Kristina's Journey to Life

Why do we do what we do? For ourselves or for others? For a reward? For attention? For positive feelings? What is the starting point? Can you share it with others? Is there shame? Do you hide in your secret Mind? Do you fear being exposed for what is hidden within you? Is it possible to Live out Loud? Some self forgiveness here in seeing more of the extent to the Ego I've created as myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow 'wants' to determine what I do or don't do within my day to day living I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the back chat of 'I don't want to write a blog tonight' as the nature of self judgment in thinking I cannot articulate anything and I am not clear enough about any particular point - there is nothing 'good enough' to write about and so within this - using excuses as to not be consistent in my application I forgive myself that I have accepted and al...

Here, self forgiveness in relation to the points I have been facing in the last few days and how I've come to see and realize it is an accumulation of a faulty starting point from which I made a decision of 'how to proceed' - where I moved myself into a position within self dishonesty. So this blog is in relation to the accumulated reactions I have experienced and in blogs to follow I will go back through the days in applying self forgiveness for the origin/starting point that created what I am now experience/facing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing my JTL blog within/as a reaction of myself within the last week in relation to my blogs, and more specifically the points I have opened up in relation to ‘no napping’ as I have come to see/realize/understand the starting point from which I moved into that point and see it was within self interest, to prove something to myself and others and thus not within the principl...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/experience myself as happy when communication goes well with another that I place a positive judgment on it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the experience I have after communicating with another goes as I would define ‘well’ where there was comfortability and easy conversations – as being ‘good’ and positive and to then feel ‘good’ and ‘positive’ and so within this think this experience is me being stable I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my experience according to how communication goes with others I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the points of conflict come up in communication with others where I fear the experiences I have had in the past moments of instability and uncertainty I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a relationship with another I forg...

There is a point here that is not a part of 'my plan'. Where I am moving into this point of taking responsibility for the blogs I have written and the memories and points identified that sustain my experiences created through/as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions - yet tonight there is more I want to write about. Specifically - it's like I will plan out and map out something in my mind of how I would like and expect things to go. If I do not follow such a structure, then I go into reaction. Or if people in my environment do not move at the pace I expect or things in my world are not following the expectations I have imposed on it - then I go into reaction and it's like I cannot 'go with the flow' from the perspective of remaining constant and stable as who I am. This is done with/as the breath and I see I have not been breathing. When things are not moving or going in the direction I WANT them to go, as how I planned it - as really how I projected it wit...

I am continuing here from Day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance and yesterday's blog, 177: Who Defines Me as Acceptable or Not? What I have been seeing is the self abuse I inflict on myself in seeing myself as inferior to another being - in how I go into self judgments and worry and doubting myself because of how I see/define another being as superior to me. So I want to just go into self forgiveness for the experience I had that opened these points up and see what else is here: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being in seeing them as superior to me and within this define myself as inferior to them and through this acceptance of seeing/perceiving - allow myself to go into fear when communicating with this being - wherein I will judge myself as not good enough and not smart enough and not worthy enough and so within this go into fear of doing something 'wrong' in it not being what I am suppose to do ...