here from my previous blog, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation and I am going to apply self forgiveness for the points I see are within the writing. What I first see is, "I noticed one being's blog and then another's, connected these two blogs together and according to how I saw/defined them, from there decided I "wanted" to write a blog" This indicate my starting point for 'wanting' to write a blog was within desire - and what I am coming to see/realize/understand is that desire stems from, or comes from the starting point of fear. And when I look within myself, in that moment, yes that is where I was 'coming from'. I reacted to these two blogs sitting next to each other. lol - sounds ridiculous, but from there I compared myself, assumed something,  projected some alternate reality within my mind and then decided, "I must write a blog." Because I did not like what I was 'seeing' as my r...

I saw myself go into defense and attack mode towards another within my mind. I had reactions to another within blaming them for making a decision that I did not necessarily agree with. I blamed another for their reactions, and how I defined them as not being stable enough to control themselves, and blamed this experience of themselves for the reason they made the decision they did. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for their reactions within themselves that lead them to make a decision I did not agree with I forgive myself for not yet allowing myself to see/realize and understand the projection of myself that I am placing unto another for reacting and causing them to make a decision I did not agree with – why am I angry at myself? Where do I react and make decisions based on reactions and now am projecting the blame onto another? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to diminish another within my mind in an attempt to feel...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe life is about competition I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in life I have to be more then another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I feel as if I am not being ‘more’ then another or I am not wining within the competition I have created within myself to/towards another – attempt to diminish them through blame I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this need for power and control over another through competition and if I experience myself as inferior to another being – believing I have to diminish them within myself or outwardly towards them in order to regain my perceived sense of power and control I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have no power and control within myself and thus desire to have this over another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power and control away to me a...

Day 5 Tonight while I am wanting to go to bed - I have this point within me of "I have to get this done" as well a resistance to completing it. This 'it' is writing here. And what I see within the point of either going to bed and doing a blog tomorrow vs getting one done tonight - is this point of like I am in a race. Not wanting to skip a day because that will get me 'behind' - and wanting to be 'in the lead'. What a fuck Up - Life is Not a Race. This Process of EQUALITY is not a race. I stop this Here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a race -wherein I have to be 'ahead of the game' I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the starting point of competition - where I have to be better, be more, be ahead and be the example - wherein I separate myself from all as me not even realizing this point and process is about Equality - Equalizing myself as All within realizing we are i...