Kristina's Journey to Life

A point here of feeling quite disappointed from a play-out in my reality where the imagination and HOPE for it was completely different, and from that high expectation, the great fall into the negative... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create disappointment, as a super low, within myself because of having expectations as a future projection of how things were going to play out and charge it with extra strength positive energy I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much time and energy as an investment into my imagination of something to come and when it was not at all what I imagined and fantasized within me myself, feel foolish and disappointed and literally feel like falling within myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away within my imagination where I took an actual physical reality and imposed my own ideas and desires unto it that was not at all substantiated in reality bu...

I have found this journey of reasserting my direction with blogging, and specifically this 30 days of self-forgiveness to be in a way seamless and effortless. Of course, practically speaking, it's not. I must sit down daily and write out the points, correct any mistakes, pick out art, add the tags and share it online. There is physical effort involved, however, my experience within it seems much more effortless than all the times I've tried before. And to me, that is something to consider... Years and years of inconsistency, starting and stopping, trying and giving up has been the journey for me to get to where I am now where I am very much enjoying this process of sharing . And I often time forget the real-time effort it takes to 'get the point'. Not saying I'm perfect within this. What I'm saying is the years of work I've put in, whether I was satisfied or not, created an outcome where eventually I did get to a point of satisfaction. As much as I thoug...

I've been looking at this point that opened up at work last week, and it's interesting to see the different layers/dimensions of it. First there was the fear, the limitation, and the belief about myself behind the limitation. Now to the self interest. Read the previous blogs for context: 414: Hiding Out in a Limitation 415: The Belief about Self behind a Limitation 416: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable Experience The following is self-forgiveness for the Self interest of wanting my ‘wants’ based on fear /emotions and so not considering others physical needs: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider others needs when a fear is driving me to make decisions within my work environment I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and hold my fear of being at a high traffic computer and the potential of more interaction with people at work become more important to me than how another is physically, where I will no...

In continuing from yesterday's blog , with regards to the reaction I had to the time it would take me to get something done, where I reacted negatively to the idea of it taking me 50 days to complete an assignment. Some things for me to consider: When looking at the 'natural world' as this physical reality , and the things that grow here 'naturally' - what I see is trees, and plants that take their sweet time to grow and develop and in that process, it is never as the process is 'complete' - it is simply here, doing it's thing, like a tree - converting the CO2 into oxygen, absorbing the sunlight, giving a home to a vastness of species, I mean it does what it does without an end result pushing it to do more in a quicker amount of time. And while I understand the perspective that one can become efficient in how they utilize time and maximize it to get things done - when one is moving to reach an end result to define oneself within an idea that 'q...

Tomorrow I am going out of town and am looking forward to traveling. Today I had to work, one more shift before I leave. I have been working quite a bit since I have been on break from school. I walked into work with the expectation that it would be slow and perhaps I would be able to leave a little bit earlier and have more of the day to make sure all was set for my travels and everything else was done for the day. This was my first mistake - walking into work with an expectation. An expectation is basically an idea of how you think things will go or more specifically - how you would like things to go. So it's basically existing within a state of mind that sees reality as one way when the actual, physical reality might have a whole other story to tell. The Real Story. So while my shift at work started and things were going fine, it remained steady with business. After the initial lunch rush, I again expected the business to slow down and I would be able to get done ear...

In continuing from yesterdays post , the first thing that I see required attention from looking it over was this point of 'where I was' when coming to the intersection where I required to make a left hand turn. What I see is that the last week, as I said in the previous blog, was a lot of things coming up within my mind that I have allowed myself to be distracted by and not utilize the tool and even responsibility I have to breathe - always bringing myself back to/as awareness within breathing because what I can see from this point of 'where I was' or 'have been' in the last week is within my mind and thus not breathing. And so 'losing touch' with actual, physical reality which is where self awareness exists. So in this moment I laid out for myself yesterday, it's clear my first mistake was not being disciplined in my application of breathing. I did not consider the normal way of how to proceed when one is in the middle of the intersection to...

The other day I made a decision based on a resistance. I had made a commitment to do something, but as the time approached for me to do this particular thing, I started to have back chats coming up, tempting me away from doing it and in this, attempting to justify why I was right to not do it. In this moment, I knew I was facing a resistance - a fear even - and I knew the solution or correction to apply in order to support myself. I knew that if I gave in to this resistance, I would later regret it. I saw the irrationality of my thoughts and the ideas coming up in my mind attempting to persuade me from doing that which I had already committed to doing. And so in that moment of seeing all these thoughts and ideas coming up into my mind, I wondered what I would do. I saw I could easily walk through the point - meaning - not give into the resistance and fears I was having; although they were coming up, I saw the energy attached to it that usually determine the experience within such th...

I'm continuing here from the previous blog of self forgiveness in relation to self definitions that have only limited me within myself and my life and how I see they have influenced me in certain moments and so here the corrective statements as corrective changes I will make to ensure I no longer accept and allow myself to limit myself within how I see/accept and define myself to be When and as I see myself defining myself within negative energies as limiting myself within how I see myself and who I allow myself to be - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my body , back to myself here and do not allow myself to entertain thoughts or back chats or ideas within my mind that are actually self abusive and keep my trapped in ideas of myself that I have formulated yet are not real as I see/realize/understand that inferiority/superiority game I am playing with such definitions of myself and how through accepting myself within a negative idea about me, I attempt and try to...

Here are more points I am facing as walking a 21-Day process of No Naps. This is day 3.  Today was overall cool in terms of not ‘feeling’ like I required to nap. I did go into a bit of “I'm tired” mode while I was in class, with the yawning and slouching a bit in my chair, yet I kept breathing and sitting up and moving myself physically as being present, here, paying attention to what was being said, hearing the words of the professor. I was grateful to be in class as this point came up of ‘feeling tired’ because obviously I was not in the environment to sleep, and as expected, the experience passed. Currently in my city it is like 100 degrees outside. HOT. And I live on the 3rd floor with no air conditioning. The main parts of the house do have air conditioning, yet my room is ‘bearable’ in that I have lived in this type of heat for the last 2 summers and have become use to it. But I see that this tiredness character comes in when I am reading or doing work while sitting ...

A point here I experienced/faced today - Fear of Being Alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone as loneliness within myself in the wake of  another's death I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness according to another being alive in a physical body I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the realization and standing that I am alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be alone with myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fill a void of alone-ness I now experience since the death of another I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be alone because in this I fear I am not able to b...